Why I Think It's Not Okay
Recently on twitter, Flye brought up the subject of casual references to obesity, and people being fat, when used as the subject of a humour anecdote, or comment.
Much of the response to that tweet revolved around that it was "just a joke", "not to take it seriously", the most important thing being that it was "ok, because it wasn't intended to be offensive".
The trouble with that logic, for me, is that it just completely dismisses the idea of empathy and sympathy. The idea that if people have their feelings hurt by something you have said, which -you- don't think is offensive, then the problem lies with them. Sure, maybe you have built up a resilient defense, have no self-confidence or social anxiety issues, and everything that anyone could say to you is water off a duck's back. But here's the important thing:
Not everybody is like that.
I'm a sensitive person in general, I take comments to heart, and I overanalyse them to death. That is a part of my personality. When someone tells me I'm scrawny, I am reminded of the 5 or 6 years of effort I put into going to the gym, with little to no results. It brings back memories of personal failures, or my inability to keep motivated. I struggle with body issues as well, and all the time I spend telling myself in front of the mirror, or being told by other people, that I am attractive gets stripped away in an instance by one careless comment.
That's how I, and a lot of people I know, work. One negative remark has the power to wash away a thousand compliments... at least for a time.
What about the use of the word 'Gay', in a joking manner, which was also brought up. Again, it is argued, it's all about intent, surely. And, yeah, that's probably true if I know you, and I'm comfortable with you, heck, I use it myself (I probably shouldn't, but at least it feels like I'm in control of its meaning and connotations when I do).
But the real bother is, what if I don't know you?
Here's what happens when somebody I don't know very well uses the word gay in derogatory manner. First, I feel self-conscious, I'll probably avert my eyes, and smile nervously trying not to make it too obvious that I'm uncomfortable. I've been sharply reminded that there is a divide, I am a homosexual, they (in all likelihood) are not. We are not in a society where gay marriage is recognized, where there is equality, where I can feel comfortable even holding hands with my boyfriend in the street, let alone giving him a kiss. The word gay, used in that sense, is a reminder that I am different, and, in truth, am treated as such.
And it makes me feel bad, sometimes, depending on my mood, or how resilient I am at that moment, it makes me feel fucking awful.
So what does all this come down to:
You may disagree with me. What does that mean? It means that -you- are not offended, by those words. Therefore, I shouldn't be. But, just like telling someone with depression to "Cheer up", or someone with anxiety to "Calm down", it's not very helpful. Or empathetic. Or hell, even sympathetic.
People -are- offended by these things being said, and they always will be.
So its your choice, if you're willing to hurt the feelings of people you probably care about a great deal, or even those you don't, in order to defend your God-given right to call things gay and laugh at fat people.
Much of the response to that tweet revolved around that it was "just a joke", "not to take it seriously", the most important thing being that it was "ok, because it wasn't intended to be offensive".
The trouble with that logic, for me, is that it just completely dismisses the idea of empathy and sympathy. The idea that if people have their feelings hurt by something you have said, which -you- don't think is offensive, then the problem lies with them. Sure, maybe you have built up a resilient defense, have no self-confidence or social anxiety issues, and everything that anyone could say to you is water off a duck's back. But here's the important thing:
Not everybody is like that.
I'm a sensitive person in general, I take comments to heart, and I overanalyse them to death. That is a part of my personality. When someone tells me I'm scrawny, I am reminded of the 5 or 6 years of effort I put into going to the gym, with little to no results. It brings back memories of personal failures, or my inability to keep motivated. I struggle with body issues as well, and all the time I spend telling myself in front of the mirror, or being told by other people, that I am attractive gets stripped away in an instance by one careless comment.
That's how I, and a lot of people I know, work. One negative remark has the power to wash away a thousand compliments... at least for a time.
What about the use of the word 'Gay', in a joking manner, which was also brought up. Again, it is argued, it's all about intent, surely. And, yeah, that's probably true if I know you, and I'm comfortable with you, heck, I use it myself (I probably shouldn't, but at least it feels like I'm in control of its meaning and connotations when I do).
But the real bother is, what if I don't know you?
Here's what happens when somebody I don't know very well uses the word gay in derogatory manner. First, I feel self-conscious, I'll probably avert my eyes, and smile nervously trying not to make it too obvious that I'm uncomfortable. I've been sharply reminded that there is a divide, I am a homosexual, they (in all likelihood) are not. We are not in a society where gay marriage is recognized, where there is equality, where I can feel comfortable even holding hands with my boyfriend in the street, let alone giving him a kiss. The word gay, used in that sense, is a reminder that I am different, and, in truth, am treated as such.
And it makes me feel bad, sometimes, depending on my mood, or how resilient I am at that moment, it makes me feel fucking awful.
So what does all this come down to:
You may disagree with me. What does that mean? It means that -you- are not offended, by those words. Therefore, I shouldn't be. But, just like telling someone with depression to "Cheer up", or someone with anxiety to "Calm down", it's not very helpful. Or empathetic. Or hell, even sympathetic.
People -are- offended by these things being said, and they always will be.
So its your choice, if you're willing to hurt the feelings of people you probably care about a great deal, or even those you don't, in order to defend your God-given right to call things gay and laugh at fat people.