Crystal Years part 2
It was a cloudy afternoon when Akanishi walked out of the train station the next day. He stood near a newspaper stand, squinting his eyes at the horizon hoping to have a glimpse of Mt. Fuji. Unfortunately, the clouds obscured any potential view he could have.
He hailed a cab after fifteen minutes of failed attempts and the driver recognized him immediately, saying that his grandson has been playing the newest album of Bin’s Stock like there’s no tomorrow.
“Is it known here that I also produce them?” He asked as they drove away from the business district of Shizuoka.
“I guess so, Sir. I’m sixty-seven and I know. And there was a special about you last year. TBS, was it? I watched it with my daughters.”
Akanishi pressed his head against the window.
“My daughter wishes that you produce a Japanese artist for once especially now that…” Akanishi had already tuned out.
He only agreed to that documentary because his bosses believed in the Japanese market. He never thought that people would actually watch a 2-hour special of a washed-up, black sheep idol of the last decade.
“I think you made the right decision, Sir. Having a family is the best thing that can happen in one’s life.” The driver said right before he stepped out.
The cab dropped him at a corner street of a quaint neighborhood and he thought none of the driver’s last words. He needed no assurance from anyone.
He walked further, observing the identical two-story houses lined at each side of the street, until he found himself at the end of a narrow but bustling, commercial lane.
There were mothers crowded in front of a tofu shop - Sale 70%, its banner said. Their arms full of various plastic and brown bags from other food stores - meat shop, fruit stands, vegetable discount stores and popular franchise grocery stores.
A middle-aged salary man was walking brusquely, bumping Akanishi hard as he passed by him, while yelling at someone on his mobile phone. The women in the Tofu shop stopped haggling for a moment and followed the salary man’s fuming footsteps with knowing eyes and hushed whispers until he turned around the corner and they broke into high-pitched chatters.
A group of students with haphazardly worn uniforms went inside a bookstore across the street. Akanishi stopped and peeked inside the bookstore and saw other young people reading manga while some were huddled in front of the Red Books section.
No one seemed to spare him a glance. People were busy buying food, selling things, walking home, going somewhere, talking and listening to their companions, laughing and smiling.
He had his hands inside his coat pockets as he walked by the street. He had to ask a couple of elderly men sitting outside a grocery store before he found what he was looking for.
It was quarter past four in the afternoon and the pub was preparing for the night. A young man, with a rugged, little face, was on his toes as he set up their red lantern outside, angling the lantern to have the perfect view of the whole lane.
Akanishi took off his aviators as he walked towards him
“Hey. Is Tanaka Koki in there?” Akanishi asked, softly.
“Boss? Yeah.” The other stood straight, and stared at Akanishi with curious eyes. “Would you like me to call him?”
“Thank you. And tell him it’s an old friend of Joker.”
He went inside the pub wordlessly.
Akanishi stood outside; waiting and studying the traditional Izakaya in front him.
“He said Fuck off.” The young man said with a heavy accent as he stepped out of the entrance minutes later.
“Oh.” Akanishi blinked. He almost laughed. “Is that a password?”
“Koki was never that eloquent.” He said more to himself.
“Is he still inside?” Akanishi continued as he went inside and left the young man.
It was quite humid inside the pub. The place was divided into two-seating preference: there, by entrance door was a long bar lined with stools and several tables and chairs were situated near the bar, while at further back of the room was an elevated tatami platform in which a dozen of low-rise tables were located.
“Hey. Boss said I should kick you out.” The other hurried at his side, his face scrunched up in obvious worry.
“Where’s he?” Akanishi ignored him as he walked fast inside, avoiding collision with the tables and stacked-up chairs. “Why is it so dark here?”
A door behind the bar opened, “Still the complainer, aren’t you?”
“Koki.” Akanishi stopped and the young man bumped into him. Akanishi heard the young man mutter curses.
“You’re not welcome here, Akanishi. Go home. You’re wasting both our time.” He said as he went behind the door.
Akanishi glanced down at the young man behind him and smiled, - “See, I told you it was a password.” - his index finger pointing the open door.
He followed Tanaka inside; six steps behind the other. Behind the door was a darkened, windowless pathway that led to an empty kitchen at the end of it. Akanishi sneaked a quick look inside a room that they passed by and he figured it to be the changing room of the employees. He saw a light coming from a slightly ajar door at the other end of the corridor. A back door, he assumed.
Their feet made shuffling beats as they walked along the empty corridor. Their heavy breathing echoed, unmindful of the nerve of the other person they were with.
They went inside the kitchen and Akanishi stood by the screen door as Tanaka opened the freezer for a moment, forehead creased and eyes glassy, and walked further at the back of the kitchen and noiselessly went inside another room. He left the door opened again.
It was a small but neatly kept office. An old air-con hummed lowly at the corner of the room, harmonizing with the static coming from the radio atop the table.
“I won’t go back, Jin.” Koki said with his back facing Akanishi, busy sorting out some papers inside the file cabinet.
Akanishi sat at the chair in front of the table. “The money will do you good, Koki.”
Tanaka faced him and it was the first time Akanishi had a good look at him.
His short black hair was unruly and he was wearing a black hoody and a loose, checkered dress shirt over faded jeans. A lone stud on his right ear gleamed as the soft afternoon light seeped through the Venetian blinds.
“I need not be insulted in my own place, Akanishi” He said, face emotionless.
“I’m not insulting you, Koki.” Akanishi answered, with equal demeanor.
“Are these your kids?” He pointed to the picture of a baby girl and a toddler on the table.
“Michiko, 8 months. Rikko, 3 years old.” Tanaka said as he kneeled behind the table and reached for the lowest drawer. He stood up moments later and placed a rusty metal box on the table, opening it.
There were bills and coins bundled inside the box and he took several bills out, “Yuichiro!” He hollered.
“Yes, boss?” the young man suddenly popped inside the room.
“Check the pantry. Make sure we don’t run out of meat. And go get Hiromi while you’re at it. We need to prepare earlier for tonight.” He handed him the money.
“Okay.” Yuichiro said, his eyes fixed on Akanishi. “I’ll be back soon.”
Tanaka just patted him on the shoulders and pushed him out of the room.
“He can afford a raise.” Akanishi thought loudly as Tanaka closed the door.
“I’m sending him through college. That’s enough.” Tanaka sat down on the chair behind the table.
Tanaka scratched his nose as he leaned back and rocked his chair back and forth, eyes on the small window.
“I thought highly of you. Don’t tell me you believed Kame’s sweet words?”
Akanishi looked at him, “It’s Tat-chan.”
Tanaka sat straight. “Don’t give me that shit. I won’t fall for that.” He hesitated, “Last time I heard he was cancer-free.”
Akanishi leaned back and closed his eyes. “Yeah, he was, what four years ago?” Tanaka made a noise, in which Akanishi ignored. “He just learned that it had spread all over. Colon cancer, stage three.”
Tanaka reached for the picture frame on his table, and stared at their family picture.
“I can’t believe you don’t know about this. I’m the one who’s away across the world.” Akanishi’s strained, husky voice sliced the thick atmosphere.
“I never open my TV. I cut communication with everyone. Except for Kame. I suppose you got my address from him?” Tanaka’s voice was hollow and low.
“From Maru. You have no idea how updated he is with your life.”
Tanaka sighed. “Keiko, my wife. They’re good friends.”
Akanishi nodded at that and just watched Tanaka as he placed the picture frame back on the table and slumped back on his chair.
“Is he dying?” His arms covered his eyes.
“No. But he’ll be retiring right after the concert. He’ll migrate to Canada.”
“With Rina and the kids?”
