(no subject)
i dont know why god thinks he can test me like this. im not strong enough .. and i'm really about to break. its like.. he lets me get so fucking close to people only to have them ripped away. they move .. we grow apart.. and i dont get it. theres only been one constant thing in my life.. and that was whenever something starts going right everything goes wrong. it always happens, and quite frankly i'm gettin sick of it. theres so much sitting on my shoulders right now. and my back is breaking. im gonna break. im hitting that point and i can see it. and no1 takes me seriously when i say im gonna break down. but i am. almsot everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to care. i could start a whole rant on that alone, but i dont have the energy anymore.
so chris left today. and ill probably see him in a month. but ugh. im just so .. i dont even know the word. lets just say it wasnt pretty after i got off the phone with him. i spent half n hour with my manager crying over evverything trying not to break down to HIM of all people. i told him part of what was going on. just not everything. and then barbara was talking to me and idk. it made so much sense, yet none at the same time. she said something along the lines of
"i dont understand you skye. i dont. you are such a beautiful girl and you deserve so much more. you have so much going for you and yet you go for all these guys who make you so deeply unhappy. they dont deserve you"
and thats NOT IT. i go for these guys who make me SO incredibly happy... for a short period of time. and then they leave. it always happens.. they ALWAYS leave. the only one who hasnt is matt... and well that just doenst count because hes got me so fucked up mentally.
supposidly im gonna look back in 5 years and laugh at myself for crying over him. but its been that long since billy.. and i dont laugh at crying over him. not at all. and i was never even in love with him. so what does that say?
then i find out today that my second half.. nikki .. might be moving to florida. what the fuck. i will die without that girl. we've had our moments but we are so fucking close. im ALWAYS with her. her house is my 2nd home. we are fucking inseperable. and she may have to fucking leave. id what i would do.
and idk theres alot going on in my family. and i cant take it. and a relationship? forget it. i dont see one anytime in the near future because im just a sex object. im not a virgin so guys assume that means i dont care about sex. and i have big boobs.. so that automatically makes me a slut. and i cant take it. im sick of this whole "lets get to know eachother" shit when it just leads to them wanting sex. NO. ugh.
i hate starting relationships. because guys can be so fucking decieving{i think i spelled that wrong}. and i try to get close and get my heart smashed. thats why i dont open up to people. theres 2 guys that know almost everything about me. matt & chris. other guys. dont know SHIT about the real me. theres still stuff i wont tell matt 3 fucking years into our friendship. i think i may have opened up to chris too fast.. but i trusted him. i still trust him. just not with my heart. maybe i expect too much of people these days but god is some common fucking decency too much to ask?
apparently yes.
and haha about a month ago i lost the necklace chris gave me. i didnt tell anyone but my mmom lol. i yook it and threw it and i couldnt find it. i freaked out when i lost it though. and i found it today. and i was able to put it on without crying. :D go me
and theres another secret about that necklace. another one only my mom knows. but we wont go there right now lol
so chris left today. and ill probably see him in a month. but ugh. im just so .. i dont even know the word. lets just say it wasnt pretty after i got off the phone with him. i spent half n hour with my manager crying over evverything trying not to break down to HIM of all people. i told him part of what was going on. just not everything. and then barbara was talking to me and idk. it made so much sense, yet none at the same time. she said something along the lines of
"i dont understand you skye. i dont. you are such a beautiful girl and you deserve so much more. you have so much going for you and yet you go for all these guys who make you so deeply unhappy. they dont deserve you"
and thats NOT IT. i go for these guys who make me SO incredibly happy... for a short period of time. and then they leave. it always happens.. they ALWAYS leave. the only one who hasnt is matt... and well that just doenst count because hes got me so fucked up mentally.
supposidly im gonna look back in 5 years and laugh at myself for crying over him. but its been that long since billy.. and i dont laugh at crying over him. not at all. and i was never even in love with him. so what does that say?
then i find out today that my second half.. nikki .. might be moving to florida. what the fuck. i will die without that girl. we've had our moments but we are so fucking close. im ALWAYS with her. her house is my 2nd home. we are fucking inseperable. and she may have to fucking leave. id what i would do.
and idk theres alot going on in my family. and i cant take it. and a relationship? forget it. i dont see one anytime in the near future because im just a sex object. im not a virgin so guys assume that means i dont care about sex. and i have big boobs.. so that automatically makes me a slut. and i cant take it. im sick of this whole "lets get to know eachother" shit when it just leads to them wanting sex. NO. ugh.
i hate starting relationships. because guys can be so fucking decieving{i think i spelled that wrong}. and i try to get close and get my heart smashed. thats why i dont open up to people. theres 2 guys that know almost everything about me. matt & chris. other guys. dont know SHIT about the real me. theres still stuff i wont tell matt 3 fucking years into our friendship. i think i may have opened up to chris too fast.. but i trusted him. i still trust him. just not with my heart. maybe i expect too much of people these days but god is some common fucking decency too much to ask?
apparently yes.
and haha about a month ago i lost the necklace chris gave me. i didnt tell anyone but my mmom lol. i yook it and threw it and i couldnt find it. i freaked out when i lost it though. and i found it today. and i was able to put it on without crying. :D go me
and theres another secret about that necklace. another one only my mom knows. but we wont go there right now lol