Late Night/ Early Morning Rambling on Life
This is something that I started writing last night around three in the morning, then I finished when I woke up this morning, not that I got much sleep because of my whirling mind. Read at your own risk of suffering from brain trauma due to rambling thoughts, some of which are gloomy and depressing, some naive, and some thoughts and questions which don't make any sense at all to keep thinking about since they won't change anything.
I can't sleep, and I just need to something with my mind, so I'm just going to write. I think getting all of this out there will help me. It helped so much to write that short one-shot based off of Douglas' accident. I think that as a writer, I cannot deny myself the relief that will come from writing this and posting. I know that I don't know most of the people who will read this, but in some messed up way, it helps. It helps to know that I won't be coddled for my words here. There will be sympathy and kind words exchanged, but I won't have to deal with being smothered.
I think I'm just going to let the words flow here. I don't trust myself to touch Jelly Bean or SIE tonight or maybe even for a while. I honestly don't know yet. I might be able to return to SIE sooner than Jelly Bean due to the circumstances. I'm not putting either of them on a hiatus. I will work on them, but only when I trust myself to put my best into it without my personal life effecting the storyline, characters, or the quality of work. If you don't understand my reticence to work on Jelly Bean, you will by the end of this entry.
I don't know why things like this happen. I'm not going to pretend to understand why we can't just have happiness in our lives and have that be enough, but I think I know why sadness and heartache exist. Perhaps, these concepts exist to make us fully appreciate the things in our lives that go right for us. Bad things happen and it forces you to take that step back and analyze where your life is now, where it has been and where you want it to go from here.
So many things have happened in our life recently, that I feel overwhelmed. So many good things, a few scary things, and a few really hard hitting heart crushing events.
Late January I lost my Papa (One of my mom's dads). While completely expected and not sudden, it was still completely devastating. I've been run-down and somewhat depressed over this. I was started on Pristiq shortly after his death. I have a long history with depression and other less pleasant issues such as cutting and at one time a pain killer addiction. All of which I've overcome and now my life is headed in a good direction. Getting put on a medication so soon after the event has been a life saver. I'm positive that it's kept me from going deeper and into my darker self. I am so blessed to finally have a doctor who understands that I cannot go down that road again and was willing to take measures to prevent that outcome. My previous doctor was a douche and thought I was making up my instability. I spiraled out of control for a long time until Douglas finally told me last year to say screw it with insurance options and pick the doctor that I want to go to, even if we had to pay out of pocket. Which ended up being the best decision we could have made because the new doctor put me back on medication for bipolar disorder, which my other doctor had taken me off of because he didn't think I needed it.
Then very early March I almost lost Doug to a serious motorcycle accident. Someone ran a red light and hit him. Thank God for his helmet. It was cracked in three places, but his head was saved. He had a bruised up body with numerous scrapes, a dislocated shoulder and a broken clavicle. The clavicle was bad enough that they had to do surgery. He plays violin, and so that has put a real damper on one of the things that truly makes him happy. He's made an amazing recovery and can now make it through warm ups and scales on his violin, but cannot play for extended periods of time, but he's getting there. Unfortunately, when they take out the bracket and screws in two weeks, it'll set back his playing a little.
The medical bills from his accident and a bill for $1,500 for lab work that I had done in February have almost steamrolled our bank account.
We'd been so tight on money. Although, now knowing why we were so strapped for money, I feel so bad for some of the fights we had over this. As I posted a few days ago, on April 6th Douglas proposed. It was our third year anniversary and it was so romantic and about time! Haha. After seeing the ring and all of the effort he'd put into that day, I now have a better understanding of why we were so tight on money. He spent a freaking fortune on my ring.
Now, here we are not even two weeks later, and we've taken another emotional hit. Saturday night I was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pain and cramping. I was also bleeding. It turned out that I was having miscarriage. We didn't know I was pregnant, until it was already gone. I was about nine weeks along. I had the D&C really early Sunday morning. It's hard to describe this feeling of loss. How do you put into words how much you love and miss something you didn't even know you had until it was gone? It doesn't seem like something that makes any sense. I feel empty; like part of me is gone.
And really it's a loss of something that I NEVER thought that we'd get to have because of my PCOS. A few years ago one of my ovaries had a cyst so large that it twisted and killed the ovary. The cyst had 6 Liters of fluid in it. Let's put that into perspective for a second... that's two 3 Liter bottles of soda or three 2 Liter bottles. Moving on, my remaining ovary has cysts as well, but is still mostly functional. I'd been put on hormone replacement therapy and told that having kids naturally was not a likely part of my future. So we've never had to use birth control or condoms or anything like that.
Surprise.
I got a taste, and even though it was bitter and tainted by the fact that it had already been miscarried, I now knew there was nothing I wanted more than a baby.