“Maybe.” Akanishi sniffed unconsciously, “I don’t know.”
Tanaka removed his arms from his face, but his head was still hanging from the chair’s backrest, his eyes fixed on ceiling.
“This is unfair. You can’t use that to me.”
“Misericordiam.” Akanishi explained. “Maru’s idea.”
Akanishi can hear the gush of wind from the outside as it hit the window glass. The static from the radio and the low humming of the aircon almost lulled him to sleep.
“I meant well, Jin. You know. I was sober for months then.” Tanaka’s fingers played with the ballpen on the table, tapping it against the table.
“I was there, in case you’ve forgotten.” Akanishi said. Memories of a darkened, reeking basement, police siren and flashing cameras came to him. He blinked away the sudden anxiety attack.
“I didn’t mean to ruin us. I was trying to fix everything, my life, my career. I meant well. It backfired.” Tanaka closed his eyes.
Akanishi snorted. “Don’t give yourself too much credit. I was the one who left in the middle of it all.”
Tanaka looked at him, amused grin playing on his features. “At least you had the decency to mention it in the press conference.”
“I stole your limelight. I’m sorry. I’m an attention whore like that.” Akanishi cheekily smiled at him. Tanaka rolled his eyes.
“Come on, Koki. The others don’t think much of it anymore.” Akanishi’s words were soft and slow.
Tanaka raised one eyebrow.
“Okay, maybe not.” Akanishi leaned forward. “I won’t lie. The Jimusho is worse than ever but Kame’s there. Give or take five years, he’ll finally get his inherited position from the old man. The board can’t stop him.”
“I don’t fucking care about Kame being the General Producer after five years.”
Akanishi sighed. “Alright. I’m just saying Kame’s the lesser evil.”
Tanaka looked at him. “I’m sick of it all.”
Akanishi closed his eyes and exhaled.
“Then, just for this concert, Koki. For Tat-chan. I wouldn’t be here if it’s not for him.” Akanishi started, his fingers tracing the edges of the aviators that hung from the collar of his coat.
“He won’t be coming back. He’s really sick. The doctors may have not yet announced his case as terminal but he knows himself that he won’t -“
“Fuck, Jin. Shut up.” Tanaka stood up and pranced around the room.
“It’s the truth. Why do you think Kame begged the board just to let us have this reunion concert? The board still hates us. But I don’t care. We screwed up their lives, their futures. One concert may not be enough to pay back the effects of our decisions in their lives but it’s a start.”
“I don’t regret retiring.” Tanaka said.
“Same here. But we have to be responsible for our actions.”
“I don’t know Jin.” Tanaka pulled the Venetian blinds up, the soft sunset hue covered the small office.
“For the fans too, Koki. This will be our last bow. They deserve a decent good-bye from us with all the fucking shit that happened.” Akanishi looked at Tanaka as the other leaned against the wall beside the window.
“There’s more to it than that, Jin.”
“Yeah. But mainly it’s just your pride talking.”
Their eyes locked.
Akanishi was the one who broke it. He sighed and bended over; his fingers rubbing his eyes, “We decided that we would not push through with this if you won’t be joining.”
“What the fuck. Don’t put the burden on me.” Tanaka hissed as he stalked towards him.
That sparked something inside Akanishi, he stood up. “Honestly, Koki. What’s the point if we’re missing one member?”
Tanaka stood on his ground, arms at his sides, shaking. “That’s not fair.”
“The idea is for KAT-TUN to say their final good-bye as a group,” He bit his lower lip, “To… to let Tat-chan leave this industry… Japan…us without regret.” Akanishi’s voice croaked, his hands wiping his unshed tears.
“And as much as I hate to give you credit,” He walked towards Koki and pressed his index finger on Tanaka’s chest, hard “we need you for that.”
***
He decided to take the JR line instead and just walk from Shibuya station to Omotesando. He needed to breathe. The snow had stopped falling but the chilling winter night was enough to make him regret his decision.
A fifteen-minute walk in this city was different ten years ago, Akanishi thought. Then, he’d walk fast but would occasionally stop and see, smell, taste what’s happening around him, live the city life and feel the excitement rushing in his blood, palpating, beating, telling him that he’s alive and everything will be alright, even if the clock was ticking and his manager was on the other line, furious and cursing. Now, he walked slower but the clock was running out and he doesn’t have the time to mourn.
The white, three-story duplex was slowly fading into the background as its neighboring exquisite apartment complexes and guesthouses drowned it and its 80’s charm. Up until now, Akanishi is still in awe with how quiet this little utopian, suburbia is despite the fact that a high-class metropolitan hub is just blocks away.
It was quarter past nine when he rang the doorbell and Ueda opened the door.
“Hey.” Akanishi said, breathless. He raised a plastic bag. “Beers? From Koki.” He stopped himself from saying anything more.
Ueda smiled and reached to him. “You went to him? What happened?”
“He’ll go to the practices but that’s it. He has no intention of sitting through any production meeting. Stubborn prat.” Akanishi answered after he hugged Ueda, tight.
Ueda’s hands were still on shoulders, grasping him. The other’s eyes were shining and busy studying him.
“You look nice, Jin.” Ueda’s twisted, sour smile has a place in Akanishi’s heart ever since.
“You too.” Akanishi inhaled.
“Come.” Ueda squeezed his shoulder before letting go and walked inside the house. Akanishi followed him but he stopped when he went out of daze and had a clearer vision.
“You’re moving out?” His eyes fixed from the huge boxes sprawled across the room to the white fabric thrown over the couch in the middle of the room. The house was bright, all lights were open, even the curtains were drawn. He glanced around the room and noticed that the dining area was almost empty except for the 8-seater rosewood dining table he had passed out on due to drunkenness several times over the course of his teenage years.
Ueda faced him and smiled briefly, “I decided to stay in hospital for time being. While we’re preparing for the con.” Akanishi’s eyes were still on him, not blinking but not without his forehead creasing.
“I’m selling this house.” He paused and touched the white fabric, “I sent some stuff to Canada already and I’ll be dumping the rest to the main house. My parents can’t say no.” He laughed and removed the fabric so he can sit on the couch.
Ueda had gotten thinner and smaller since the last time Akanishi saw him three years ago. He was drowning in his oversized blue sweater and pants. He was always a pale kid even when he was still healthy and went to the gym everyday. During that time then, his paleness was already considered part of his image but now… Akanishi doesn’t even want to think about it. Ueda’s eyes were glistening; he was still here, struggling to keep going and not letting go.
Akanishi sat beside him, he removed his coat and threw it over the back rest. “How about Rina and the kids? Don’t tell me they’ll be staying with you in the hospital?” He blinked, “Will they stay with your parents?”
Ueda smiled at him, his eyes now a bit dimmer. “We’re divorced. Since August.”
“What?” Akanishi breath hitched. “No, Tat-chan. Don’t be stupid.”
Ueda just sat there, their eyes locked. “You love her. You’ve been together since you were sixteen,” Akanishi pleaded, his head shaking.
“Exactly, Jin.”
“What- No, Tat-chan. No.” Akanishi inched closer. “Fuck, Tat-chan. What the hell? What did you tell her?”
“That I don’t love her anymore. It’s unfair for her, Jin. She’s still young. She shouldn’t waste her time taking care of me.”
Akanishi shook his head. He yearned to touch the other, to see if this was real.
“How about the kids, Tat-chan? They’re still your kids.”
“I know. I love them as much as they’re really ours. I really do.But that’s the reason why, Jin. She should have her own -,”
“No. Tat-chan. Rina doesn’t care about that! She’s happy with you and Yuriko and Tomo.”
Ueda placed a hand over his knees.
