[i felt like sharing this.]
you're tearing me apart!
so today, had it's ups and downs just like every single day has been going. and i don't know. i'm really sick of this whole ups and downs thing. =/ and now. i'm in a "high" mood.
okay. "rant time"
i want a guy, who's gona be here for me. a guy who won't push me away, a guy that's gona feel comfortable talking to me. somebody who i will be here for. somebody who i can talk to, somebody i can trust. a guy i can fall asleep thinking about. who would buy me flowers for no reason. a guy who i actually want to be around. somebody who's going to make me feel my best all day long. and when i'm mad know how to make me smile and get me cheered up. a guy who doesn't care who i am or what i look like. a guy who accepts me for who i am. a guy who won't turn his back on me. a guy who wants a seriously relationship. a guy who will carry on a conversation with me. a guy i won't get sick of. a guy who i'm gona wana be with all the time. JUST A GUY WHO I CAN BE COMFORTABLE WITH! i don't know i guess it's too hard, and maybe i'll search my whole life for a guy like that. but seems that every guy i come across is too good a friend, or we go out and become too good of friends to carry anything further, or just turns out to be a complete asshole and doens't wana talk to me at all. i don't know i just want a sweet, caring guy. is there not a guy out there that's like that?! surely seems not. i mean, i don't think i'm that bad of a person for every guy i come across to just not be willing. you know? i don't know i guess it's too much to ask for. and i should just be happy with what i have. =/ [ps i want a guy who's gona go to bingo with me!=D]
"too much of the same stories in our lives. i think it's time for change, don't you?"
can't something exciting happen to me? once at least? cause this is not happy. i'm sick of the same thing everyday. i'm sick of people pissing me off. i'm sick of not having somebody. i'm just incredibly sick of this state of New York, with it's snow and nasty people.
-and i really hope that you find somebody new, somebody better than me. cause i'm sick of you being there, while i'm here waiting for you, when you have no one, and i shouldn't be waiting for you at all. i wish you weren't worth the wait, because i would be long gone if you weren't. but please, just find somebody better, soon. so i can stop whining over you, and stop wishing you weren't tearing me apart. it will help me out a lot. not that it matters to you anyways.-
and to you - [you're gona know who you are.] i want you to stop, just stop everything that you're doing to argue with me. and i know you're trying to help it. but whatever it is, it's not working. and it's pissing me off. cause it seems when i'm in a good mood, you find a way to bring me down. and i can't take it anymore. so we just need to stop our arguing. i do like you. and i do care about you. but this has gone a little bit to far. and it had to get out somehow. but i just can't take it. so something needs to be done.
let me be your hand to hold, cause mine's getting cold.
i miss the touch of somebodies hand. i miss the touch of somebodies lips. i miss the whisper of "i love you." i miss the way it felt being held. i miss cuddling. i miss it, i miss it all.
-somebody save me. from the person i am becoming. don't you want me to be better? don't you want me to be me again? i can't do this without your help. so come to me now.
i don't know. other than this. i'm not okay. and i'm not sharing anything. i'm done telling people things. i can't trust anybody anymore. and i wish i could. but everything that's happend with me, in my past, everything that's happening to me now. i can't trust anybody. and it sucks, cause isn't everybody supposed to have somebody? and i had somebody. i had "somebodies" but i lost everybody that i once ever had to my lack of trust. and it may not be you. it's just i'm going to be very hard on this trusting thing from now on. not that i did trust a lot of people to begin with. but now you're going to find it to be a lot harder for you to gain my trust, to even get my trust back. because if you had my trust, you lost it. and once again, it may not be you at all. it's me. but then again, it could be you and the way you've been.
you have become the color and beauty in this black and white world.
i won't be brought down to your level. you want me. you can have me [exactly] the way i am. i'm not going to change for anyone. if you don't know me well enough, you never deserved me in the first place. kind of like i never desereved him.or maybe exactly like that. and just to think -i love him- why is it that when i said forever to him, i meant it? why couldn't it have been lust? why couldn't he have accepted me? why does he have this power for when i think of him i get so heart broken that i can feel my heart breaking with every beat? why is it that i can't even do anything about this feeling, and neither can he, cause he is completely blind to what is right in front of his face. and i was once a happy child? and i could think of him while i went to bed with a smile on my face? that i sleep with the Elmo he gave me and i could practically cry myself to sleep just thinking about the way i was happy? cause i love him better than that? cause he was my first real true love that only lasted one day short of a month? people may say that that can't be. that you can't have love within the first month. i am going to haveto differ with you. because this boy makes me weak. and he still does almost 5 months later [on the 18th it'll be 5 months later.] and why i remember this? because this is what he has the power to do to me. he probably doesn't even remember the 19th. he doesn't remember that he once said it was the happiest day of his life, or that he loved me. or all those times we spent together. [that one night. and the other night in the rain] the movies, just everything. all these memories of him. that i can't get out of my head. i adore Elmo so much more because of him. i cherish that stuffed Elmo because it brings me back to the most happiest times of my life. when i was with him. it makes everybody else seem as thin as paper, nobody else has that power to make me happy. to make me smile that smile. to have that sparkle in my eye. to have my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. to say i have got to the end of my road. to not be broken. to have been fixed through all the other breakups. to be put together. to have that power to make me melt. -and now he takes it all back.- and that all right there, makes me realize i'm not happy. that i could be so much more happier if i could just have him in my life right now, and not even as a lover, just as a friend i would be perfectly content with. he makes me smile through anything. and i would give EVERYTHING to have that back. and all this should be just a perfectly good reason to be able to say hi. but no. because everything would completely come crashing down if he didn't wana talk to me ever again. and i like the happy memories, and i don't want anymore sad memories to add onto anything. because i said i'd love him forever, and i meant that. weither he knows it or not. it's true, and i'll always be here for him. but he'll never know. because i don't want him to know, i don't want to push him away anymore.