don't read this... it's a waste of your time.
stupid lazyness. i need to stay on top of my new year's resolutions but today i was horrible... i skipped exercising because i wanted to read a magazine instead... and i am procrastinating by updating my journal instead of doing my homework (which is going to take a while). i have issues.
and i'm a sap. what the heck is wrong with me? i can't even focus on my SAT crap and because of it i can't go to the mall with paul chung tomorrow night and i was looking forward to it... and i can't even focus long enough to stay away from my computer! jhsdgfhdfg.
i saw justine and joe holding hands in the hallway today... and i wish i could tell her how happy i am for her in person but we never see each other anymore and i miss her. we were inseperable last year... i miss my buddy. i miss my youth group friends too. i really want to go back to see the people and be in the only place where i feel like i truly belong and don't care what anyone thinks of me. it sounds stupid (and justine would scold me because GOD is first) but youth group seriously takes a lot of my sunday, and being a leader was messing with my week schedule too. i wish i had never joined that stupid all-star dance team because now i don't have time to work in the mornings on saturdays either... i'm so dumb, thinking i could handle it all.
but from all of this i realized that: i gotta live with the choices i make. just because i don't go to youth group doesn't mean i hate God because i surely love Him with all my heart. however, i can't deny that i've been feeling distant from my spiritual relationship with him lately. i have to work harder because of the choices i made and face the consequences, but at least i'm learning a lesson.
i also need to talk to nicole about a lot of things that have really gotten under my skin. i feel like a bad person at our lunch table with her because she has something mean to say about every innocent person that walks by... and it's rubbing off on me and i don't like it. i like people and i don't have any reason to put people down if i don't even know them, and that's always been my logic. for her, she could care less about karma. i love her to death and i would die for her but sometimes she just needs someone to tell her to stop when she is getting herself in a rut... and that person has to be me because she won't listen to anyone else. it's so hard... i have no idea how i am going to say it but i just can't sit at that lunch table with her and whitney and luke and jimmy and alyssa and listen to them joke people and suddenly feel horrible because i realized i participated in the cruelty. my conscience can't take it... i'm too freaking nice.
and the last thing on my mind (actually it's really the first thing on my mind but the last thing i had to say): i'm crazy about paul douglas ferro. <3 he truly cares about me and i can tell by the way he takes time out of his day to call and see how i am doing, and how he cares about my friends who he doesn't even know and tells me i'm in his prayers. he makes an effort to be there for me when i need to talk and he treats me like a princess but also like an equal and respects my opinions. he's so romantic... what in the heck did i do to get so lucky?