“You can say that because you have your own daughter.” Ueda’s words were careful, calculated and slow. “I can’t do that, Jin.” Akanishi winced. “She deserved someone better.”
“Why are you making things so complicated? I can’t believe Rina agreed to this.”
“I asked her to let me go.” He closed his eyes. “I love her so much.” Ueda smiled to himself.
“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” Akanishi mumbled as reached for the packs of beers inside the plastic bag he brought, “Do you have any ice? This will be a long night.”
Ueda laughed at that and walked towards the dining area, his footsteps small, and stopped by the counter, “Asakura-san? I have a guest, can you bring us some glasses and ice in the table -,” He looked at Akanishi suddenly, “Are you hungry?”
Akanishi shook his head, “Koki fed me.”
Minutes later, they were seated across each other at the table. Ueda was sitting lotus-style while Akanishi left leg was bended over and the other one propped over the next seat. An elderly lady in knitted sweater and pencil-cut skirt placed glasses, bowl of ice and two wine bottles on the table. She smiled at Akanishi and he tried to return it.
Akanishi waited for her to leave the room, “Who’s she?”
“She was my nanny when I was a kid. I’ll be bringing her to Canada with me.”
Akanishi was flicking his first, empty beer can, making an irritating noise. “Does Rina even know that you’re sick?”
Ueda massaged his fingers as his eyes trailed over the melting ice on his glass. “…No.”
Akanishi cursed and Ueda flinched at that. “You’re hurting her. That’s not cool. If you’re doing this so you’ll look cool, I’m telling you, you are being very stupid.” Akanishi wanted to punch him. His voice was shaking. He hated winter so much.
“You’ll go to Canada and die there with just a fucking nanny by your side?” Akanishi flinched at his own words. He was never the type to think before speaking.
Ueda smile to himself, unmindful what the other just said, “I’ll be staying near an estate where I have some distant relatives.”
“And so? Fuck. Why are you being stupid, Tat-chan?”
Ueda opened his mouth but closed it again. He massaged his fingers, knuckles then his wrists; his eyes closed.
“I won't last long, Jin.” Ueda leaned back, his blonde hair, sparkling under the bright chandelier over them. His pale skin melted into the light, meeting and dancing with the soft dazzle of his hair.
Akanishi leaned down, his fringe hovering his eyes.
“I needed chemo for a long time now but I refused to, ever since. I want to stay lively and I want to keep my hair.” He laughed and Akanishi shook his head.
“As of now, I just know of the one in my colon. But I know there’s more. Three years top, Jin. I don’t even know.” He paused, “I’ll be giving my all on this concert.” He said and reached for the pack of Salem on the table. “Can I have some?”
“No. You’re sick.” Akanishi spat, his eyes quivering.
“Don’t cry on me, Jin.” Ueda reached forward and touched his hand for a second. “I haven’t had any of these for years.” He smiled and Akanishi didn’t say anything anymore.
“I want Rina to start moving on with her life now. I don’t want for her to see me die, mourn and then have difficulties in moving on. Isn’t that better, Jin? You have a wife. You know what I mean.” He said, as he puffed out. Hazy smoke shrouded his face, and the smell made Akanishi’s stomach churn. It was like he was seeing his friend die.
“No. I’m the possessive type. I’ll die with her.” Akanishi covered his face with his sweaty palms.
Ueda smiled at him, “That’s your charm.” Another puff.
Akanishi reached for a stick for himself, and inhaled, deep. Exhaling everything.
“Tat-chan, come with me instead. I’ll look for a good hospital in San Jose.” Akanishi’s eyes spoke far more. “My family will take care of you.”
“Thank you, Jin. Thank you,” Ueda murmured. “But everything has been settled.”
Akanishi decided that crying was not a good thing to do as of the moment. He sniffed before bringing his head up.
“How about your band?” Akanishi asked in a desperate attempt to change the topic. “What will be your press release then?” He added, emptying another can in the process.
“Indefinite hiatus.” Ueda raised an eyebrow at him. Another puff.
“People still buy that?” And they both laughed. Another puff, another can.
As the night went on, Akanishi refused to think about tomorrow, about seven years ago, about Canada and Tokyo Dome. It was a night with an old friend who will never die and is forever young and beautiful, just like their dreams and songs of hope and faith.
***
Forty minutes before show time and Akanishi was running late. He still has to check if they found the boots for his solo and to see if all costumes were set and ready to go and were arranged properly in the costume rack of each member.
He turned around the corner, almost colliding with several running Juniors. They bowed to him briefly before running past him, heading to their starting position, he guessed.
The backstage was cramped for this concert. Though there were less Juniors participating now, there was quite a number of media people who had backstage pass. The photobook staff were lurking at every corner, taking snapshots of everyone and everything while the DVD staff, on the other hand, were following Nakamaru all day long. Oh how times changed, Akanishi thought.
He entered the room and saw Kamenashi inside, sitting at one of dressers, smoking, his bare feet dangling.
He ignored him and went to the clothes’ rack and started arranging his costumes per number.
“Hey.” Kamenashi said, softly.
Akanishi only answered him when he finally found which boots are which. “What?”
“I just have to tell you now before we fuck up the MC later. I’m going to legally adopt Keita. And he’ll die not knowing you.” He jumped to his feet.
“He’s still my son and I have my own ways, Kame.” Akanishi stood up from beneath the shoe rack.
Akanishi went to the other dresser across the room and mussed on his get up, flattened his hair, attempted to curl the ends and then gave up.
“You fucking left them. You’re good as dead.” Kamenashi walked towards him, hands on his pocket.
Akanishi leaned on his palms, shifting all his weight on his arms, his eyes locked with Kamenashi’s over the reflection on the mirror. “Don’t assume things, Kamenashi. You have no idea what happened.”
“You left her.”
“I have to. You know that.”
“You did not return. You married someone instead.” Kamenashi seethed.
Akanishi pushed himself to stand straight and he faced Kamenashi.
“I’m happy for you and Reiko. I am, Kame. I really am.”
“Just getting what was rightfully mine in the first place.”
Akanishi closed his eyes. He doesn’t want to deal with this right now. “It’s been what, 9 years already? Get over it, Kame.”
“No. Shit, Jin. She cheated on me because of you. I let her go. You had a child with her. You fucking left her.”
“No, Kame. No.” Akanishi massaged the bridge of his nose.
He couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t hear the PA system, the ADs and other staff outside, shouting and ordering people to get in position, making sure of this and that; he couldn’t even hear their own song playing outside the room as few Juniors practiced along the corridor. He tuned it out; it was only Kamenashi and him - just like before, just like always.
“The plan was for her to follow me and we’ll settle down there,” Akanishi backed a little until he can lean on the edge of the dresser.
“But she never came. I knew she was hesitant about everything - us, Keita, me. I let her go.” He looked down and studied his fingers.
“We both knew we wouldn’t last long together. It was just a matter of time. She’ll never be able to keep up with my pace.” He smiled more to himself before raising his head to meet Kamenashi’s eyes.
“She chose you. I was just a fling.”
“You had a child with her. She loved you.”
“He’s yours as well now. She loves you.”
Kamenashi’s eyes were darting, “I’ll still adopt Keita.”
“But I’m still his father. My day will come.”
Akanishi stood up straight, he stretched his hand towards Kamenashi, “Congratulations, I know Reiko made the right decision. I know you’ll be a good husband and father, Kazuya.”
Kamenashi stared at his hand for a second before accepting it. “You’re invited. Please bring your family.” And then, he smiled.
They shook hands; it was terse, awkward, unsure, and tense just like it had always been, just like their relationship, Akanishi thought. But despite everything - punches, curses, lies and loves - they always still end up somewhere private, zoning out with the rest of the world and meeting half-way and saying regretful things in which they never felt regretful about.
