down down baby...
I've got a million and a half things running through my head right now... I've been sad for a few days I chalk it up to changing my sleep schedule and not having my birth control to regulate my hormones... but I've been very sad, emotional and all kinds of shit... I just want to put on paper (or in writing really) what's on my mind, helps me clear it and clean out my head...
I like my new job, but there's not a lot of interaction with my coworkers... I sit there my whole shift, begging for answers to the questions I have... maybe talking to someone for 10-20 mins while on break or when it's slow... but a lot of the guys there are old and/or have no interest in holding a conversation... it's nice to help people, but the big difference in it and the customer service I've done in the past is every customer is upset or mad when they call... so yeah it eats at you a bit, some days it feels like I'm begging for one normal customer, I know at suncoast you looked forward to the regulars and the interesting, but there are no regulars (at least that you want to talk to) with the tech support, random person number 2349784 may be the lady that doesn't know what the address bar is, or she may be the guy that just needs the pop server addy... it's crazy, it's completely random... I do like it, it's worth the pay, but I'm down right now so everything sucks
I feel like my apartment is dirty but I really don't feel like cleaning it... I need to do the dishes cause I told randy I would if he did the cats and guinea pigs... but the chairs in the living room need moved, the kitchen needs swept and mopped, the upstairs bathroom needs cleaned, all the trash needs taken out, the bedroom needs the clothes put aways and dirty ones in a basket, the computer room needs to be finished (I started it one day, but randy was sitting there playing a game and I lost interest after an hour or two) and the living room needs cleaned some... I really would offer free board and stuff to anyone who'd clean my apt... it's gotten crazy, I can't keep up with it... and it's about time to clean the animals again...
I need to get in shape, yes I'd like to lose weight, but I more want to be able to run up and down the stairs with out feeling out of breath... I thought about working out today, but it didn't happen, when I talk about it with randy as to whether or not I should loose weight or exercise he just tells me to do what'll make me happy... I don't know about paying for a gym, but I don't think I could do it at home... well not at the apt... I want randy to play ddr with me, or go out jogging or something, but he's happy with sitting on his ass every non-working moment... it's discouraging...
I feel like I can't talk to anyone, not even rachel because she's having a hard time and doesn't have time for anything but school, plus I'm "doing well" which makes me feel bad... I want to be supportive of her and comfort her with her problems (which rachel's like randy and doesn't share a lot of her problems) but I also want to talk about my problems with someone... and feel like my problems are nothing compared to some of the stuff she's got going on and it sucks... plus with her being so busy and stuff it sucks... I really miss j-mall where we talked about stuff... we shared our problems and stuff when we had them, but green tree wasn't like that deanna didn't talk about her problems and elysia's were all about her and her boyfriend and either not having enough money (and how they were going to a concert out of town next week... wonder where the money went...) or some issue with her boyfriend that isn't something I see in a healthy relationship, but to be honest to her at work made for shitty work days with childish tantrums... yeah J-mall was better, and I think I would have been more upset about the stores closing if I was still at that store... the friends that I left behind :( when I left that mall mean more to me... and I still miss them...
I feel like I have no money, yeah I'm making more, but I added a bit to my credit cards right as I was changing jobs because I knew I'd have it (I went a bit over board...) and then my alternator went out so now it feels like all my credit cards are maxed out... I know I'll be ok, but if we do ever get a house I have to have these paid down and I want to look for a house soon... so I'm putting stress on myself about it... it sucks... but of all my worries it's the least... lol
My relationship with randy sucks... we have a great relationship as far as most aspects go, but I just watched, well, we (he was sorta working on his paper at the same time) watched the break-up and I had wanted to see it because all the "fights" in the ads hit home as far as what we argued about when we do fight... but the movie did not end the way I hoped and with the similarities to our relationship I don't like it... yeah randy's not all loud like vince vaughn but all the reasons they broke up are all the things that I dislike about our relationship... and it comes down to... me... some times I wish I was single, why I'm not sure, maybe because the ego boost that comes with being desired (which taken people aren't as desirable) but really a lot of time I wonder if I'll be happy with our relationship in 10-20 years... will I still be happy with this motherly harping I do, the being the bossy one that makes sure things get done... I like to be in charge, but I don't like this... sometimes I wonder if I really love him or if I'm just comfortable... I know I always liked that he made me laugh, but he doesn't crack jokes like he used to... and as long as we've been together I feel like he hasn't opened up to me, all his things are his, his computer, his troubles... I get what I ask about... I also wonder on his end, if maybe deep down he doesn't want to be in this relationship... I know it seems insane but it's like he doesn't want to get married... in the last year he's spend 3000 on a pc, over 500 on swords we spend 1500 on botcon and tons on toys and video games and the like, but I showed him a 300 dollar engagement ring I liked and he said it was expensive... while I want to believe that's just him trying to keep it a secret that he'll propose soon, every time in the past that I've thought that it didn't happen... I'm tired of being disappointed... sometimes I feel like I'm still here with him because I want my life to progress and I hate to think I've spent 4 years on a relationship just to go back to the beginning... I feel emotionally drained lately, I feel like we don't touch anymore unless it's sex or saying goodbye... today after I got a shower I left my hair down (which you know me you know I never do) and ran the blow dryer over it to make it look alright... and randy barely looked at me... i'm just upset... it sucks...
