Jan 04, 2005 01:21
*This entry is intended for one person. They know who they are. If there is not a reason for me to write you a letter of any significance, please do not read any further. Or do. I don't really care, but you know who you are...) If you are the person that this is intended for, I'm glad you're taking the time to read it.*
To whom it may concern,
I don't know what to say. As for tonight, I enjoyed myself. Then again, I always do with you. You know that. When I'm having a bad day, you're there for me and vice versa. No matter how, when, or where you fuck up, I can never stay mad at you. It's the same way around with that too. We mesh so well. We spend every single day together and never seem to get sick of each other. I loved it. You were my best friend. That means a lot to me. I cherish my friends more than anything else in my life. I would do anything at anytime for any one of you guys and you know it. I watch out for you guys. I worry about ya'lls needs before my own. I pick up after you guys and get things for you. I don't mind doing any of that because I care about each of you. I've never wanted anything more than to just be best friends with all of you. Beacuse we all fit so well with each other. All five of us. We've been "the gang" for almost a year and a half. We're rarely caught fully apart, and with you I've spent the most time. I feel like I know you inside and out, and just like you said the other night, we know each other better than we know ourselves. I find this to be equally true with you. I remember when I first met you. Well, when we first offically hung out. (You know I never really talked to you at the restaurant. Back then, I was a little too stuck up to talk to the kitchen guys. Sorry.) Anyways, I was scared to hang out with you because I thought you were going to tell my dad on me for smoking. I know, it was lame to think. That very first night we clicked. I fit in so well with you guys. I always considered myself to be a "human leech" persay. I just clung on to all of you. We hit it off and have hung out every single day since then. Learning more and more about each other as the time went by. I didn't start to get a crush on you until about January of last year. I kept it to myself because your friendship was more important to me than anything else. I didn't want to fuck it up. Well, I kept it to myself until that one night when I exaggerated my drunkeness. Remember that? You told me that I was really cool, and blah blah, and you wanted to keep it just friends. That hurt a little, but I wasn't as attached to you as I am now. Whatever. I put up the friendship only line and moved on. Oh yeah, it took a long time to move on (as in months) but I did. Remember when I went up to Tech and you rolled that AMAZING joint for me so I could smoke before I drove my sister and I up to Blacksburg? I didn't think she knew I smoked at the time. Anyway, I sent you the text message saying that it was amazing and that I loved you. You thought that I meant that litteraly and ignored me for the rest of the weekend. When I came back I had to force you to talk to me about it and even then you changed the subject and continued to cut me off while talking. Jimmy told me that you were going to treat me like shit after that to kinda scare me off. That was awful nice of you. By the way, talking to you is like pulling teeth. If you don't like the topic, you do anything you can to try to ignore it. I keep getting off track....
So ever since our little imaginary line has been drawn, I had never crossed it. I had finally come to terms with the fact the we would never be more than friends. You were seeing other girls, lying about them and getting caught in your lies, etc, etc. It upset me that you would lie about that shit. I wasn't your girlfriend. I was your friend. So why couldn't you just be honest with me? The lying is what causes all of our problems. Are you seeing a pattern? We still hung out every single day, anytime we possibly could. We learned more and more about each other as the time went on. We've been through some crazy shit since I've known you. Think about it. It's only been about a year and a half. I've been there for you for everything at any time, day or night. For instance, when you got kicked out of your house and I came and sat with you for hours talking. Or when your aunt died. I was the shoulder you cried on. Or when your brother got in trouble, or when Kara and you went through all of your shit. The list goes on and on. When it came to girls, I always gave you good advice. Not the advice I wanted to give you. I was being your friend. I thought I was your best friend. Anyway, October comes around and you start dropping these little hints to me. "I want to come over to your house and take a nap in your bed." What am I supposed to think about that? You had never talked to me like that before. That night that we stayed up all night talking in your parents' driveway and you asked me to stay... I was so happy that night, even though I didn't stay. The hints became more frequent. I never initiated anything. I just went along with it. Hell, I was happy, so why not? Then you got your new apartment with Dave. Unfortunately for Dave, he didn't know how much you and I actually hung out. Because you had this apartment, we didn't have to drive around to hang out like we had before, so we just chilled there. This annoyed Dave, and still does. I know it is one of the reasons he wants to move out. I've never been as close to him as to you guys. We're still good friends, it's just, I don't know how to explain it. We hang out all of the time. My friends are your friends and you guys are even friends with my cousins/family. Throughout all of this though, you have gotten to be very posessive. Whether you admit to it or not. If I ever go somewhere by myself, you have to know where I'm going and when I'll be back. Even who I'm with. You accuse me of going off to see other people and say I have other motives when I don't. I don't ask you where you are 24/7. I don't give you 20 questions when you leave a room, so why do it to me? If we aren't dating, then why are you so concerned about who I spend time with? Don't get me wrong. I like this attention. I like it a lot. But, this is the kind of attention a BOYFRIEND pays to his GIRLFRIEND. You keep tabs on me. I like it though, so I don't say anything. When we had that talk that one night, (you know which one I mean.) you said that you were a jealous person. I can see that now. I don't mind it though, It makes me feel special. I would never cheat on you. Well, I guess it isn't really cheating since we aren't offically together. I would never hurt you though. I'm just not that type of person. Ever since I found out that you messed around on that last business trip and then messed around with me, I've always had this tiny voice in the back of my head telling me that you're probably still doing the same thing. Meeting up with girls off of the internet and messing around and then coming back to me for a second helping. I wish I wouldn't think such things, but the fact that you would do something like that to me in the first place, being your best friend and all, I can't help it. I would never do something like that in the first place and even if I did, I would be up front and honest about it. Hearing things from your other friends hurts a hell of a lot worse than hearing it from you. And still, I wonder if you would still go on these trips and mess around with some super hot chick and never tell any of your friends. That way, I would never find out and you'd still get away with it. I'm not stupid and I guess I can't really complain because we don't have that title. I guess it makes it okay that way. I'm probably just talking out of my ass about that, but it feels better to get it out. Keeping all of these secrets is wearing me out. We're supposed to be able to be honest with our friends. We all care about each other to much to let this stupid shit happen. I feel like it just comes down to you being ashamed of me. I try to be good for you. I look out for you. I baby you and spoil the hell out of you. I feel like it's all give and no take. I don't know what else to do. Why is it okay to eat together alone a lot, but when we want to go out with friends, it can't look like a date? Since when did hanging out get so complicated? I don't understand where the insecurity comes from. All I know is that I care about you very much. I want you to be happy more than anything and I try to make you happy. You and the other guys. I don't ever want to stop talking to you. We can get through this. No matter what happens, I'll always be there for you. Please remember that. I hope that you'll read this and think. It's good to get this out. Trust me. I feel so much better. Please give me a call when you're ready to. I care.
Your Very Best Friend In The Whole Wide World,
Jessica Leigh Talley :)