the scale

[crazeehazel]

i am trying to understand some of my current crazy emotions.  i feel sickened that the physical number that appears on the scale has been such an incorporated part of my daily happiness.  it can totally make a mood for the day, and i feel that disgusting.  i feel so molded by society because deep down i do not actually have the views that a person needs to be stick skinny to be attractive.  and i actually do find thicker girls more attractive then really skinny ones often.  its disgusting because i know that it is only a product of what the media has shoved down my throat all throughout my life.  i never worried when i was growing up because i had an athletic little build from being such a tom-boy.  i realized that my first ounce of depression occured during eighth grade, a time in which i actually had for the first time in my life been more than stick skinny.  i was by no means overweight or fat, but looking at my bloated cheeks in the mirror caused me embarrassment and shame.  i really think it had nothing to do with the fact that i was going through puberty and becoming a woman, not a little girl, but instead with the fact that my friends all turned their backs on me.  hormones were rushing through all of us, and i was an easy target.  i was sensitive and pretty naive.  it was difficult for me to actually believe when people were making fun of me so i tended to ignore it and never bring it up.  i dont even know what it was about me that they started to make fun of.  i was smart, hung out with the "cool" crowd, was good at sports, was decent looking.  it became harder and harder for me to talk.  the worst time during the year was spring break.  my two "true" friends were on vacation with their families, something which i never got to do growing up like all of the other rich people in my community.  ya, money sucks.  i was too ashamed to call anyone of my group of friends, because i knew they would all be together and not want me to come over.  they would eventually end the call and i would hear laughing in the background.  i finally realized that i was a target.  i was a major part of their entertainment.  i remember staring out the window of my bedroom with the phone right next to me hoping badly that someone would call.  anyone, i was so alone.  i was holding an earring and wondered what it would feel like to scratch it against my skin.  i did so, and then wonderered which earring of all the ones i owned would hurt the most.  so i went through all of them, feeling so crazy, but had my first tast of raw rebellion.  directed at the self.  instead of hating them and finding new friends, i hated me.  a whole group of people could not be wrong.  there was something wrong with me.  i talked less and less and by the end of the eighth grade i barely spoke to anyone.  i would hang out with them occasionlly, i guess when they felt sorry for me or wanted to further entertain themselves.  but i rarely spoke when we would hang out.  i wouldnt smile, or frown, just a straight face.  i remember one time going to a football game with them and a boy accidentally spilling his pop on me.  i didnt even flinch.  i just wiped it up with a napkin and let it stain my clothes.  this popular girl "meghan" came up to me and said, "wow, you handled that really well.  i would have went off on him if that happened toi me."  i remember thinking, "why didnt i even react on the inside when that happened?"  it was as if my emotions were dead to me even there.  i felt i deserved it.

coming back to my original thought, why do i feel so horrible when i look at the scale and realize its a few pounds off what i want it to be?  no one can see a difference.  its not like it would matter anyways.  why has my brain been trained to think this way?  is it because the first of my blues began when my body started gaining weight, due to puberty?  i linked the two in such a way that any bloating of the body would always bring back these horrible feelings and remind me that i deserve to suffer.

i have to run, but that is really just the beginning of my exploration related to my weight.