I'm not sure how I should even really feel at this point. Sad for sure, hurt, angry, depressed, numb, confused, jealous of others. The amount of jealousy I have for a close friend is intense. Also the lovely Emily Deschanel. Not only is she fabulous, but she gets to have something that I don't. I'm so jealous of her and others right now, it isn't even funny. But the thing that messes with me the most right now, is the sense of relief. How is that even possible? How does that even make sense? I'd almost been given what I never thought I'd have. We just got engaged. I keep thinking that if this pregnancy had been viable, what would have happened with my wedding plans? What would people have thought? Would they think that we were getting married because of the baby rather than the genuine feelings we have for each other? What about the dress? Would we have tried to plan a fast wedding or wait until after the baby was born? I feel horrible about the fact that I'm relieved I won't have to make those decisions.
I'm a fanfic reader/writer; we're practically experts on writing unplanned surprise pregnancies. My Bones fic, The Jelly Bean in the Bones, is one such fic where there is a surprise pregnancy. I've read enough and written enough that I can now clearly see that all of the signs were there. Why did I ignore them? I keep thinking, what if I had known? Would the outcome be any different? What if I had done something that caused this to happen? I keep wondering why I didn't realize I was pregnant? Why didn't I realize what was happening to my own body? Maybe it's because I'd been programmed to think that it would never happen to me, so why even consider it a possibility. Maybe if I had, I could have done something different. I know, that isn't how it works. The doctors all told me it was nothing I did and there is nothing I could have done, but my mind is not so ready to agree.
I cannot even put into words this loss. Douglas has been amazing through all of this. It's humbling to know that I'm not alone. It's his loss, too. This completely blindsided us. He'd known that I couldn't have kids when I met him. We'd talked about kids a few times over the last three years, but hadn't really made a decision to start looking for alternatives. Now that we are engaged, I think we were both expecting to wait until after the wedding for the topic to come back up, and we certainly didn't expect it to come up like this. And while I cannot understand why this had to happen to us, I can understand that as long as I have him, we'll make it through this and one day, it'll be our turn. Maybe, it'll happen naturally again since it did once, or maybe we'll have to adopt. Who knows. We'll get our chance at another precious gift.
Looking forward to our future and appreciating the things we have are the only way that we will be able to move on from this. We've got each other, my birthday is in 9 days, we have a wedding to plan, summer vacation is just in sight, family, friends, God and the wonderful gift of music that we've both been blessed with. And the hope that one day we will be blessed again with the chance of taking care of one of God's most precious gifts in life.
Talking with family and friends has helped, but I also would like my twitterpals to know that those of you who have talked to me last night/early this morning have really helped as well. The power of your kind words have meant so much. Douglas also says thanks. He was peacefully asleep really early this morning when I couldn't sleep. He wishes that I would have woken him up, but he is glad that there are good people out there willing to lend an ear and help others. Much, much love to you all.
XOXO,
Jen and Douglas
I can't sleep, and I just need to something with my mind, so I'm just going to write. I think getting all of this out there will help me. It helped so much to write that short one-shot based off of Douglas' accident. I think that as a writer, I cannot deny myself the relief that will come from writing this and posting. I know that I don't know most of the people who will read this, but in some messed up way, it helps. It helps to know that I won't be coddled for my words here. There will be sympathy and kind words exchanged, but I won't have to deal with being smothered.
I think I'm just going to let the words flow here. I don't trust myself to touch Jelly Bean or SIE tonight or maybe even for a while. I honestly don't know yet. I might be able to return to SIE sooner than Jelly Bean due to the circumstances. I'm not putting either of them on a hiatus. I will work on them, but only when I trust myself to put my best into it without my personal life effecting the storyline, characters, or the quality of work. If you don't understand my reticence to work on Jelly Bean, you will by the end of this entry.
I don't know why things like this happen. I'm not going to pretend to understand why we can't just have happiness in our lives and have that be enough, but I think I know why sadness and heartache exist. Perhaps, these concepts exist to make us fully appreciate the things in our lives that go right for us. Bad things happen and it forces you to take that step back and analyze where your life is now, where it has been and where you want it to go from here.
So many things have happened in our life recently, that I feel overwhelmed. So many good things, a few scary things, and a few really hard hitting heart crushing events.
Late January I lost my Papa (One of my mom's dads). While completely expected and not sudden, it was still completely devastating. I've been run-down and somewhat depressed over this. I was started on Pristiq shortly after his death. I have a long history with depression and other less pleasant issues such as cutting and at one time a pain killer addiction. All of which I've overcome and now my life is headed in a good direction. Getting put on a medication so soon after the event has been a life saver. I'm positive that it's kept me from going deeper and into my darker self. I am so blessed to finally have a doctor who understands that I cannot go down that road again and was willing to take measures to prevent that outcome. My previous doctor was a douche and thought I was making up my instability. I spiraled out of control for a long time until Douglas finally told me last year to say screw it with insurance options and pick the doctor that I want to go to, even if we had to pay out of pocket. Which ended up being the best decision we could have made because the new doctor put me back on medication for bipolar disorder, which my other doctor had taken me off of because he didn't think I needed it.
