At The Bottom Of Everything
I haven't written in this thing for over a month. I guess I finally need to do something therapeutic for myself tonight. I somewhat forgot about this. That, for the most part it seems like it's a private thing to write in, even though anyone has the ability to read it.
Tonight, I'm finding it awkward to put things together in a way that seems comprehensive. Except now, I'm stumbling with words, a lot like how I do in real life. Things become jumbled and sometimes I say things backwards, or in the wrong order, and whether or not I understand what's trying to be conveyed I don't know. But in the schematic of things our words hold no true meaning or relevance to them if you can't say what's really on your mind, it's false advertisement any other way.
For a time being now, I suppose something between Lauren and I happened. Not today or last week; the date isn't what matters. The point is that it happened. And I suppose that had consequences.
I think in, early October? I think it was then, she and I had just grown too far apart then. It wasn't unbearable then but it was eerie. Dana and I agreed things were too awry by then. That it wasn't any good. We were pretty honest about things.
Somewhere in December, I'd grown fed up by her. Our personalities clashed too much and there was too much hostility. I'd said to her one day to not talk to me, that I wouldn't want to see her around, except around once in a while. That I didn't want anything to do with her, that I didn't want to see her online, or in the hallways. What little contact there is has been--pleasant. Somewhere along there, I fall back in more contact with her than I prefer.
I guess what's happened between Lauren and I is something selfish on our parts. But it's been something in the making for over a year. And it seems like everything that had been just a friendship was building up all this time for that moment which was a quiet and secret one. And while that itself is good, the circumstances around us, isn't. Which makes things harder, I think.
I don't know, in the midst of things, somebody told Dana about all this. I'm not really angry or bitter at whoever did. I'd wish Lauren had told her though. Anyway, all of this becomes much more dramatic than it should be, and it's a pain in the ass. It's sad when life gets as dramatic as Dawson's Fucking Creek.
Dana's walking around like a ghost. And while it's understandable that she's upset. She's over me. I suppose what merits some of it being upsetting is that she considers Lauren her closest friend. I was put on the spot when all three of us sat together and talked about all this. Something awkward yet comfortable because the three of us would hang out a lot. I don't know, I don't wish Dana bad. I have to keep calm, I suppose.
I've been stressed about a lot of things. This was just what topped it off when I snapped at a girl. I don't get angry a lot, but when I do, it's horrible. I don't know, it took a lot of resistance to not...swing at her. Mainly because I don't think girls should be hit, and it makes me feel the worst whenever I act like that towards a girl. The guy who had been flirting with her, standing next to her, threatened to kick my ass, and I told him to go for it. He didn't, but god, it would have been worse if he had. I'd kept imagining throughout the whole thing of throwing my desk at someone. I don't know, I'm not a violent person, but when I lost it I'm more than ready to get in a fight.
It left me feeling pretty guilty all of Friday night. I felt ashamed for acting that way. I hold too much inside, and then when I finally snap it's usually at someone who doesn't know why I do as badly as I do. I feel like such a psycho.
And the thought of what's to come after school is done and where my future rests irks me. My dad brought it up one day when he came home, and I snapped at him and was hostile and defensive about the subject. It's not as if I'm getting anywhere. And I can only avoid it for so much longer. I've been unmotivated to do so much in my life. I feel like it's pointless, I'm not going to get in a very good college anyhow. I guess it's in college that I'll have to try harder. It's too late for high school though. I fucked up and I admit it. Maybe I can work hard in whatever shitty, college that lacks any prestige and respect, and get transferred to a better one after one year or so.
I wonder if I hate life? I wonder if I'm afraid to die? I don't think I hate life completely. There's some things good about it. There's some people worthwhile, too. I just wonder what makes me feel so dead to it. Heh, probably typical teenage angst? No, it feels like something more than that. It's not because things are doing bad. No, it's nothing to do with anything going on now or in the past. I just feel very hopeless. I've come to terms with it. And that doesn't make me want to hurt myself or give up.
I've been trying to not complain to anybody lately. Today was pretty bad. Plans got cancelled, and it felt like getting out of bed this morning was pretty pointless. I went to buy a movie and a pizza in hopes of cheering myself up a little.
