God Has No Shoes
I thought about it, and I realized that I haven't seen many people this summer. It's sad I suppose, that's my fault though, I push people away. And it makes me a product of my own making, which is also sad, too, I suppose. I half-heartedly wish my relationship with people would work out better, but it doesn't. I devoted a lot of my free time to Dana, Joanna and Lauren, and, heh, I've screwed myself over with that. Joanna's going away to college soon, and then that'll pretty much be the end of that friendship. I'm not saying that to be cynical, but it's not untrue. Joanna complains about just driving over to my place; I'd imagine living five hours would only make that worse and an even bigger strain.
I think by next year, I won't be living in the suburbs. My dad's made the decision that he hates it here, and that he wants to live in the city. So no matter the outcome, chances are, I won't be living here. Which is fine, I won't have any friends living here and that won't make things difficult.
A few weeks ago, I thought about it, and decided that my favorite kind of kisses are the soft one's.
I've done a few things lately that have made me feel disgusted with myself.
I've been keeping pretty busy. I came to the conclusion that where I work is an evil corporation, no better than Wal-Mart or Acme. I can't quit because I really need the money, but the next time I get a job, I'm going to avoid the huge corporations. I've never worked at a place so negative before, not even Acme. I don't see myself keeping the job for that incredibly long, this job focuses so much on the negative. One of the first things they tell you when you begin working there is what will get you fired. I imagine I won't live up to my quota or something along those lines.
I've been feeling melancholy and alone. I need a connection. It's hard having had one of the strongest connections I've ever had severed, when I told Lauren I didn't want anything to do with her. I don't regret saying that...but I wish it had never come down to the wire in the first place. I didn't see it coming. I had imagined we would have still been close friends even after high school would end. I think I get it from my mother to push people away with the first chance I get. I remembered today that once, when I was supposed to stay with my mother over the summer, when I was ten, I said something bad, and she called my dad as soon as possible to pick me up. I was supposed to stay with her for a month, maybe longer, and she couldn't even stand me two weeks.
Maybe, I push people away because I still have so much trouble accepting myself. How can I love others when I can't even love myself? It doesn't feel good having to avoid my own reflection because I feel so sickened with myself. I go days without looking at myself, turning away from a mirror, or looking down while washing my hands with soap so that I don't accidentally see myself. I still haven't gotten past the idea of how much I hate myself, despise even.
I pursue female figures because I want it so much from what I've missed during my childhood. The only time I've ever had a conversation with someone who wasn't a girl was when I had no other choice to but to talk to them. A lot of my connections have been powerful but short. It's not very difficult to realize that it's my fault, not the other way around. I accept it though, and I accept that I have this problem. It's not particularly nice, but you have to come to terms with it.
And I suppose what I really need is maybe someone as lonely. It's that overused phrase, "Misery Loves Company." Heh. What I'd really love is to be picked up by some pretty girl in her 20's in a cafe. How dumb of me. There's just something about that idea that kind of makes me happy. Making on of those instant connections with someone.
But right now I don't have much of anyone, and I can't even look at my own reflection
I think by next year, I won't be living in the suburbs. My dad's made the decision that he hates it here, and that he wants to live in the city. So no matter the outcome, chances are, I won't be living here. Which is fine, I won't have any friends living here and that won't make things difficult.
A few weeks ago, I thought about it, and decided that my favorite kind of kisses are the soft one's.
I've done a few things lately that have made me feel disgusted with myself.
I've been keeping pretty busy. I came to the conclusion that where I work is an evil corporation, no better than Wal-Mart or Acme. I can't quit because I really need the money, but the next time I get a job, I'm going to avoid the huge corporations. I've never worked at a place so negative before, not even Acme. I don't see myself keeping the job for that incredibly long, this job focuses so much on the negative. One of the first things they tell you when you begin working there is what will get you fired. I imagine I won't live up to my quota or something along those lines.
I've been feeling melancholy and alone. I need a connection. It's hard having had one of the strongest connections I've ever had severed, when I told Lauren I didn't want anything to do with her. I don't regret saying that...but I wish it had never come down to the wire in the first place. I didn't see it coming. I had imagined we would have still been close friends even after high school would end. I think I get it from my mother to push people away with the first chance I get. I remembered today that once, when I was supposed to stay with my mother over the summer, when I was ten, I said something bad, and she called my dad as soon as possible to pick me up. I was supposed to stay with her for a month, maybe longer, and she couldn't even stand me two weeks.
Maybe, I push people away because I still have so much trouble accepting myself. How can I love others when I can't even love myself? It doesn't feel good having to avoid my own reflection because I feel so sickened with myself. I go days without looking at myself, turning away from a mirror, or looking down while washing my hands with soap so that I don't accidentally see myself. I still haven't gotten past the idea of how much I hate myself, despise even.
I pursue female figures because I want it so much from what I've missed during my childhood. The only time I've ever had a conversation with someone who wasn't a girl was when I had no other choice to but to talk to them. A lot of my connections have been powerful but short. It's not very difficult to realize that it's my fault, not the other way around. I accept it though, and I accept that I have this problem. It's not particularly nice, but you have to come to terms with it.
And I suppose what I really need is maybe someone as lonely. It's that overused phrase, "Misery Loves Company." Heh. What I'd really love is to be picked up by some pretty girl in her 20's in a cafe. How dumb of me. There's just something about that idea that kind of makes me happy. Making on of those instant connections with someone.
But right now I don't have much of anyone, and I can't even look at my own reflection