Our battle with weakness
There's a moment when you're on the brink of falling into something and you realize it, and you can save yourself... or you can hurl yourself right into the thick of it, ignoring all of the signs and everything that matters most. For some, they aren't as lucky--and I use that term loosely because really if you're in this situation, how lucky can you be in the first place?--Some people do not realize they are on the verge of addiction before it happens. That's what happened to me several years ago with prescription pain killers. But this time, it's alcohol, and I did have the opportunity to catch myself before falling, before it really became a problem. I've always been a social drinker, only drinking when we're out or having the occasional drink at home, but it was never a regular thing. Only lately has it been where we go out more, which has lead to drinking more and also we drink more at home. Usually at least a beer of two, each, between me and my husband. Sometimes, it's a bottle of wine. You would think that it's something that we both should have noticed, this increase. Really though, it isn't that simple. And you might be thinking, "Jen! What the hell? You're an addict. You shouldn't drink at all!" Or if you know enough about my history to know that I'm bipolar, you might be adding to that statement, "You shouldn't be drinking while on lamictal!" I know, okay? I do. My husband does, too. My husband the paramedic, a medical professional... He knows. So, why when we both know better does this happen? I don't know, but all I know is that we've been given a chance to stop it before it becomes a problem for both of us. Yes, not just me. Both of us. What do you do when your rock through everything you've been through has his own moment of weakness?
The realization happened while at a concert Thursday night for Theory of a Deadman, Adelitas Way and Charm City Devils. At the end of the night we were taking care of our bar tab, and the lady was like, "Whoa! This is the highest bar tab I've ever seen in my five years of working here... by like $200!" Then she showed us the ticket and we were both instantly sober. $368. Three hundred and sixty-eight dollars. What the fuck? How can that be possible? She showed us the ticket showing everything that we had, and double, triple and quadruple checked the total to make sure she didn't fuck up. She didn't. And btw, it was the highest bar tab in the history of the bar. Congratulations to us. NOT.
So, we get in the backseat of D's dad's car, look at each other, and all he says to me is, "Jen..." and that was enough to have me in tears as I said, "I know." The next morning was my weekly therapy session. Douglas went with me, and we brought up our concerns, and of course both of us get lectured on how we knew better and how we need to take steps to change. He didn't think that we necessarily were at the point of needing to go to AA or anything, but stated our need for constant awareness of of weaknesses and to remove all temptations. If it remains a problem after that, then we will need to do something further. But for now at least, we will no longer out ourselves in social situations where we will feel the need to drink. Our friends have been made aware of the situation so that they can help us. All alcohol has been removed from our house, as well as from D's parents' house. Douglas is also putting himself in weekly therapy with me.
Prayers from anyone who actually reads this would be greatly appreciated. We have so much riding on our success of making sure that this doesn't become a problem for either of us.
The realization happened while at a concert Thursday night for Theory of a Deadman, Adelitas Way and Charm City Devils. At the end of the night we were taking care of our bar tab, and the lady was like, "Whoa! This is the highest bar tab I've ever seen in my five years of working here... by like $200!" Then she showed us the ticket and we were both instantly sober. $368. Three hundred and sixty-eight dollars. What the fuck? How can that be possible? She showed us the ticket showing everything that we had, and double, triple and quadruple checked the total to make sure she didn't fuck up. She didn't. And btw, it was the highest bar tab in the history of the bar. Congratulations to us. NOT.
So, we get in the backseat of D's dad's car, look at each other, and all he says to me is, "Jen..." and that was enough to have me in tears as I said, "I know." The next morning was my weekly therapy session. Douglas went with me, and we brought up our concerns, and of course both of us get lectured on how we knew better and how we need to take steps to change. He didn't think that we necessarily were at the point of needing to go to AA or anything, but stated our need for constant awareness of of weaknesses and to remove all temptations. If it remains a problem after that, then we will need to do something further. But for now at least, we will no longer out ourselves in social situations where we will feel the need to drink. Our friends have been made aware of the situation so that they can help us. All alcohol has been removed from our house, as well as from D's parents' house. Douglas is also putting himself in weekly therapy with me.
Prayers from anyone who actually reads this would be greatly appreciated. We have so much riding on our success of making sure that this doesn't become a problem for either of us.