so sad...
It's so frustrating. I broke up with him, so why am I the one who feels so rejected? Oh yea, because I broke up with him because he kept showing me how much he no longer loved me. I guess it doesn't matter that I was the dumper, the fact is, I still love him and he doesn't love me, and that hurts no matter how you put it. I keep TRYING to be logical with myself. How can I love someone who thinks so low of me? How can I love someone who I hate? Maybe I don't love him, maybe I'm just used to him, comfortable with him. And, YES, I did the right thing breaking up with him, because if I continued to let it coast, it would've exploded in my face. I have to keep reminding myself that I made the right decision. I just hate that he's SOO fucking content with my decision, didn't even blink an eye. This breakup thing is so confusing. I mean, if I think about it, I don't WANT Franklyn back, I've been wanting to dump him for SOO long, but I was so scared to let go. Now I finally let go, and now that it's official and he has a new girl (ALREADY!!!) it just hurts way more than I could imagine. I moved out, thinking it would either save our relationship or soften the blow..it did neither. I'm at such a loss. If it weren't for the waves of occasional happiness, I might just give up. It hurts so much, and I don't know if it hurts because my self esteem is shot, or if it hurts because I did the wrong thing. I can't take it anymore, I feel so helpless and confused. Six years of my life with him are gone and I feel like they mean nothing. What did I gain out of this? I try to think "well it's ok, he was just your starter bf" I just feel like such a failure. I tried so hard to make the relationship work. I guess that's what sucks so much. Franklyn would've kept on coasting with me as long as I was putting in effort. I did the right thing breaking up with him didn't I? I owe it to myself to be with someone who actually WANTS to be with me, right? Not someone who's just with me because it's convenient and already established, right? How could he replace me already? I feel SO used. In the beginning I really tried to make myself feel better by thinking he could never find someone as good to him as I was...but apparently I was wrong. Seriously, we were together for SIX years. One month after I break up with him, he meets a girl on myspace, and they're already hanging out at each other's places and talking on the phone constantly. Like fuck, thanks for getting over me so fast. I mean, I wanna be like "oh whatever, she's just a rebound.." but if she is then why do I feel so bad? And what the hell kind of girl is she? Who goes after a guy who she knows has been single for ONLY a month out of a SIX year relationship. WTF?! She HAS to know she's a rebound. And yes, I'm REALLY pissed that the two of them are bonding over Jack. OUR cat! I know that's silly, but god, Jack was OUR baby, and now he's using him to bond with chicks..fuck it makes me mad! and sad...and...oh god, does the pain ever go away permanently? I'm just so lonely and confused and frustrated. The only thing that helps is focusing on myself and nothing else, but it's hard. I keep thinking about him... I don't know what to do anymore.