In the canyon
I can only hear my own replies, no new information seeps in and my own perspectives become exaggerated. I can see how scary the outside world may have looked to someone, if they didn't know how, or couldn't listen or was on the look out for an attack.
Out of nowhere, the 15 year old me appeared today. While trying to say something nice to sister A, who had only recently and intermittently started to communicate with me again, I noticed several acquaintances she had online were people who had been mean to me in childhood. Before that, there were many years of silence between the two of us, for other reasons.
One of these people was almost solely responsible for ruining my fresh start in a new school system freshman year of high school. (I say almost, because it can't be ignored that even as a stupid middle school student, I was at least mostly responsible for my own choices and actions, at least in theory). Where no one had any reason yet to dislike me yet, this person went about gossiping and giving me a bad reputation, for no reason whatsoever. I had never done anything to this person, and had always thought they were friendly with me. When I confronted them, they looked at me coldly and told me they didn't care. I couldn't believe that out of nowhere, they could be so mean. Looking back on it, I was naive to the true nature of apathy. Or sociopath-y depending on how you look at it....
I had worked so hard to get away from the old issues, the unkindness, the isolation and was finally not overweight anymore. I had convinced my parents that it was a good idea to let me travel much further out of my way everyday to a school that would allow me to attend. People were being nice to me at this new school. I was pretty. That is really the only thing I can remember about this person, and many decades later, as much as I've grown and changed, and know that they have probably grown and changed too, I can't get past the judgement that they are just a shitty person, and I hope that my sister's friendship doesn't go further with them than online.
This side of me, reminds me of how powerless and victimized I felt as a child and really for many years up until the time that I moved away for school, on my own, alone in this city and finally began to know who I was, and how to live. No one's perceptions of me, good or bad, could make me feel locked into who I was. I could be whoever I wanted to be...
I have always tried to make a habit out of not socializing with people that were friends with individuals I consider to be bad news...This serves as a newsflash for me to slow down how fast I attempt to build relationships out of the desire for family closeness...