***
“Gather around!” Kamenashi shouted and everyone did so. 15 minutes before curtain.
It was hot and cramped in this little space. They were under directly the stage. A small makeshift metal stair was behind Kamenashi. The air was thick and Akanishi felt the adrenaline rushing in his system. It was like 2006 again and the same pressure of success was a burden to all of them.
Akanishi stood beside Nakamaru, who seemed to be praying on bended knees. He glanced around the cramped space and saw tired, nervous faces. Everyone - Juniors, staff, members themselves - was sweating, moving around and eyes darting.
Akanishi closed his eyes and tried to ignore his heart beating, its echo and how it resonated. He ignored his sweaty palms and how blood rushed in his head. He tried to focus on remembering the lyrics, the steps, the choreography, the lights and the sounds.
They cannot afford anything less than perfection for tonight.
Kamenashi raised his hand to signal the DVD and photobook staff to stop recording and taking pictures.
Kamenashi rubbed his hands together. “Okay! You know your positions,” Kamenashi started, finger pointing at two Juniors at the side, “Niigata and Yuu, remember to wait for the red light before - ”
“Kame.” Taguchi stepped forward, cutting Kamenashi.
“What?” Kamenashi blinked, he was taken aback by Taguchi’s interruption. Akanishi stood straight and stared at Taguchi, who was shuffling his feet.
“Junno?” Kamenashi asked, forehead creased. The time was ticking and they didn’t have time for this.
“Can I say something?” Taguchi’s voice was stern.
Akanishi blinked and searched for the eyes of Kamenashi. Their eyes locked and the other sighed and stepped back. “Alright.”
Taguchi inhaled then smiled. He aged, just like everyone, as seen with the lines around his eyes but his youth was still clear in his eyes - glistening and bright.
“I never do this. Speaking, I mean. Ever since KAT-TUN was formed, I always let the other members make the decisions,” He started. “We have always been a difficult group. But I never regretted it that I was… I am part of KAT-TUN.”
“I just want to say that I’m happy. Very happy,” He paused and closed his eyes.
“Because I never thought that I’ll be able to see you guys ever again. That I’ll never be able to perform with you.”
He looked at the other members, smiling.
“I’m retired, just like most of you. I never thought I’d step in a stage ever again as a performer. I’m a normal salary man now. Game designer by weekdays and pro-pool player during the weekends. But see, I’m here. With you guys.”
Akanishi’s heart sunk. Akanishi wished Taguchi would stop there.
“I’m happy. I will perform along side Kame again. Our boss.”
Kamenashi stepped further back until he hit the first step of the stairs.
“He left the music industry and started working behind the camera but he’s back in the stage with us. I admire Kame so much,” He paused, and looked behind him, smiling at Kamenashi.
“During mornings, he talks to sponsors, business partners, producers, directors but by night time, he practices like he was still sixteen and was a back-up dancer in Tackey-kun’s concert. I thought I’d never be able to work with such a professional and talented man ever again.”
Kamenashi’s fringe covered his eyes, his hands gathered together and he nodded at no one in particular.
They heard the cheers of excitement and anticipation of the audience but no one said a thing. Akanishi had his hands covering his face. He did not expect this from Taguchi.
“Even Jin is back.”
Akanishi’s breath hitched.
“He worked so hard for this concert. He made new arrangements to our old songs. He composed new ones. He and Kame fought every day with set lists, lighting, everything. I never thought I’ll never be able to hear Jin sing again or even his insults, but he’s here. And I’m so happy. Jin has always been my favorite.”
Akanishi looked at the ceiling. He can’t cry now. He has to reach some serious notes in the opening song.
“And Koki,” Tanaka suddenly sat on his heels and bowed his head, murmuring, “No. no, no. Fuck, no Junno.”
“I... don’t know what to say.” Taguchi laughed, two drops of tears rolled down his cheek.
“I gave up on my dream of us performing together. I don’t care about it anymore. I… I just want to see you again. I thought everything has ended then. But you’re here,” Taguchi clutched the edge of his shirt and played with the sequins.
“Loud as ever, like we never grew up. Still very nice and very patient.” Taguchi had his head down, refusing to look at anyone.
Kamenashi was leaning on the stair’s railing, back hunched.
“And there’s Maru,” Nakamaru exhaled deeply and turned his back at everyone else, pressing his forehead against the wall. “Our Maru, who refused the chance of a Hollywood movie debut because of filming conflicts with our rehearsals. Maru has always been here for us. Always been. He never failed us. Our Maru who loves KAT-TUN more than anyone else…”
When Nakamaru’s shoulder started shaking, Akanishi placed an arm over him.
“I know Tat-chan is happy.” And Taguchi stopped there. Just like everything else.
Taguchi smiled, river of tears flowed from his bright eyes.
Akanishi can’t take it anymore; he exhaled and let go. He felt Nakamaru hugging him on his side, wet tears trickling down his arm, hands clutching the edge of his shirt.
“Things might not go according to plan, but it’s our hearts that matters.” Taguchi said, searching the faces of everyone in the room.
Tanaka stood up and started jumping on his feet and rubbing his palms on his face. Kamenashi sat on the stairs and tried to even out his breathing.
A couple of Juniors were crying beside them. Several lady staff members were hugging each other. The rest had their heads lowered or sniffing discreetly. The cheers outside were getting louder and louder by the minute.
Akanishi heaved deeply and tried not to think much.
“This concert was supposed to be for March but it’s June already. Even Kame’s wedding has been moved,” Taguchi’s eyes were quivering; he had to momentarily bite his lip before continuing.
Kamenashi buried his head on his arms.
“The plan was for KAT-TUN to have a reunion concert, to say good-bye to the fans. For Tat-chan. B-but he… well, things didn’t go according to plan.” Taguchi continued, smiling even if his voice was croaking.
“But it’s alright. This is what he wanted. For us to come together. To perform together. As a group. He’s with us. He is. Tat-chan is.” Taguchi’s breath was labored, his hands wiping his tears.
“He doesn’t like it when I cry.” He laughed. “He doesn’t like it when Koki kicks me. But he lets Jin bully Maru. And always favors with Kame.” Taguchi trailed off, “I’ll miss you Tat-chan.”
Taguchi lowered his head.
A minute had passed and no one said a thing, no one dared to break it. The cheers were loud and it was hard to ignore it.
Tanaka had his hands over his mouth, his eyes downcast and distant. A towel was covering Nakamaru’s head, his shoulders still shaking. Akanishi leaned against the wall as he pictured on his mind the faces of his daughter and wife, the beach, his dogs and his new bike.
“Alright.” Kamenashi’s husky voice came to their senses. He walked towards Taguchi and placed an arm over him. Taguchi peeked from his bangs and looked at him. Kamenashi smiled at him, grasping his shoulder tight.
“Alright.” Kamenashi closed his eyes and repeated.
“Alright.” He heaved and repeated again.
By the time he opened his eyes, he saw everyone looking at him.
“Alright.” Kamenashi held his head high.
“This is for Ueda Tatsuya. For the fans. For KAT-TUN’s 15 years in the industry. This is our good-bye to our fans, to everyone.”
Nakamaru removed the towel, his eyes still closed. He bit his lip and heaved deeply.
“We will make them remember this night even after thirty years. We will make them regret everything they had said.”
Tanaka nodded at that, eyes still wet.
“We will prove to them that no one, not one soul can dampen KAT-TUN.” Kamenashi almost seethed, his hands at his sides shaking.Taguchi wiped his tears and looked at Kamenashi with a small smile.
