I'm so fed up
I'm so tired of being guilty over Becky. I'm sick of thinking of her everyday, wanting her back, I want to be done with loving her. I want to be done loving Mark.
I finally re-read the letter she sent me over a year ago, and I realized as I was reading, that she was never ready for me, she never wanted to commit. She wanted all the perks and brownie points of a relationship, but she didn't want to be in one. She kept repeating how much she loved me, and how she can't even express how important I am to her and Mark, and that she's so ready to spend her life with me, and she wanted to wait for everything to perfect, for our hearts to be in the right place. But she was afraid, afraid to commit to me, afraid of loving me and having me.
She had all of me, but she was afraid.
I'm so mad. I'm so mad because I spent a huge part of my life wanting her, waiting for her, needing her, loving her, just being at the ready for her. And the one time I finally moved on with my life, and found someone else, she jumps back in. Wants me back, I save her, like I always do. I tear her out of a shitty home situation, I take her away from abusers. I fight for her, like I always fucking do. Fight to the bone, and like usual, I get wounded in the process, but that's ok, I'd suffer anything for that girl. I'd fucking die for her, that's how much I love her. The first time I read that letter, I didn't really get it, it kind of went through one ear and out the other, but now that I'm older, more mature...the letter is such shit. She kept bullshitting that she wanted to tear down her walls, wanted to bare her heart to me, because I'd be the safest person to do it for. Then Mark talked about how he'd never get over Alice, and that he didn't want to be the guy who couldn't get over his past relationship and his past pain. Well fuck, he'll never get over it, ever, because that's his life, that's his story, and there's no room for someone else. Just like there would have been no room for me in Becky's life because fear took up way to much space.
A year and a half I continued to LOVE her, continued to think of her constantly, and for what? All that energy and emotion on someone who's too afraid.
So yeah, I hurt her last summer by telling her I had feelings for John and that we shouldn't continue forward with our relationship.
There wasn't going to be a relationship with us anyway...because her fear would have held her back, and she would have let it. She was never ready for me, she would never have been ready for me. She's too in love with her own fear to see anything else good for her.
And my love for her is going to stop, because I don't think she deserves it anymore.
I finally re-read the letter she sent me over a year ago, and I realized as I was reading, that she was never ready for me, she never wanted to commit. She wanted all the perks and brownie points of a relationship, but she didn't want to be in one. She kept repeating how much she loved me, and how she can't even express how important I am to her and Mark, and that she's so ready to spend her life with me, and she wanted to wait for everything to perfect, for our hearts to be in the right place. But she was afraid, afraid to commit to me, afraid of loving me and having me.
She had all of me, but she was afraid.
I'm so mad. I'm so mad because I spent a huge part of my life wanting her, waiting for her, needing her, loving her, just being at the ready for her. And the one time I finally moved on with my life, and found someone else, she jumps back in. Wants me back, I save her, like I always do. I tear her out of a shitty home situation, I take her away from abusers. I fight for her, like I always fucking do. Fight to the bone, and like usual, I get wounded in the process, but that's ok, I'd suffer anything for that girl. I'd fucking die for her, that's how much I love her. The first time I read that letter, I didn't really get it, it kind of went through one ear and out the other, but now that I'm older, more mature...the letter is such shit. She kept bullshitting that she wanted to tear down her walls, wanted to bare her heart to me, because I'd be the safest person to do it for. Then Mark talked about how he'd never get over Alice, and that he didn't want to be the guy who couldn't get over his past relationship and his past pain. Well fuck, he'll never get over it, ever, because that's his life, that's his story, and there's no room for someone else. Just like there would have been no room for me in Becky's life because fear took up way to much space.
A year and a half I continued to LOVE her, continued to think of her constantly, and for what? All that energy and emotion on someone who's too afraid.
So yeah, I hurt her last summer by telling her I had feelings for John and that we shouldn't continue forward with our relationship.
There wasn't going to be a relationship with us anyway...because her fear would have held her back, and she would have let it. She was never ready for me, she would never have been ready for me. She's too in love with her own fear to see anything else good for her.
And my love for her is going to stop, because I don't think she deserves it anymore.