(no subject)
this song has been making me cry.. but i cant stop playing it. ugh.
today has just been a mess. im just..
numb? maybe thats the word
i had a talk with amanda last night about this whole situation. and i made myself realize that im gonna be okay.. but idk its still rough. i dont know if hes actually gonna come by. i DO want him to... even though everyone is telling me it will be a bad idea. either way its gonna hurt. and either way.. im gonna get over it. i dont have much of a choice, now do i?
but last night ... i dont know what came over me. but i lost it for a little while. downed some whiskey, smoked a bowl.. and CRIED. i mean i was crying last night when i was writing that entry.. but when i say i CRIED i was hysterical. to the point my chest and stomach hurt and i couldnt breathe. it wasnt even just chris. it was EVERYTHING. my family, my job, my "friends", guys.. my life. its almost unbearable sometimes. and i sat there really contemplating just taking a shitload of sleeping pills. obviusly i didnt.. but knowing i was even thinking about it.. scares me. i didnt even think about cutting.. i skipped that step. i just wanted it to be over. -sigh- that was heat of the moment though. im kinda okay right now.
i was doin okay for a while.. but im back in a slump. im starting to wonder if i could maybe be bipolar?
and it sucks cuz when i get like this i dont care what i eat, i dont work out.. i cant be like this. ive worked so so hard to lose weight and stasrt gettin in shape...
but anyway so yea.. i dont know.
tonight however, im going out with daren, john, and emily. and it should be good times. right now i dont even wanna go. i dont wanna do anything.. but i know once i do go ill have a blast. i love my crew <3
today has just been a mess. im just..
numb? maybe thats the word
i had a talk with amanda last night about this whole situation. and i made myself realize that im gonna be okay.. but idk its still rough. i dont know if hes actually gonna come by. i DO want him to... even though everyone is telling me it will be a bad idea. either way its gonna hurt. and either way.. im gonna get over it. i dont have much of a choice, now do i?
but last night ... i dont know what came over me. but i lost it for a little while. downed some whiskey, smoked a bowl.. and CRIED. i mean i was crying last night when i was writing that entry.. but when i say i CRIED i was hysterical. to the point my chest and stomach hurt and i couldnt breathe. it wasnt even just chris. it was EVERYTHING. my family, my job, my "friends", guys.. my life. its almost unbearable sometimes. and i sat there really contemplating just taking a shitload of sleeping pills. obviusly i didnt.. but knowing i was even thinking about it.. scares me. i didnt even think about cutting.. i skipped that step. i just wanted it to be over. -sigh- that was heat of the moment though. im kinda okay right now.
i was doin okay for a while.. but im back in a slump. im starting to wonder if i could maybe be bipolar?
and it sucks cuz when i get like this i dont care what i eat, i dont work out.. i cant be like this. ive worked so so hard to lose weight and stasrt gettin in shape...
but anyway so yea.. i dont know.
tonight however, im going out with daren, john, and emily. and it should be good times. right now i dont even wanna go. i dont wanna do anything.. but i know once i do go ill have a blast. i love my crew <3