“We will rock this night.” Kamenashi said, breathless. It was almost a whisper but everyone heard him clearly.
Akanishi clutched his heart.
“It’s show time.”
***
He hailed a cab after fifteen minutes of failed attempts and the driver recognized him immediately, saying that his grandson has been playing the newest album of Bin’s Stock like there’s no tomorrow.
“Is it known here that I also produce them?” He asked as they drove away from the business district of Shizuoka.
“I guess so, Sir. I’m sixty-seven and I know. And there was a special about you last year. TBS, was it? I watched it with my daughters.”
Akanishi pressed his head against the window.
“My daughter wishes that you produce a Japanese artist for once especially now that…” Akanishi had already tuned out.
He only agreed to that documentary because his bosses believed in the Japanese market. He never thought that people would actually watch a 2-hour special of a washed-up, black sheep idol of the last decade.
“I think you made the right decision, Sir. Having a family is the best thing that can happen in one’s life.” The driver said right before he stepped out.
The cab dropped him at a corner street of a quaint neighborhood and he thought none of the driver’s last words. He needed no assurance from anyone.
He walked further, observing the identical two-story houses lined at each side of the street, until he found himself at the end of a narrow but bustling, commercial lane.
There were mothers crowded in front of a tofu shop - Sale 70%, its banner said. Their arms full of various plastic and brown bags from other food stores - meat shop, fruit stands, vegetable discount stores and popular franchise grocery stores.
A middle-aged salary man was walking brusquely, bumping Akanishi hard as he passed by him, while yelling at someone on his mobile phone. The women in the Tofu shop stopped haggling for a moment and followed the salary man’s fuming footsteps with knowing eyes and hushed whispers until he turned around the corner and they broke into high-pitched chatters.
A group of students with haphazardly worn uniforms went inside a bookstore across the street. Akanishi stopped and peeked inside the bookstore and saw other young people reading manga while some were huddled in front of the Red Books section.
No one seemed to spare him a glance. People were busy buying food, selling things, walking home, going somewhere, talking and listening to their companions, laughing and smiling.
He had his hands inside his coat pockets as he walked by the street. He had to ask a couple of elderly men sitting outside a grocery store before he found what he was looking for.
It was quarter past four in the afternoon and the pub was preparing for the night. A young man, with a rugged, little face, was on his toes as he set up their red lantern outside, angling the lantern to have the perfect view of the whole lane.
Akanishi took off his aviators as he walked towards him
“Hey. Is Tanaka Koki in there?” Akanishi asked, softly.
“Boss? Yeah.” The other stood straight, and stared at Akanishi with curious eyes. “Would you like me to call him?”
“Thank you. And tell him it’s an old friend of Joker.”
He went inside the pub wordlessly.
Akanishi stood outside; waiting and studying the traditional Izakaya in front him.
“He said Fuck off.” The young man said with a heavy accent as he stepped out of the entrance minutes later.
“Oh.” Akanishi blinked. He almost laughed. “Is that a password?”
“Koki was never that eloquent.” He said more to himself.
“Is he still inside?” Akanishi continued as he went inside and left the young man.
It was quite humid inside the pub. The place was divided into two-seating preference: there, by entrance door was a long bar lined with stools and several tables and chairs were situated near the bar, while at further back of the room was an elevated tatami platform in which a dozen of low-rise tables were located.
“Hey. Boss said I should kick you out.” The other hurried at his side, his face scrunched up in obvious worry.
“Where’s he?” Akanishi ignored him as he walked fast inside, avoiding collision with the tables and stacked-up chairs. “Why is it so dark here?”
A door behind the bar opened, “Still the complainer, aren’t you?”
“Koki.” Akanishi stopped and the young man bumped into him. Akanishi heard the young man mutter curses.
“You’re not welcome here, Akanishi. Go home. You’re wasting both our time.” He said as he went behind the door.
Akanishi glanced down at the young man behind him and smiled, - “See, I told you it was a password.” - his index finger pointing the open door.
He followed Tanaka inside; six steps behind the other. Behind the door was a darkened, windowless pathway that led to an empty kitchen at the end of it. Akanishi sneaked a quick look inside a room that they passed by and he figured it to be the changing room of the employees. He saw a light coming from a slightly ajar door at the other end of the corridor. A back door, he assumed.
Their feet made shuffling beats as they walked along the empty corridor. Their heavy breathing echoed, unmindful of the nerve of the other person they were with.
They went inside the kitchen and Akanishi stood by the screen door as Tanaka opened the freezer for a moment, forehead creased and eyes glassy, and walked further at the back of the kitchen and noiselessly went inside another room. He left the door opened again.
It was a small but neatly kept office. An old air-con hummed lowly at the corner of the room, harmonizing with the static coming from the radio atop the table.
“I won’t go back, Jin.” Koki said with his back facing Akanishi, busy sorting out some papers inside the file cabinet.
Akanishi sat at the chair in front of the table. “The money will do you good, Koki.”
Tanaka faced him and it was the first time Akanishi had a good look at him.
His short black hair was unruly and he was wearing a black hoody and a loose, checkered dress shirt over faded jeans. A lone stud on his right ear gleamed as the soft afternoon light seeped through the Venetian blinds.
“I need not be insulted in my own place, Akanishi” He said, face emotionless.
“I’m not insulting you, Koki.” Akanishi answered, with equal demeanor.
“Are these your kids?” He pointed to the picture of a baby girl and a toddler on the table.
“Michiko, 8 months. Rikko, 3 years old.” Tanaka said as he kneeled behind the table and reached for the lowest drawer. He stood up moments later and placed a rusty metal box on the table, opening it.
There were bills and coins bundled inside the box and he took several bills out, “Yuichiro!” He hollered.
“Yes, boss?” the young man suddenly popped inside the room.
“Check the pantry. Make sure we don’t run out of meat. And go get Hiromi while you’re at it. We need to prepare earlier for tonight.” He handed him the money.
“Okay.” Yuichiro said, his eyes fixed on Akanishi. “I’ll be back soon.”
Tanaka just patted him on the shoulders and pushed him out of the room.
“He can afford a raise.” Akanishi thought loudly as Tanaka closed the door.
“I’m sending him through college. That’s enough.” Tanaka sat down on the chair behind the table.
Tanaka scratched his nose as he leaned back and rocked his chair back and forth, eyes on the small window.
“I thought highly of you. Don’t tell me you believed Kame’s sweet words?”
Akanishi looked at him, “It’s Tat-chan.”
Tanaka sat straight. “Don’t give me that shit. I won’t fall for that.” He hesitated, “Last time I heard he was cancer-free.”
Akanishi leaned back and closed his eyes. “Yeah, he was, what four years ago?” Tanaka made a noise, in which Akanishi ignored. “He just learned that it had spread all over. Colon cancer, stage three.”
Tanaka reached for the picture frame on his table, and stared at their family picture.
“I can’t believe you don’t know about this. I’m the one who’s away across the world.” Akanishi’s strained, husky voice sliced the thick atmosphere.
“I never open my TV. I cut communication with everyone. Except for Kame. I suppose you got my address from him?” Tanaka’s voice was hollow and low.
“From Maru. You have no idea how updated he is with your life.”
Tanaka sighed. “Keiko, my wife. They’re good friends.”
Akanishi nodded at that and just watched Tanaka as he placed the picture frame back on the table and slumped back on his chair.
“Is he dying?” His arms covered his eyes.
“No. But he’ll be retiring right after the concert. He’ll migrate to Canada.”
“With Rina and the kids?”
“Maybe.” Akanishi sniffed unconsciously, “I don’t know.”
Tanaka removed his arms from his face, but his head was still hanging from the chair’s backrest, his eyes fixed on ceiling.
