(no subject)
Call me crazy, but I'm so glad this vacation is over. Who knows what is going to happen between us....I hate that more than anything, but sitting at my house watching tv on one couch while he is on the other is probably the most painful thing that could happen right now. I wanted to try again after the mouse trap. I always want to try again, I want to be with him more than anything in the world. Those 3 days after we started trying again were the most amazing 3 days. I felt so in check, trying to be patient with his bitchiness, taking into account that he had reason. Fights were non-existant. It was pure bliss. Then the fight happened. And it hit hard. And it hurt, and it made me hurt him. It was out of control. I couldn't calm down. He kept trying to talk to me, but I just couldn't calm down. It took me two days to calm down, and at that point I have already said and done too many horrible things that I can't take back. Now that I want to talk, he doesn't. And who can blame him? I can't blame him for not wanting to talk, and I can't blame him if he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
It's scary. Sometimes I'm so sure that's what I want. And less often, all I can think about is getting away. I don't know what will happen next. But I'm scared I can't do it, whatever it is. I'm not as strong as I think. I know that.
In the meantime, I look forward to a couple of weeks with my love Jen before she leaves forever and ever. But no worries, I plan to visit her in the fall. I will miss her very very much.
It's scary. Sometimes I'm so sure that's what I want. And less often, all I can think about is getting away. I don't know what will happen next. But I'm scared I can't do it, whatever it is. I'm not as strong as I think. I know that.
In the meantime, I look forward to a couple of weeks with my love Jen before she leaves forever and ever. But no worries, I plan to visit her in the fall. I will miss her very very much.