well I've wrote a book... I did this a bit out of order, wrote what "topic" I wanted to write about then went back in and filled them in (starting with the last cause it was heaviest on me) and now I'm not crying anymore and I'm tired and i've went through this whole album and then some so I'm done... P&L later
I like my new job, but there's not a lot of interaction with my coworkers... I sit there my whole shift, begging for answers to the questions I have... maybe talking to someone for 10-20 mins while on break or when it's slow... but a lot of the guys there are old and/or have no interest in holding a conversation... it's nice to help people, but the big difference in it and the customer service I've done in the past is every customer is upset or mad when they call... so yeah it eats at you a bit, some days it feels like I'm begging for one normal customer, I know at suncoast you looked forward to the regulars and the interesting, but there are no regulars (at least that you want to talk to) with the tech support, random person number 2349784 may be the lady that doesn't know what the address bar is, or she may be the guy that just needs the pop server addy... it's crazy, it's completely random... I do like it, it's worth the pay, but I'm down right now so everything sucks
I feel like my apartment is dirty but I really don't feel like cleaning it... I need to do the dishes cause I told randy I would if he did the cats and guinea pigs... but the chairs in the living room need moved, the kitchen needs swept and mopped, the upstairs bathroom needs cleaned, all the trash needs taken out, the bedroom needs the clothes put aways and dirty ones in a basket, the computer room needs to be finished (I started it one day, but randy was sitting there playing a game and I lost interest after an hour or two) and the living room needs cleaned some... I really would offer free board and stuff to anyone who'd clean my apt... it's gotten crazy, I can't keep up with it... and it's about time to clean the animals again...
I need to get in shape, yes I'd like to lose weight, but I more want to be able to run up and down the stairs with out feeling out of breath... I thought about working out today, but it didn't happen, when I talk about it with randy as to whether or not I should loose weight or exercise he just tells me to do what'll make me happy... I don't know about paying for a gym, but I don't think I could do it at home... well not at the apt... I want randy to play ddr with me, or go out jogging or something, but he's happy with sitting on his ass every non-working moment... it's discouraging...
I feel like I can't talk to anyone, not even rachel because she's having a hard time and doesn't have time for anything but school, plus I'm "doing well" which makes me feel bad... I want to be supportive of her and comfort her with her problems (which rachel's like randy and doesn't share a lot of her problems) but I also want to talk about my problems with someone... and feel like my problems are nothing compared to some of the stuff she's got going on and it sucks... plus with her being so busy and stuff it sucks... I really miss j-mall where we talked about stuff... we shared our problems and stuff when we had them, but green tree wasn't like that deanna didn't talk about her problems and elysia's were all about her and her boyfriend and either not having enough money (and how they were going to a concert out of town next week... wonder where the money went...) or some issue with her boyfriend that isn't something I see in a healthy relationship, but to be honest to her at work made for shitty work days with childish tantrums... yeah J-mall was better, and I think I would have been more upset about the stores closing if I was still at that store... the friends that I left behind :( when I left that mall mean more to me... and I still miss them...
I feel like I have no money, yeah I'm making more, but I added a bit to my credit cards right as I was changing jobs because I knew I'd have it (I went a bit over board...) and then my alternator went out so now it feels like all my credit cards are maxed out... I know I'll be ok, but if we do ever get a house I have to have these paid down and I want to look for a house soon... so I'm putting stress on myself about it... it sucks... but of all my worries it's the least... lol
My relationship with randy sucks... we have a great relationship as far as most aspects go, but I just watched, well, we (he was sorta working on his paper at the same time) watched the break-up and I had wanted to see it because all the "fights" in the ads hit home as far as what we argued about when we do fight... but the movie did not end the way I hoped and with the similarities to our relationship I don't like it... yeah randy's not all loud like vince vaughn but all the reasons they broke up are all the things that I dislike about our relationship... and it comes down to... me... some times I wish I was single, why I'm not sure, maybe because the ego boost that comes with being desired (which taken people aren't as desirable) but really a lot of time I wonder if I'll be happy with our relationship in 10-20 years... will I still be happy with this motherly harping I do, the being the bossy one that makes sure things get done... I like to be in charge, but I don't like this... sometimes I wonder if I really love him or if I'm just comfortable... I know I always liked that he made me laugh, but he doesn't crack jokes like he used to... and as long as we've been together I feel like he hasn't opened up to me, all his things are his, his computer, his troubles... I get what I ask about... I also wonder on his end, if maybe deep down he doesn't want to be in this relationship... I know it seems insane but it's like he doesn't want to get married... in the last year he's spend 3000 on a pc, over 500 on swords we spend 1500 on botcon and tons on toys and video games and the like, but I showed him a 300 dollar engagement ring I liked and he said it was expensive... while I want to believe that's just him trying to keep it a secret that he'll propose soon, every time in the past that I've thought that it didn't happen... I'm tired of being disappointed... sometimes I feel like I'm still here with him because I want my life to progress and I hate to think I've spent 4 years on a relationship just to go back to the beginning... I feel emotionally drained lately, I feel like we don't touch anymore unless it's sex or saying goodbye... today after I got a shower I left my hair down (which you know me you know I never do) and ran the blow dryer over it to make it look alright... and randy barely looked at me... i'm just upset... it sucks...
well I've wrote a book... I did this a bit out of order, wrote what "topic" I wanted to write about then went back in and filled them in (starting with the last cause it was heaviest on me) and now I'm not crying anymore and I'm tired and i've went through this whole album and then some so I'm done... P&L later