Then very early March I almost lost Doug to a serious motorcycle accident. Someone ran a red light and hit him. Thank God for his helmet. It was cracked in three places, but his head was saved. He had a bruised up body with numerous scrapes, a dislocated shoulder and a broken clavicle. The clavicle was bad enough that they had to do surgery. He plays violin, and so that has put a real damper on one of the things that truly makes him happy. He's made an amazing recovery and can now make it through warm ups and scales on his violin, but cannot play for extended periods of time, but he's getting there. Unfortunately, when they take out the bracket and screws in two weeks, it'll set back his playing a little.
The medical bills from his accident and a bill for $1,500 for lab work that I had done in February have almost steamrolled our bank account.
We'd been so tight on money. Although, now knowing why we were so strapped for money, I feel so bad for some of the fights we had over this. As I posted a few days ago, on April 6th Douglas proposed. It was our third year anniversary and it was so romantic and about time! Haha. After seeing the ring and all of the effort he'd put into that day, I now have a better understanding of why we were so tight on money. He spent a freaking fortune on my ring.
Now, here we are not even two weeks later, and we've taken another emotional hit. Saturday night I was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pain and cramping. I was also bleeding. It turned out that I was having miscarriage. We didn't know I was pregnant, until it was already gone. I was about nine weeks along. I had the D&C really early Sunday morning. It's hard to describe this feeling of loss. How do you put into words how much you love and miss something you didn't even know you had until it was gone? It doesn't seem like something that makes any sense. I feel empty; like part of me is gone.
And really it's a loss of something that I NEVER thought that we'd get to have because of my PCOS. A few years ago one of my ovaries had a cyst so large that it twisted and killed the ovary. The cyst had 6 Liters of fluid in it. Let's put that into perspective for a second... that's two 3 Liter bottles of soda or three 2 Liter bottles. Moving on, my remaining ovary has cysts as well, but is still mostly functional. I'd been put on hormone replacement therapy and told that having kids naturally was not a likely part of my future. So we've never had to use birth control or condoms or anything like that.
Surprise.
I got a taste, and even though it was bitter and tainted by the fact that it had already been miscarried, I now knew there was nothing I wanted more than a baby.
I'm not sure how I should even really feel at this point. Sad for sure, hurt, angry, depressed, numb, confused, jealous of others. The amount of jealousy I have for a close friend is intense. Also the lovely Emily Deschanel. Not only is she fabulous, but she gets to have something that I don't. I'm so jealous of her and others right now, it isn't even funny. But the thing that messes with me the most right now, is the sense of relief. How is that even possible? How does that even make sense? I'd almost been given what I never thought I'd have. We just got engaged. I keep thinking that if this pregnancy had been viable, what would have happened with my wedding plans? What would people have thought? Would they think that we were getting married because of the baby rather than the genuine feelings we have for each other? What about the dress? Would we have tried to plan a fast wedding or wait until after the baby was born? I feel horrible about the fact that I'm relieved I won't have to make those decisions.
I'm a fanfic reader/writer; we're practically experts on writing unplanned surprise pregnancies. My Bones fic, The Jelly Bean in the Bones, is one such fic where there is a surprise pregnancy. I've read enough and written enough that I can now clearly see that all of the signs were there. Why did I ignore them? I keep thinking, what if I had known? Would the outcome be any different? What if I had done something that caused this to happen? I keep wondering why I didn't realize I was pregnant? Why didn't I realize what was happening to my own body? Maybe it's because I'd been programmed to think that it would never happen to me, so why even consider it a possibility. Maybe if I had, I could have done something different. I know, that isn't how it works. The doctors all told me it was nothing I did and there is nothing I could have done, but my mind is not so ready to agree.
I cannot even put into words this loss. Douglas has been amazing through all of this. It's humbling to know that I'm not alone. It's his loss, too. This completely blindsided us. He'd known that I couldn't have kids when I met him. We'd talked about kids a few times over the last three years, but hadn't really made a decision to start looking for alternatives. Now that we are engaged, I think we were both expecting to wait until after the wedding for the topic to come back up, and we certainly didn't expect it to come up like this. And while I cannot understand why this had to happen to us, I can understand that as long as I have him, we'll make it through this and one day, it'll be our turn. Maybe, it'll happen naturally again since it did once, or maybe we'll have to adopt. Who knows. We'll get our chance at another precious gift.
Looking forward to our future and appreciating the things we have are the only way that we will be able to move on from this. We've got each other, my birthday is in 9 days, we have a wedding to plan, summer vacation is just in sight, family, friends, God and the wonderful gift of music that we've both been blessed with. And the hope that one day we will be blessed again with the chance of taking care of one of God's most precious gifts in life.
Talking with family and friends has helped, but I also would like my twitterpals to know that those of you who have talked to me last night/early this morning have really helped as well. The power of your kind words have meant so much. Douglas also says thanks. He was peacefully asleep really early this morning when I couldn't sleep. He wishes that I would have woken him up, but he is glad that there are good people out there willing to lend an ear and help others. Much, much love to you all.
XOXO,
Jen and Douglas