wow i hate everything
so here we go. i had a pretty decent week off. i mean i didnt fucking go to the bahamas like melissa did or anything but it wasnt that bad... until friday when i found out that i didnt pass my god fucking damn test for holy name. so now im completely fucked. when i told my mom she didnt know wat to say, she was like "uhh well wait, wat happened? whats going on? is that exactly what she said? maybe i should call... we should start talking about bergen now... you didnt miss that entrance exam did you?" that was all in like a four second time span. fuckin great i was like "im going to take a drive" and we were upstate so i just drove aroudn for a while and cried and smoked like 5 cigarettes, one rite after the other. and i just thought about shit. i honestly dont know wat im gonna do with my life. should i have just applied to art skool originally? i mean, maybe i rele cant do this whole thing. i dunno. i think this rejection rele fucked me over this time. i guess i dont do well with this shit. i mean who does rite? well usually im ms. go for it, everythings okee, dont worry about it, everything will find its way- type of kid. now im fuckin lost. this rele threw me into a tailspin and i hate it. maybe nursing isnt for me. and my mom was like "well not to discourage you or anything, but wat happens if after your 2 yrs of skooling, when its time to take the test for the actual nursing license, what happens if u dont pass? how does that werk?" well mom, according to.... like come the fuck on, i dont fuckin know. how am i suppose to know how that werks. and how will i know if ill pass it or not. if i dont become a nurse i think ill seriously regret it when im older, because for me, i feel like if i go to art skool or watever, its like just taking the easy way out. im not that good, and i wouldnt make any money. id end up being an art teacher and i would end up hating my job because i dont wanna be a teacher and i hate little kids. i like fucking babies, none of this fuckin 5-12 yr old bratty bullshit. im not down with that. i dont know wat to do. my parents told me that i cant go to dominican, which was my back up pla originally, because its too expensive and apparently were poor (who knew?) and so my only other option is to go to bergen. bergen is more gas and further away, and a pain in the ass, and i feel its like where all the kids who smoked too much pot in highskool got shafted too. no offense to anyone. like i know thats not rele true, but its just how i feel about it rite now. i just feel like ill be going to high skool again cause its more than likely that ill be seeing people who i had to spend 4 or more yrs with in highskool. i just need a change and i need it soon. everything here is so routine and scheduled. me and riss n christina were talking about this today (i dont remember cause i was so fucked up) but marissa told me that she was talkin about it. and she was sayin how everything is routine and as much as it sux because nothing is ever different, it will also suck next year cause shell be mad scared to have everything change so quickly. i rele think that maybe if my parents would have let me go away to college that things would be super different now. like maybe i would have tried and like i would have actually wanted to go somewhere, rather then like not knowing about any of this shit until this year.... so im usually pretty optimistic about everything, and ive been so bitchy and like depressed and pessimistic the past couple days. i dunno wats wrong with me. o yea and i thought that just getting super fucked up would solve my problems, when rele it probably just made it worse. watever- im not the brightest crayon in the box. i have to go smoke a cigarette and go to bed. fuck the world man.
later
later