hold on loosely, but don't let go...
If you grip too tightly, you're gunna lose control...
So I've just been thinking a lot lately... which normally isn't different than any other time but I have a lot on my mind. I kind-of came to a realization, maybe even an epiphany. I don't blame you anymore. I've been searching so long for reasons and just putting all the blame on you but I can't do that anymore. I think I may have shifted the blame to myself but I believe that I have done it rightfully so. It never made sense for you to try... and I always pushed you... in directions that you just weren't meant to go. I developed all these illusions over time of how the way things were, how they should be, and how they were going to be. I had diluted myself from the real world so much that I failed to see the way things were going. All along I kept thinking that I should have known better. I just got so caught up. At the same time, I don't regret one second of it. I've also come to the realization that it was better to simply have you in my life. What really sucks.... is that I don't think you ever felt that way or do or will. I just can't believe how much I had lost sight of things. Especially since now I know how much I am missing and living without. It's just not worth all the petty things that used to happen and I would stress over. I am so good at making mountains out of mole-hills and I don't know who I thought I was trying to change you.
That's not to say that I don't still wish things were different but it's just become much more clear that we really never were like anyone else. Just not in the good way that we had thought. I never wanted to let it go... and now that I've tried I know that I can't. I've seen so many people around me moving forward... in a together sort of way mostly... but moving forward none-the-less. And I always catch myself wishing that it would be like that for us. Then I think that I am stupid for still wanting those things, and I clearly am. It's not the same for you and it never has been. I was just so caught up in myself and how much I wanted that I failed to see your unhappiness. And it really is my fault. I was so naive to think that it would just work out, that everything was finally perfect. It just seemed like it was so close, so within my reach. I didn't take the time to look back and notice where you were in the equation. I think that I brought this on myself... regardless of whether it is something I deserved or not is not the issue because it happened anyway. Everytime I analyze it I try to focus on you giving up. It has always seemed so much more logical because I know that I have never stopped loving, wanting, or caring for you. I've tried to surpress it numerous ways. I've gone through phases of very unpretty things and I know that you wouldn't be proud of me for them. I tried blaming you for that too because it made sense at the time. It again was entirely my fault. I let myself fall into things I never should have. I know that I am better than those things and would stay away from those things on purpose. I just know that I was incredibly lonely.... and I confused that by trying to fill it with the things I did and it never worked. It took me a while to realize that I wanted you...that I still want you. I want you to fill that void and make me whole again. I can't believe how after all this time it's still you.
It's still you... and you don't realize what that really means. No matter how much I'm hurting, you still have this strange ability of fixing it, even if it's only temporary. I crave that feeling. I don't understand it and I don't understand why you have been so eager to help me. Although I don't think you fully understand the affect you have on me, you have to know to some extent. So that makes me very curious as to why you would do that. The only thing that's made some sense in my mind is that you feel guilty and I don't want that. Yes it hurt, of course it did...and still does. But you can't change that. You are never coming back. Even if you did, it would never be the same. It would be even harder to put things back together. I would think it would be worth it to be able to have that feeling of being whole but I can't imagine what it would do for you. I am under the perception that you never really wanted me as much, that I simply wasn't as valuable. I think that a big portion of the reason would be that it's easier to believe that whether it's true or not. It's easier to believe that because it hurts less. And that's the simple truth.
again, it seems as though I could go on forever.... I'd rather call it quits before I stop making sense....
....but I don't blame you anymore, that's too much pain to store.... it let me half dead...inside my head....but now that seems light years away. <3
So I've just been thinking a lot lately... which normally isn't different than any other time but I have a lot on my mind. I kind-of came to a realization, maybe even an epiphany. I don't blame you anymore. I've been searching so long for reasons and just putting all the blame on you but I can't do that anymore. I think I may have shifted the blame to myself but I believe that I have done it rightfully so. It never made sense for you to try... and I always pushed you... in directions that you just weren't meant to go. I developed all these illusions over time of how the way things were, how they should be, and how they were going to be. I had diluted myself from the real world so much that I failed to see the way things were going. All along I kept thinking that I should have known better. I just got so caught up. At the same time, I don't regret one second of it. I've also come to the realization that it was better to simply have you in my life. What really sucks.... is that I don't think you ever felt that way or do or will. I just can't believe how much I had lost sight of things. Especially since now I know how much I am missing and living without. It's just not worth all the petty things that used to happen and I would stress over. I am so good at making mountains out of mole-hills and I don't know who I thought I was trying to change you.
That's not to say that I don't still wish things were different but it's just become much more clear that we really never were like anyone else. Just not in the good way that we had thought. I never wanted to let it go... and now that I've tried I know that I can't. I've seen so many people around me moving forward... in a together sort of way mostly... but moving forward none-the-less. And I always catch myself wishing that it would be like that for us. Then I think that I am stupid for still wanting those things, and I clearly am. It's not the same for you and it never has been. I was just so caught up in myself and how much I wanted that I failed to see your unhappiness. And it really is my fault. I was so naive to think that it would just work out, that everything was finally perfect. It just seemed like it was so close, so within my reach. I didn't take the time to look back and notice where you were in the equation. I think that I brought this on myself... regardless of whether it is something I deserved or not is not the issue because it happened anyway. Everytime I analyze it I try to focus on you giving up. It has always seemed so much more logical because I know that I have never stopped loving, wanting, or caring for you. I've tried to surpress it numerous ways. I've gone through phases of very unpretty things and I know that you wouldn't be proud of me for them. I tried blaming you for that too because it made sense at the time. It again was entirely my fault. I let myself fall into things I never should have. I know that I am better than those things and would stay away from those things on purpose. I just know that I was incredibly lonely.... and I confused that by trying to fill it with the things I did and it never worked. It took me a while to realize that I wanted you...that I still want you. I want you to fill that void and make me whole again. I can't believe how after all this time it's still you.
It's still you... and you don't realize what that really means. No matter how much I'm hurting, you still have this strange ability of fixing it, even if it's only temporary. I crave that feeling. I don't understand it and I don't understand why you have been so eager to help me. Although I don't think you fully understand the affect you have on me, you have to know to some extent. So that makes me very curious as to why you would do that. The only thing that's made some sense in my mind is that you feel guilty and I don't want that. Yes it hurt, of course it did...and still does. But you can't change that. You are never coming back. Even if you did, it would never be the same. It would be even harder to put things back together. I would think it would be worth it to be able to have that feeling of being whole but I can't imagine what it would do for you. I am under the perception that you never really wanted me as much, that I simply wasn't as valuable. I think that a big portion of the reason would be that it's easier to believe that whether it's true or not. It's easier to believe that because it hurts less. And that's the simple truth.
again, it seems as though I could go on forever.... I'd rather call it quits before I stop making sense....
....but I don't blame you anymore, that's too much pain to store.... it let me half dead...inside my head....but now that seems light years away. <3