“This is unfair. You can’t use that to me.”
“Misericordiam.” Akanishi explained. “Maru’s idea.”
Akanishi can hear the gush of wind from the outside as it hit the window glass. The static from the radio and the low humming of the aircon almost lulled him to sleep.
“I meant well, Jin. You know. I was sober for months then.” Tanaka’s fingers played with the ballpen on the table, tapping it against the table.
“I was there, in case you’ve forgotten.” Akanishi said. Memories of a darkened, reeking basement, police siren and flashing cameras came to him. He blinked away the sudden anxiety attack.
“I didn’t mean to ruin us. I was trying to fix everything, my life, my career. I meant well. It backfired.” Tanaka closed his eyes.
Akanishi snorted. “Don’t give yourself too much credit. I was the one who left in the middle of it all.”
Tanaka looked at him, amused grin playing on his features. “At least you had the decency to mention it in the press conference.”
“I stole your limelight. I’m sorry. I’m an attention whore like that.” Akanishi cheekily smiled at him. Tanaka rolled his eyes.
“Come on, Koki. The others don’t think much of it anymore.” Akanishi’s words were soft and slow.
Tanaka raised one eyebrow.
“Okay, maybe not.” Akanishi leaned forward. “I won’t lie. The Jimusho is worse than ever but Kame’s there. Give or take five years, he’ll finally get his inherited position from the old man. The board can’t stop him.”
“I don’t fucking care about Kame being the General Producer after five years.”
Akanishi sighed. “Alright. I’m just saying Kame’s the lesser evil.”
Tanaka looked at him. “I’m sick of it all.”
Akanishi closed his eyes and exhaled.
“Then, just for this concert, Koki. For Tat-chan. I wouldn’t be here if it’s not for him.” Akanishi started, his fingers tracing the edges of the aviators that hung from the collar of his coat.
“He won’t be coming back. He’s really sick. The doctors may have not yet announced his case as terminal but he knows himself that he won’t -“
“Fuck, Jin. Shut up.” Tanaka stood up and pranced around the room.
“It’s the truth. Why do you think Kame begged the board just to let us have this reunion concert? The board still hates us. But I don’t care. We screwed up their lives, their futures. One concert may not be enough to pay back the effects of our decisions in their lives but it’s a start.”
“I don’t regret retiring.” Tanaka said.
“Same here. But we have to be responsible for our actions.”
“I don’t know Jin.” Tanaka pulled the Venetian blinds up, the soft sunset hue covered the small office.
“For the fans too, Koki. This will be our last bow. They deserve a decent good-bye from us with all the fucking shit that happened.” Akanishi looked at Tanaka as the other leaned against the wall beside the window.
“There’s more to it than that, Jin.”
“Yeah. But mainly it’s just your pride talking.”
Their eyes locked.
Akanishi was the one who broke it. He sighed and bended over; his fingers rubbing his eyes, “We decided that we would not push through with this if you won’t be joining.”
“What the fuck. Don’t put the burden on me.” Tanaka hissed as he stalked towards him.
That sparked something inside Akanishi, he stood up. “Honestly, Koki. What’s the point if we’re missing one member?”
Tanaka stood on his ground, arms at his sides, shaking. “That’s not fair.”
“The idea is for KAT-TUN to say their final good-bye as a group,” He bit his lower lip, “To… to let Tat-chan leave this industry… Japan…us without regret.” Akanishi’s voice croaked, his hands wiping his unshed tears.
“And as much as I hate to give you credit,” He walked towards Koki and pressed his index finger on Tanaka’s chest, hard “we need you for that.”
***
He decided to take the JR line instead and just walk from Shibuya station to Omotesando. He needed to breathe. The snow had stopped falling but the chilling winter night was enough to make him regret his decision.
A fifteen-minute walk in this city was different ten years ago, Akanishi thought. Then, he’d walk fast but would occasionally stop and see, smell, taste what’s happening around him, live the city life and feel the excitement rushing in his blood, palpating, beating, telling him that he’s alive and everything will be alright, even if the clock was ticking and his manager was on the other line, furious and cursing. Now, he walked slower but the clock was running out and he doesn’t have the time to mourn.
The white, three-story duplex was slowly fading into the background as its neighboring exquisite apartment complexes and guesthouses drowned it and its 80’s charm. Up until now, Akanishi is still in awe with how quiet this little utopian, suburbia is despite the fact that a high-class metropolitan hub is just blocks away.
It was quarter past nine when he rang the doorbell and Ueda opened the door.
“Hey.” Akanishi said, breathless. He raised a plastic bag. “Beers? From Koki.” He stopped himself from saying anything more.
Ueda smiled and reached to him. “You went to him? What happened?”
“He’ll go to the practices but that’s it. He has no intention of sitting through any production meeting. Stubborn prat.” Akanishi answered after he hugged Ueda, tight.
Ueda’s hands were still on shoulders, grasping him. The other’s eyes were shining and busy studying him.
“You look nice, Jin.” Ueda’s twisted, sour smile has a place in Akanishi’s heart ever since.
“You too.” Akanishi inhaled.
“Come.” Ueda squeezed his shoulder before letting go and walked inside the house. Akanishi followed him but he stopped when he went out of daze and had a clearer vision.
“You’re moving out?” His eyes fixed from the huge boxes sprawled across the room to the white fabric thrown over the couch in the middle of the room. The house was bright, all lights were open, even the curtains were drawn. He glanced around the room and noticed that the dining area was almost empty except for the 8-seater rosewood dining table he had passed out on due to drunkenness several times over the course of his teenage years.
Ueda faced him and smiled briefly, “I decided to stay in hospital for time being. While we’re preparing for the con.” Akanishi’s eyes were still on him, not blinking but not without his forehead creasing.
“I’m selling this house.” He paused and touched the white fabric, “I sent some stuff to Canada already and I’ll be dumping the rest to the main house. My parents can’t say no.” He laughed and removed the fabric so he can sit on the couch.
Ueda had gotten thinner and smaller since the last time Akanishi saw him three years ago. He was drowning in his oversized blue sweater and pants. He was always a pale kid even when he was still healthy and went to the gym everyday. During that time then, his paleness was already considered part of his image but now… Akanishi doesn’t even want to think about it. Ueda’s eyes were glistening; he was still here, struggling to keep going and not letting go.
Akanishi sat beside him, he removed his coat and threw it over the back rest. “How about Rina and the kids? Don’t tell me they’ll be staying with you in the hospital?” He blinked, “Will they stay with your parents?”
Ueda smiled at him, his eyes now a bit dimmer. “We’re divorced. Since August.”
“What?” Akanishi breath hitched. “No, Tat-chan. Don’t be stupid.”
Ueda just sat there, their eyes locked. “You love her. You’ve been together since you were sixteen,” Akanishi pleaded, his head shaking.
“Exactly, Jin.”
“What- No, Tat-chan. No.” Akanishi inched closer. “Fuck, Tat-chan. What the hell? What did you tell her?”
“That I don’t love her anymore. It’s unfair for her, Jin. She’s still young. She shouldn’t waste her time taking care of me.”
Akanishi shook his head. He yearned to touch the other, to see if this was real.
“How about the kids, Tat-chan? They’re still your kids.”
“I know. I love them as much as they’re really ours. I really do.But that’s the reason why, Jin. She should have her own -,”
“No. Tat-chan. Rina doesn’t care about that! She’s happy with you and Yuriko and Tomo.”
Ueda placed a hand over his knees.
“You can say that because you have your own daughter.” Ueda’s words were careful, calculated and slow. “I can’t do that, Jin.” Akanishi winced. “She deserved someone better.”
