where's my gut feeling?
I am so utterly nervous right now. In three hours I will be going on a date with such a random guy. He's much older than me. He's good looking, makes good money and is very melow. I don't know what to do about this situation. I am excited but really anxious about this date. Perhaps it's the wrong thing to do...or maybe it's exactly what I need? NO CLUE. I guess I have mixed feelings about this date because:
1. I love Jeudiel like no one I have ever loved. It's dangerous and passionate and exxxxtremely sexy. He lights my fire like no other.
2. Even though I love Diel, I've been having these dreams about his cousin, Antonio Romero (who I did have an "encounter" with)...and I can't seem to get him out of my head. He is gorgeous and very mysterious. He drives me bonkers. I just don't get him...which makes me want to know more. I'm a curious kinda girl. ;)
3. JOSHUA MILLER. Enough said.
I am so confused. SO tied up in emotions. I don't know which way is the right way.
Last night Joshua and I got into a huge fight. HUGE. We yelled at each other about the craziest things. He said some really really mean stuff to me. A lot of the things he said we true, but cut me down to the core. He said I was a homewrecker and that I was rude and that we shouldn't even be fighting because...GUESS WHAT? WE'RE NOT DATING!!!
OMG. I hung up the phone after that one. He called me back and tried to apologize. At this point, I was beyond tears. I was blubbering and screaming all at the same time. I told him that although what he was saying had some truth to it, that I AM NOT A BAD PERSON...and that if anything he should be kinder and more understanding considering HE CHEATED ON ME AND BROKE MY HEART...and because I was his shoulder to cry on when his stupid girlfriend dumped his ass.
This conversation almost broke our friendship...but then he called again and apologized and took back a lot of what he had said. He made me feel better and told me that we should stop being mad at each other all the time and try to work this stuff out between us.
The problem is that we both have feelings for each other, but we don't know what to do about it. I think we both realize that while we may have these feelings, we aren't truley meant to be. If we were, then we'd be together. I wouldn't still be pining after Diel and he wouldn't be so...well, WEIRD.
I will always care about Joshua, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I dont feel the type of connection that tells me: PASSION, LOVE, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN.
I'm not fucking around anymore. I don't need this crap. I want a real man. A man who will make me feel like the sexiest woman ever and also take care of me. A man who will let me take care of him in return. Someone with drive, charisma...desire to be a better person.
Perhaps Craig is all of these things. I somehow doubt it though. How can a man almost twice my age...be the one? This has GOLD DIGGER written all over it. I hope people don't think that about me. The last thing I am is a fucking gold digger. I mean, come on...
WOULD I HAVE EVER EVEN CONSIDERED DIEL IF I WAS DIGGING? God no. The man is borderline poor.
and yet...so PERFECTION.
1. I love Jeudiel like no one I have ever loved. It's dangerous and passionate and exxxxtremely sexy. He lights my fire like no other.
2. Even though I love Diel, I've been having these dreams about his cousin, Antonio Romero (who I did have an "encounter" with)...and I can't seem to get him out of my head. He is gorgeous and very mysterious. He drives me bonkers. I just don't get him...which makes me want to know more. I'm a curious kinda girl. ;)
3. JOSHUA MILLER. Enough said.
I am so confused. SO tied up in emotions. I don't know which way is the right way.
Last night Joshua and I got into a huge fight. HUGE. We yelled at each other about the craziest things. He said some really really mean stuff to me. A lot of the things he said we true, but cut me down to the core. He said I was a homewrecker and that I was rude and that we shouldn't even be fighting because...GUESS WHAT? WE'RE NOT DATING!!!
OMG. I hung up the phone after that one. He called me back and tried to apologize. At this point, I was beyond tears. I was blubbering and screaming all at the same time. I told him that although what he was saying had some truth to it, that I AM NOT A BAD PERSON...and that if anything he should be kinder and more understanding considering HE CHEATED ON ME AND BROKE MY HEART...and because I was his shoulder to cry on when his stupid girlfriend dumped his ass.
This conversation almost broke our friendship...but then he called again and apologized and took back a lot of what he had said. He made me feel better and told me that we should stop being mad at each other all the time and try to work this stuff out between us.
The problem is that we both have feelings for each other, but we don't know what to do about it. I think we both realize that while we may have these feelings, we aren't truley meant to be. If we were, then we'd be together. I wouldn't still be pining after Diel and he wouldn't be so...well, WEIRD.
I will always care about Joshua, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I dont feel the type of connection that tells me: PASSION, LOVE, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN.
I'm not fucking around anymore. I don't need this crap. I want a real man. A man who will make me feel like the sexiest woman ever and also take care of me. A man who will let me take care of him in return. Someone with drive, charisma...desire to be a better person.
Perhaps Craig is all of these things. I somehow doubt it though. How can a man almost twice my age...be the one? This has GOLD DIGGER written all over it. I hope people don't think that about me. The last thing I am is a fucking gold digger. I mean, come on...
WOULD I HAVE EVER EVEN CONSIDERED DIEL IF I WAS DIGGING? God no. The man is borderline poor.
and yet...so PERFECTION.