batch 1: Actors, Aging, Animals, Atheism, Babies
Jokes/ Quotes
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
- One hundred. One to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to say, "I could've done that."
***
"Playing Shakespeare is so tiring. You never get a change to sit down unless you're a king."
-Josephine Hull
***
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
-George Burns
***
A bunch of old guys would sit around playng chess in the park all day. One day a new guy showed up. He was pretty wrinkled and had white hair and he got in a game with one of the old guys. After looking at the new guy for a while, the other guy said, "You know, I just noticed. You're not wearing glasses, you got your real teeth, you got no hearing aid, and you're in pretty good shape."
The new guy said, "Well, when I was a kid, my parents took me to the doctor and the doctor said that if I wanted to stay in shape, I should make love with a woman four times a day. And that's what I've been doing up to this day."
"Really? How old are you?"
"Twenty-four."
***
"I've got everything I had twenty years ago--except now it's all lower."
- Gypsy Rose Lee
***
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
***
My doctor has a great stress test. It's called "The Bill."
***
Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together?
Their slogan was, "Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back."
***
The first grade class gatheres around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"
"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.
"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"
"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.
"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children...it's something your mother calls your father."
"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a horny bastard!"
***
"How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?"
-Dennis Miller
***
"My brother had a hamster. He took it to the vet--it's like bringing a disposable lighter in for repairs."
-Wayne Cotter
***
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, a gust of wond blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded sagely and explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid meant "fick you."
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day he bought two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, ad a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla lookes at the knife in his cage, then looked at his own crotch, and solemnly pulled down his eyelid.
***
What's the best way to stop a runaway horse?
Bet on it.
***
"Ever let your parakeet out of its cage? My parakeet will fly across the room, right into the mirror.... He will hit that mirror: Bang! And he will fly off in some other direction trying to get it together. He's so stupid! Even if he thought the mirror was another room, you'd think he'd try to avoid hitting the other parakeet!"
-Jerry Seinfeld
***
"My parakeet died. We were playing badminton."
-Danny Curtis
***
"I gave my cat a bath the other day.... He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."
-Steve Martin
***
"I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother tole me it's because ot's colder in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?"
-Wendy Liebman
***
Why are dogs better than kids?
When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep.
***
"I have a great dog. She's half Labrador, half pit bull. It's a good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me."
-Jimi Celeste
***
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!"
The other replies, "Moo!"
The first dog is perplexed. He says, "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo?'"
The other dog answers, I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
***
Two ladies are at the vet's office. Once has a poodle and the other a Great Dane. The lady with the Great Dane asks the poodle lady, "Why are you here?"
"Oh," the woman says, "My dog keeps scratching himself so I'm here to get some flea spray. What about you?"
The Great Dane lady says, "I'm here because my dog is oversexed. If I bend over to wash the floor or pick up anything, he wraps his paws around me and starts to hump me."
"So you're here to get him neutered?"
"No," says the other woman, "I'm here to get his nails clipped."
***
"I got my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog, but he's a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt."
-Larry Amoros
***
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness and an atheist?
Someone who rings your doorbell for no reason.
***
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.
***
Looking at their new baby, the mother said, "Those tiny arms, he'll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he'll never be a runner."
The father said, "He'll never be a porn star either."
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
- One hundred. One to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to say, "I could've done that."
***
"Playing Shakespeare is so tiring. You never get a change to sit down unless you're a king."
-Josephine Hull
***
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
-George Burns
***
A bunch of old guys would sit around playng chess in the park all day. One day a new guy showed up. He was pretty wrinkled and had white hair and he got in a game with one of the old guys. After looking at the new guy for a while, the other guy said, "You know, I just noticed. You're not wearing glasses, you got your real teeth, you got no hearing aid, and you're in pretty good shape."
The new guy said, "Well, when I was a kid, my parents took me to the doctor and the doctor said that if I wanted to stay in shape, I should make love with a woman four times a day. And that's what I've been doing up to this day."
"Really? How old are you?"
"Twenty-four."
***
"I've got everything I had twenty years ago--except now it's all lower."
- Gypsy Rose Lee
***
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
***
My doctor has a great stress test. It's called "The Bill."
***
Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together?
Their slogan was, "Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back."
***
The first grade class gatheres around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"
"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.
"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"
"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.
"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children...it's something your mother calls your father."
"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a horny bastard!"
***
"How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?"
-Dennis Miller
***
"My brother had a hamster. He took it to the vet--it's like bringing a disposable lighter in for repairs."
-Wayne Cotter
***
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, a gust of wond blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded sagely and explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid meant "fick you."
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day he bought two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, ad a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla lookes at the knife in his cage, then looked at his own crotch, and solemnly pulled down his eyelid.
***
What's the best way to stop a runaway horse?
Bet on it.
***
"Ever let your parakeet out of its cage? My parakeet will fly across the room, right into the mirror.... He will hit that mirror: Bang! And he will fly off in some other direction trying to get it together. He's so stupid! Even if he thought the mirror was another room, you'd think he'd try to avoid hitting the other parakeet!"
-Jerry Seinfeld
***
"My parakeet died. We were playing badminton."
-Danny Curtis
***
"I gave my cat a bath the other day.... He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."
-Steve Martin
***
"I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother tole me it's because ot's colder in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?"
-Wendy Liebman
***
Why are dogs better than kids?
When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep.
***
"I have a great dog. She's half Labrador, half pit bull. It's a good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me."
-Jimi Celeste
***
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!"
The other replies, "Moo!"
The first dog is perplexed. He says, "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo?'"
The other dog answers, I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
***
Two ladies are at the vet's office. Once has a poodle and the other a Great Dane. The lady with the Great Dane asks the poodle lady, "Why are you here?"
"Oh," the woman says, "My dog keeps scratching himself so I'm here to get some flea spray. What about you?"
The Great Dane lady says, "I'm here because my dog is oversexed. If I bend over to wash the floor or pick up anything, he wraps his paws around me and starts to hump me."
"So you're here to get him neutered?"
"No," says the other woman, "I'm here to get his nails clipped."
***
"I got my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog, but he's a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt."
-Larry Amoros
***
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness and an atheist?
Someone who rings your doorbell for no reason.
***
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.
***
Looking at their new baby, the mother said, "Those tiny arms, he'll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he'll never be a runner."
The father said, "He'll never be a porn star either."