“Why are you making things so complicated? I can’t believe Rina agreed to this.”
“I asked her to let me go.” He closed his eyes. “I love her so much.” Ueda smiled to himself.
“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” Akanishi mumbled as reached for the packs of beers inside the plastic bag he brought, “Do you have any ice? This will be a long night.”
Ueda laughed at that and walked towards the dining area, his footsteps small, and stopped by the counter, “Asakura-san? I have a guest, can you bring us some glasses and ice in the table -,” He looked at Akanishi suddenly, “Are you hungry?”
Akanishi shook his head, “Koki fed me.”
Minutes later, they were seated across each other at the table. Ueda was sitting lotus-style while Akanishi left leg was bended over and the other one propped over the next seat. An elderly lady in knitted sweater and pencil-cut skirt placed glasses, bowl of ice and two wine bottles on the table. She smiled at Akanishi and he tried to return it.
Akanishi waited for her to leave the room, “Who’s she?”
“She was my nanny when I was a kid. I’ll be bringing her to Canada with me.”
Akanishi was flicking his first, empty beer can, making an irritating noise. “Does Rina even know that you’re sick?”
Ueda massaged his fingers as his eyes trailed over the melting ice on his glass. “…No.”
Akanishi cursed and Ueda flinched at that. “You’re hurting her. That’s not cool. If you’re doing this so you’ll look cool, I’m telling you, you are being very stupid.” Akanishi wanted to punch him. His voice was shaking. He hated winter so much.
“You’ll go to Canada and die there with just a fucking nanny by your side?” Akanishi flinched at his own words. He was never the type to think before speaking.
Ueda smile to himself, unmindful what the other just said, “I’ll be staying near an estate where I have some distant relatives.”
“And so? Fuck. Why are you being stupid, Tat-chan?”
Ueda opened his mouth but closed it again. He massaged his fingers, knuckles then his wrists; his eyes closed.
“I won't last long, Jin.” Ueda leaned back, his blonde hair, sparkling under the bright chandelier over them. His pale skin melted into the light, meeting and dancing with the soft dazzle of his hair.
Akanishi leaned down, his fringe hovering his eyes.
“I needed chemo for a long time now but I refused to, ever since. I want to stay lively and I want to keep my hair.” He laughed and Akanishi shook his head.
“As of now, I just know of the one in my colon. But I know there’s more. Three years top, Jin. I don’t even know.” He paused, “I’ll be giving my all on this concert.” He said and reached for the pack of Salem on the table. “Can I have some?”
“No. You’re sick.” Akanishi spat, his eyes quivering.
“Don’t cry on me, Jin.” Ueda reached forward and touched his hand for a second. “I haven’t had any of these for years.” He smiled and Akanishi didn’t say anything anymore.
“I want Rina to start moving on with her life now. I don’t want for her to see me die, mourn and then have difficulties in moving on. Isn’t that better, Jin? You have a wife. You know what I mean.” He said, as he puffed out. Hazy smoke shrouded his face, and the smell made Akanishi’s stomach churn. It was like he was seeing his friend die.
“No. I’m the possessive type. I’ll die with her.” Akanishi covered his face with his sweaty palms.
Ueda smiled at him, “That’s your charm.” Another puff.
Akanishi reached for a stick for himself, and inhaled, deep. Exhaling everything.
“Tat-chan, come with me instead. I’ll look for a good hospital in San Jose.” Akanishi’s eyes spoke far more. “My family will take care of you.”
“Thank you, Jin. Thank you,” Ueda murmured. “But everything has been settled.”
Akanishi decided that crying was not a good thing to do as of the moment. He sniffed before bringing his head up.
“How about your band?” Akanishi asked in a desperate attempt to change the topic. “What will be your press release then?” He added, emptying another can in the process.
“Indefinite hiatus.” Ueda raised an eyebrow at him. Another puff.
“People still buy that?” And they both laughed. Another puff, another can.
As the night went on, Akanishi refused to think about tomorrow, about seven years ago, about Canada and Tokyo Dome. It was a night with an old friend who will never die and is forever young and beautiful, just like their dreams and songs of hope and faith.
***
Forty minutes before show time and Akanishi was running late. He still has to check if they found the boots for his solo and to see if all costumes were set and ready to go and were arranged properly in the costume rack of each member.
He turned around the corner, almost colliding with several running Juniors. They bowed to him briefly before running past him, heading to their starting position, he guessed.
The backstage was cramped for this concert. Though there were less Juniors participating now, there was quite a number of media people who had backstage pass. The photobook staff were lurking at every corner, taking snapshots of everyone and everything while the DVD staff, on the other hand, were following Nakamaru all day long. Oh how times changed, Akanishi thought.
He entered the room and saw Kamenashi inside, sitting at one of dressers, smoking, his bare feet dangling.
He ignored him and went to the clothes’ rack and started arranging his costumes per number.
“Hey.” Kamenashi said, softly.
Akanishi only answered him when he finally found which boots are which. “What?”
“I just have to tell you now before we fuck up the MC later. I’m going to legally adopt Keita. And he’ll die not knowing you.” He jumped to his feet.
“He’s still my son and I have my own ways, Kame.” Akanishi stood up from beneath the shoe rack.
Akanishi went to the other dresser across the room and mussed on his get up, flattened his hair, attempted to curl the ends and then gave up.
“You fucking left them. You’re good as dead.” Kamenashi walked towards him, hands on his pocket.
Akanishi leaned on his palms, shifting all his weight on his arms, his eyes locked with Kamenashi’s over the reflection on the mirror. “Don’t assume things, Kamenashi. You have no idea what happened.”
“You left her.”
“I have to. You know that.”
“You did not return. You married someone instead.” Kamenashi seethed.
Akanishi pushed himself to stand straight and he faced Kamenashi.
“I’m happy for you and Reiko. I am, Kame. I really am.”
“Just getting what was rightfully mine in the first place.”
Akanishi closed his eyes. He doesn’t want to deal with this right now. “It’s been what, 9 years already? Get over it, Kame.”
“No. Shit, Jin. She cheated on me because of you. I let her go. You had a child with her. You fucking left her.”
“No, Kame. No.” Akanishi massaged the bridge of his nose.
He couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t hear the PA system, the ADs and other staff outside, shouting and ordering people to get in position, making sure of this and that; he couldn’t even hear their own song playing outside the room as few Juniors practiced along the corridor. He tuned it out; it was only Kamenashi and him - just like before, just like always.
“The plan was for her to follow me and we’ll settle down there,” Akanishi backed a little until he can lean on the edge of the dresser.
“But she never came. I knew she was hesitant about everything - us, Keita, me. I let her go.” He looked down and studied his fingers.
“We both knew we wouldn’t last long together. It was just a matter of time. She’ll never be able to keep up with my pace.” He smiled more to himself before raising his head to meet Kamenashi’s eyes.
“She chose you. I was just a fling.”
“You had a child with her. She loved you.”
“He’s yours as well now. She loves you.”
Kamenashi’s eyes were darting, “I’ll still adopt Keita.”
“But I’m still his father. My day will come.”
Akanishi stood up straight, he stretched his hand towards Kamenashi, “Congratulations, I know Reiko made the right decision. I know you’ll be a good husband and father, Kazuya.”
Kamenashi stared at his hand for a second before accepting it. “You’re invited. Please bring your family.” And then, he smiled.
They shook hands; it was terse, awkward, unsure, and tense just like it had always been, just like their relationship, Akanishi thought. But despite everything - punches, curses, lies and loves - they always still end up somewhere private, zoning out with the rest of the world and meeting half-way and saying regretful things in which they never felt regretful about.