It's okay though, things always are.
Tonight, I'm finding it awkward to put things together in a way that seems comprehensive. Except now, I'm stumbling with words, a lot like how I do in real life. Things become jumbled and sometimes I say things backwards, or in the wrong order, and whether or not I understand what's trying to be conveyed I don't know. But in the schematic of things our words hold no true meaning or relevance to them if you can't say what's really on your mind, it's false advertisement any other way.
For a time being now, I suppose something between Lauren and I happened. Not today or last week; the date isn't what matters. The point is that it happened. And I suppose that had consequences.
I think in, early October? I think it was then, she and I had just grown too far apart then. It wasn't unbearable then but it was eerie. Dana and I agreed things were too awry by then. That it wasn't any good. We were pretty honest about things.
Somewhere in December, I'd grown fed up by her. Our personalities clashed too much and there was too much hostility. I'd said to her one day to not talk to me, that I wouldn't want to see her around, except around once in a while. That I didn't want anything to do with her, that I didn't want to see her online, or in the hallways. What little contact there is has been--pleasant. Somewhere along there, I fall back in more contact with her than I prefer.
I guess what's happened between Lauren and I is something selfish on our parts. But it's been something in the making for over a year. And it seems like everything that had been just a friendship was building up all this time for that moment which was a quiet and secret one. And while that itself is good, the circumstances around us, isn't. Which makes things harder, I think.
I don't know, in the midst of things, somebody told Dana about all this. I'm not really angry or bitter at whoever did. I'd wish Lauren had told her though. Anyway, all of this becomes much more dramatic than it should be, and it's a pain in the ass. It's sad when life gets as dramatic as Dawson's Fucking Creek.
Dana's walking around like a ghost. And while it's understandable that she's upset. She's over me. I suppose what merits some of it being upsetting is that she considers Lauren her closest friend. I was put on the spot when all three of us sat together and talked about all this. Something awkward yet comfortable because the three of us would hang out a lot. I don't know, I don't wish Dana bad. I have to keep calm, I suppose.
I've been stressed about a lot of things. This was just what topped it off when I snapped at a girl. I don't get angry a lot, but when I do, it's horrible. I don't know, it took a lot of resistance to not...swing at her. Mainly because I don't think girls should be hit, and it makes me feel the worst whenever I act like that towards a girl. The guy who had been flirting with her, standing next to her, threatened to kick my ass, and I told him to go for it. He didn't, but god, it would have been worse if he had. I'd kept imagining throughout the whole thing of throwing my desk at someone. I don't know, I'm not a violent person, but when I lost it I'm more than ready to get in a fight.
It left me feeling pretty guilty all of Friday night. I felt ashamed for acting that way. I hold too much inside, and then when I finally snap it's usually at someone who doesn't know why I do as badly as I do. I feel like such a psycho.
And the thought of what's to come after school is done and where my future rests irks me. My dad brought it up one day when he came home, and I snapped at him and was hostile and defensive about the subject. It's not as if I'm getting anywhere. And I can only avoid it for so much longer. I've been unmotivated to do so much in my life. I feel like it's pointless, I'm not going to get in a very good college anyhow. I guess it's in college that I'll have to try harder. It's too late for high school though. I fucked up and I admit it. Maybe I can work hard in whatever shitty, college that lacks any prestige and respect, and get transferred to a better one after one year or so.
I wonder if I hate life? I wonder if I'm afraid to die? I don't think I hate life completely. There's some things good about it. There's some people worthwhile, too. I just wonder what makes me feel so dead to it. Heh, probably typical teenage angst? No, it feels like something more than that. It's not because things are doing bad. No, it's nothing to do with anything going on now or in the past. I just feel very hopeless. I've come to terms with it. And that doesn't make me want to hurt myself or give up.
I've been trying to not complain to anybody lately. Today was pretty bad. Plans got cancelled, and it felt like getting out of bed this morning was pretty pointless. I went to buy a movie and a pizza in hopes of cheering myself up a little.
It's okay though, things always are.