.::So It Goes Again::.
I should have never opened myself up. I was right when I decided that that would only lead to me being hurt. So why did I think that I should waver from my no relationship rule? Why did I think that something would be different? I think that I should just go smash a bottle and gouge my heart out. That might hurt less. The world should just wait until I snap and lose it. There's way to much built up inside me for that to be a small, uneventful outburst. If I'm going down, I'm taking everyone with me.
So I managed to let out some stuff from my childhood. And of course, that just led to me getting upset when that seemed to be thrown back in my face. I can't really explain anymore without getting into another persons business, but ytou know what? Fine, your life was worse. You win. But why would you shrug me off when I'm baring my soul? That's the stuff in my life that made me who I am. I can't change it. And I wouldn't have wanted things to be any worse. So what if I wasn't living on the streets or prostituting myself at like 12 or wasn't heavily into drugs or any number of situaions that could have been worse. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with every day. These are my issues with commitment, with trust, with getting close to anyone, ever. This is why I run when I should stay, why I hurt people before they hurt me.
But I think I've spent enought time caring.
I know I've spent enough time hurting.
And I think I may just need to run, to bleed, and then to take down a whole bunch of mother fuckers before I go down for good.
I may not get to see my brother. Why the fuck did I spend that money, trusting that I would get that other sum. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Reason number five hundred that I will never trust again. If I don't have the cash, I can't take him out. And if I can't take him anywhere but the park, then there's no way my mom will let me see him. If I lose him then I'll have absolutely nobody. Fuck that. I don't care if I have to pull a smash and grab or some stupid shit like that to get the money, I'm going to do it. Because I don't want to be completely alone. The second that happens, then I'm fucking out of here. I'm hitching somewhere, or just running until I can't run anymore. Fuck your worlds, fuck your rules. Fuck you all.
Man I need some drugs.
I need to drown out the thoughts in my head.
So I managed to let out some stuff from my childhood. And of course, that just led to me getting upset when that seemed to be thrown back in my face. I can't really explain anymore without getting into another persons business, but ytou know what? Fine, your life was worse. You win. But why would you shrug me off when I'm baring my soul? That's the stuff in my life that made me who I am. I can't change it. And I wouldn't have wanted things to be any worse. So what if I wasn't living on the streets or prostituting myself at like 12 or wasn't heavily into drugs or any number of situaions that could have been worse. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with every day. These are my issues with commitment, with trust, with getting close to anyone, ever. This is why I run when I should stay, why I hurt people before they hurt me.
But I think I've spent enought time caring.
I know I've spent enough time hurting.
And I think I may just need to run, to bleed, and then to take down a whole bunch of mother fuckers before I go down for good.
I may not get to see my brother. Why the fuck did I spend that money, trusting that I would get that other sum. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Reason number five hundred that I will never trust again. If I don't have the cash, I can't take him out. And if I can't take him anywhere but the park, then there's no way my mom will let me see him. If I lose him then I'll have absolutely nobody. Fuck that. I don't care if I have to pull a smash and grab or some stupid shit like that to get the money, I'm going to do it. Because I don't want to be completely alone. The second that happens, then I'm fucking out of here. I'm hitching somewhere, or just running until I can't run anymore. Fuck your worlds, fuck your rules. Fuck you all.
Man I need some drugs.
I need to drown out the thoughts in my head.