***
“Gather around!” Kamenashi shouted and everyone did so. 15 minutes before curtain.
It was hot and cramped in this little space. They were under directly the stage. A small makeshift metal stair was behind Kamenashi. The air was thick and Akanishi felt the adrenaline rushing in his system. It was like 2006 again and the same pressure of success was a burden to all of them.
Akanishi stood beside Nakamaru, who seemed to be praying on bended knees. He glanced around the cramped space and saw tired, nervous faces. Everyone - Juniors, staff, members themselves - was sweating, moving around and eyes darting.
Akanishi closed his eyes and tried to ignore his heart beating, its echo and how it resonated. He ignored his sweaty palms and how blood rushed in his head. He tried to focus on remembering the lyrics, the steps, the choreography, the lights and the sounds.
They cannot afford anything less than perfection for tonight.
Kamenashi raised his hand to signal the DVD and photobook staff to stop recording and taking pictures.
Kamenashi rubbed his hands together. “Okay! You know your positions,” Kamenashi started, finger pointing at two Juniors at the side, “Niigata and Yuu, remember to wait for the red light before - ”
“Kame.” Taguchi stepped forward, cutting Kamenashi.
“What?” Kamenashi blinked, he was taken aback by Taguchi’s interruption. Akanishi stood straight and stared at Taguchi, who was shuffling his feet.
“Junno?” Kamenashi asked, forehead creased. The time was ticking and they didn’t have time for this.
“Can I say something?” Taguchi’s voice was stern.
Akanishi blinked and searched for the eyes of Kamenashi. Their eyes locked and the other sighed and stepped back. “Alright.”
Taguchi inhaled then smiled. He aged, just like everyone, as seen with the lines around his eyes but his youth was still clear in his eyes - glistening and bright.
“I never do this. Speaking, I mean. Ever since KAT-TUN was formed, I always let the other members make the decisions,” He started. “We have always been a difficult group. But I never regretted it that I was… I am part of KAT-TUN.”
“I just want to say that I’m happy. Very happy,” He paused and closed his eyes.
“Because I never thought that I’ll be able to see you guys ever again. That I’ll never be able to perform with you.”
He looked at the other members, smiling.
“I’m retired, just like most of you. I never thought I’d step in a stage ever again as a performer. I’m a normal salary man now. Game designer by weekdays and pro-pool player during the weekends. But see, I’m here. With you guys.”
Akanishi’s heart sunk. Akanishi wished Taguchi would stop there.
“I’m happy. I will perform along side Kame again. Our boss.”
Kamenashi stepped further back until he hit the first step of the stairs.
“He left the music industry and started working behind the camera but he’s back in the stage with us. I admire Kame so much,” He paused, and looked behind him, smiling at Kamenashi.
“During mornings, he talks to sponsors, business partners, producers, directors but by night time, he practices like he was still sixteen and was a back-up dancer in Tackey-kun’s concert. I thought I’d never be able to work with such a professional and talented man ever again.”
Kamenashi’s fringe covered his eyes, his hands gathered together and he nodded at no one in particular.
They heard the cheers of excitement and anticipation of the audience but no one said a thing. Akanishi had his hands covering his face. He did not expect this from Taguchi.
“Even Jin is back.”
Akanishi’s breath hitched.
“He worked so hard for this concert. He made new arrangements to our old songs. He composed new ones. He and Kame fought every day with set lists, lighting, everything. I never thought I’ll never be able to hear Jin sing again or even his insults, but he’s here. And I’m so happy. Jin has always been my favorite.”
Akanishi looked at the ceiling. He can’t cry now. He has to reach some serious notes in the opening song.
“And Koki,” Tanaka suddenly sat on his heels and bowed his head, murmuring, “No. no, no. Fuck, no Junno.”
“I... don’t know what to say.” Taguchi laughed, two drops of tears rolled down his cheek.
“I gave up on my dream of us performing together. I don’t care about it anymore. I… I just want to see you again. I thought everything has ended then. But you’re here,” Taguchi clutched the edge of his shirt and played with the sequins.
“Loud as ever, like we never grew up. Still very nice and very patient.” Taguchi had his head down, refusing to look at anyone.
Kamenashi was leaning on the stair’s railing, back hunched.
“And there’s Maru,” Nakamaru exhaled deeply and turned his back at everyone else, pressing his forehead against the wall. “Our Maru, who refused the chance of a Hollywood movie debut because of filming conflicts with our rehearsals. Maru has always been here for us. Always been. He never failed us. Our Maru who loves KAT-TUN more than anyone else…”
When Nakamaru’s shoulder started shaking, Akanishi placed an arm over him.
“I know Tat-chan is happy.” And Taguchi stopped there. Just like everything else.
Taguchi smiled, river of tears flowed from his bright eyes.
Akanishi can’t take it anymore; he exhaled and let go. He felt Nakamaru hugging him on his side, wet tears trickling down his arm, hands clutching the edge of his shirt.
“Things might not go according to plan, but it’s our hearts that matters.” Taguchi said, searching the faces of everyone in the room.
Tanaka stood up and started jumping on his feet and rubbing his palms on his face. Kamenashi sat on the stairs and tried to even out his breathing.
A couple of Juniors were crying beside them. Several lady staff members were hugging each other. The rest had their heads lowered or sniffing discreetly. The cheers outside were getting louder and louder by the minute.
Akanishi heaved deeply and tried not to think much.
“This concert was supposed to be for March but it’s June already. Even Kame’s wedding has been moved,” Taguchi’s eyes were quivering; he had to momentarily bite his lip before continuing.
Kamenashi buried his head on his arms.
“The plan was for KAT-TUN to have a reunion concert, to say good-bye to the fans. For Tat-chan. B-but he… well, things didn’t go according to plan.” Taguchi continued, smiling even if his voice was croaking.
“But it’s alright. This is what he wanted. For us to come together. To perform together. As a group. He’s with us. He is. Tat-chan is.” Taguchi’s breath was labored, his hands wiping his tears.
“He doesn’t like it when I cry.” He laughed. “He doesn’t like it when Koki kicks me. But he lets Jin bully Maru. And always favors with Kame.” Taguchi trailed off, “I’ll miss you Tat-chan.”
Taguchi lowered his head.
A minute had passed and no one said a thing, no one dared to break it. The cheers were loud and it was hard to ignore it.
Tanaka had his hands over his mouth, his eyes downcast and distant. A towel was covering Nakamaru’s head, his shoulders still shaking. Akanishi leaned against the wall as he pictured on his mind the faces of his daughter and wife, the beach, his dogs and his new bike.
“Alright.” Kamenashi’s husky voice came to their senses. He walked towards Taguchi and placed an arm over him. Taguchi peeked from his bangs and looked at him. Kamenashi smiled at him, grasping his shoulder tight.
“Alright.” Kamenashi closed his eyes and repeated.
“Alright.” He heaved and repeated again.
By the time he opened his eyes, he saw everyone looking at him.
“Alright.” Kamenashi held his head high.
“This is for Ueda Tatsuya. For the fans. For KAT-TUN’s 15 years in the industry. This is our good-bye to our fans, to everyone.”
Nakamaru removed the towel, his eyes still closed. He bit his lip and heaved deeply.
“We will make them remember this night even after thirty years. We will make them regret everything they had said.”
Tanaka nodded at that, eyes still wet.
“We will prove to them that no one, not one soul can dampen KAT-TUN.” Kamenashi almost seethed, his hands at his sides shaking.Taguchi wiped his tears and looked at Kamenashi with a small smile.
“We will rock this night.” Kamenashi said, breathless. It was almost a whisper but everyone heard him clearly.
Akanishi clutched his heart.
“It’s show time.”
***