Recharge
Today was a very trying day. Mondays are always draining because they mean a three hour seminar in the morning and a three hour seminar in the afternoon, both of which have v tough long level 4000 readings to prep for and oftentimes the lunch hour in between is spent doing readings and not eating so it's really an intense 10am-5pm period. But today was exceptional because I had a Philo of Mind presentation on Ned Block in the morning and Philo of Aesthetics presentation on Foucault in the afternoon, which happily blazed my entire weekend. And my prof had warned us earlier to always get adequate sleep before presentations so we'd be sharp and not defensive during Q&As, but I'd drifted in and out of sleep between 2-6am before getting up and wondering how the hell I'd survive this.
It was one of those days which you've marked on the calendar as a protracted battle, hoping to God that you'd be all prepped up and raring to go and conquer everything in the morning. And I felt woefully underprepared. I guess nobody ever feels prepared for all the anticipated big things (esp milestone moments!) in life. Nobody ever feels prepared to go to war, or buy a house, or get married, to fall ill, to run the race of your life, to confess to your love, to be a parent, to join a religion, to fend for yourself overseas, to catch yourself suddenly missing someone terribly, to react to unexpected emergencies and so on. You just learn to tell yourself not to freeze, to keep going, to know your strengths and do what you can. Don't think about how your knees will cave when you want to hit the ground running.
Anyway, sometimes it's a good thing when you have noone to complain to. Then you don't dwell on how much you want to burrow back into your bed and hide from your battles. Then you don't feel the need to pick apart things that don't need to be picked apart, and instead focus on being strong enough to handle them, open your eyes to see things as they are and learn your lessons. Which is not to say that I want to be alone all the time haha. Just that sometimes it's easier to be strong when you're alone, and I need to be strong now.
Here are a few fortifying things from today:
1. this rad Philo teacher who is a god in his own right because he's incredibly smart and humble and kind called me a future doctor when asking us up to the front of the class to present. I was so shocked I shushed him hahaha. Let me qualify this: I'm always surprised whenever profs actually remember my name, let alone a God like prof, and let alone any other details about me. It's like visiting the Queen and she greets you on her own accord, without prompts from anybody. He'd said it jokingly because I'd emailed him about missing class to take the MCAT. Thing is, my classmates don't know, and I'd rather things stayed that way. Luckily he took it good naturedly and wasn't offended by my impertinence haha why do I do these things. But anw that left me with a little glow throughout the day. It's astonishing how something becomes so much bigger and realer when it's no longer your own little voice reminding yourself how much you want it, but someone else's. Other people's voices are magical like that. They reify wishes and validate ideas, and without them I wouldn't really go to the extent of saying my dreams will be tenuous wisps, but your voice gets tired being the only one saying the same thing again and again. Now I feel a little more alive. :)
one of my favorite things about uni: you meet people who are so different from you, and yet they're so magnetic you know you want to be like them even though you don't know how.
2. slooow cereal and coffee bfast. Few breakfasts top cereal and coffee. Unless it's cereal and cake and chocolate and coffee. <3
3. the best presentation partner who took on the most tedious parts of the presentation despite being a year 3 student, prettified and printed our handouts on the condition I drew the external connections between our article and other articles in the same field, and the internal connections that tied the argument together. He charmed the audience and made them laugh and all I had to do was present my sections without sounding like a strangled chicken haha.
4. all the kind souls who wished me luck :')
And for now, this quote articulates the rest of the day perfectly.
"Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers."-- Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
It was one of those days which you've marked on the calendar as a protracted battle, hoping to God that you'd be all prepped up and raring to go and conquer everything in the morning. And I felt woefully underprepared. I guess nobody ever feels prepared for all the anticipated big things (esp milestone moments!) in life. Nobody ever feels prepared to go to war, or buy a house, or get married, to fall ill, to run the race of your life, to confess to your love, to be a parent, to join a religion, to fend for yourself overseas, to catch yourself suddenly missing someone terribly, to react to unexpected emergencies and so on. You just learn to tell yourself not to freeze, to keep going, to know your strengths and do what you can. Don't think about how your knees will cave when you want to hit the ground running.
Anyway, sometimes it's a good thing when you have noone to complain to. Then you don't dwell on how much you want to burrow back into your bed and hide from your battles. Then you don't feel the need to pick apart things that don't need to be picked apart, and instead focus on being strong enough to handle them, open your eyes to see things as they are and learn your lessons. Which is not to say that I want to be alone all the time haha. Just that sometimes it's easier to be strong when you're alone, and I need to be strong now.
Here are a few fortifying things from today:
1. this rad Philo teacher who is a god in his own right because he's incredibly smart and humble and kind called me a future doctor when asking us up to the front of the class to present. I was so shocked I shushed him hahaha. Let me qualify this: I'm always surprised whenever profs actually remember my name, let alone a God like prof, and let alone any other details about me. It's like visiting the Queen and she greets you on her own accord, without prompts from anybody. He'd said it jokingly because I'd emailed him about missing class to take the MCAT. Thing is, my classmates don't know, and I'd rather things stayed that way. Luckily he took it good naturedly and wasn't offended by my impertinence haha why do I do these things. But anw that left me with a little glow throughout the day. It's astonishing how something becomes so much bigger and realer when it's no longer your own little voice reminding yourself how much you want it, but someone else's. Other people's voices are magical like that. They reify wishes and validate ideas, and without them I wouldn't really go to the extent of saying my dreams will be tenuous wisps, but your voice gets tired being the only one saying the same thing again and again. Now I feel a little more alive. :)
one of my favorite things about uni: you meet people who are so different from you, and yet they're so magnetic you know you want to be like them even though you don't know how.
2. slooow cereal and coffee bfast. Few breakfasts top cereal and coffee. Unless it's cereal and cake and chocolate and coffee. <3
3. the best presentation partner who took on the most tedious parts of the presentation despite being a year 3 student, prettified and printed our handouts on the condition I drew the external connections between our article and other articles in the same field, and the internal connections that tied the argument together. He charmed the audience and made them laugh and all I had to do was present my sections without sounding like a strangled chicken haha.
4. all the kind souls who wished me luck :')
And for now, this quote articulates the rest of the day perfectly.
"Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers."-- Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak