I used to sit all alone in the dark, and dream about things I cannot say...
THIS IS FOR EVERYONE. PLEASE READ.
I still want to be friends with everyone. I am still trying to figure out the Leslie thing. That should not affect our friendship. What happens between us, stays between us. I would like for whatever impressions you have made in the past few days based on what you have seen, to be removed from your mind, as you only see part of the picture. And again what happens is between us.
I get off work early tomorrow, and I will be off Saturday but I am pretty sure my plans will follow through. Sunday begins several months of in and out of port for me, so I will only have weekends here and there. I will try to keep everyone updated via LJ.
That being said, if you must hold what has been said against me, please tell me so that I know how we stand. I enjoy all of your company, so I would be disappointed.
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I've been coming to terms with myself lately. I have become so insecure and nervous. I am always anxious about everything, where I used to not care. I'm worried I am boring mostly. I was never boring. Well sometimes, but I didn't care that I was.
Along with that I have been questioning things I should never question. About myself mostly. And I have lost so much faith.
There is this great person just sitting there, being great, and then there's me who won't open up or trust the way I should, the way I want to. I hate that things can be so devastating. I also have things which I must say but I cannot for fear of worthless drama. It never ends up anywhere anyway.
Our main bathroom's toilet seat sits at a precarious 89.9° when you put it up. What this means is that mid-stream the toilet seat has some chance of falling, and instead of dealing with a small mess, you naturally reach for it. Girls have it so much better.
Saw Çøns†an†ine today, that movie is ridiculously awesome! Added to my top movies for sure. I love movies like that, Bless the Child, Stigmata. All should see if they have not.
I now know that it is better to be hurt by someone because they do not want what you want even though you want them to have what they want, than to be hurt by someone who cares more about getting what they want and is willing to hurt you to do so. Although it is easier to do the latter.
I get so tired of pain. Not physical pain, emotional and heart-pain. It's so worthless when it doesn't get you anywhere. I know the age-old saying: "what doesn't kill ya, makes ya stronger," but all it feels like is that it is breaking me down.
Most people will never see how bitter-angry I am. I keep it bottled up inside, because I almost did some very bad things when I let it out. And at work which would've made it that much worse.
Anyway I don't hold my breath anymore, for much of anything. And I hate that I do that, but I do. Why have faith in something when it has never proved itself, even though I've tried a thousand times.
I have experienced so much of my life alone. Even in the presence of others, and I know that other people feel this way. I wish that I could look back at all those times and see someone next to me. I remember walking on the beach at the night, hearing the crash of the waves and just letting go. Running through the rain. Dancing even though I cannot and there is no music. No one can tell me what I cannot do. And concerts.
Speaking of which I will hopefully be going to D/C concert up North-ish in one of the few days I will be in port at the end of this month. We'll see. Dashboard is to die for.
I DDR today, I still suck even after years, but then I don't do it regularly at all and that's my excuse. Anyway I really do enjoy the same songs over and over so I'm okay with it. The significance of this is that my knees seem to be doing okay. I wear a knee brace on and off, and my right knee is still supersensitive if you know where to touch it.
-Ben
I still want to be friends with everyone. I am still trying to figure out the Leslie thing. That should not affect our friendship. What happens between us, stays between us. I would like for whatever impressions you have made in the past few days based on what you have seen, to be removed from your mind, as you only see part of the picture. And again what happens is between us.
I get off work early tomorrow, and I will be off Saturday but I am pretty sure my plans will follow through. Sunday begins several months of in and out of port for me, so I will only have weekends here and there. I will try to keep everyone updated via LJ.
That being said, if you must hold what has been said against me, please tell me so that I know how we stand. I enjoy all of your company, so I would be disappointed.
I've been coming to terms with myself lately. I have become so insecure and nervous. I am always anxious about everything, where I used to not care. I'm worried I am boring mostly. I was never boring. Well sometimes, but I didn't care that I was.
Along with that I have been questioning things I should never question. About myself mostly. And I have lost so much faith.
There is this great person just sitting there, being great, and then there's me who won't open up or trust the way I should, the way I want to. I hate that things can be so devastating. I also have things which I must say but I cannot for fear of worthless drama. It never ends up anywhere anyway.
Our main bathroom's toilet seat sits at a precarious 89.9° when you put it up. What this means is that mid-stream the toilet seat has some chance of falling, and instead of dealing with a small mess, you naturally reach for it. Girls have it so much better.
Saw Çøns†an†ine today, that movie is ridiculously awesome! Added to my top movies for sure. I love movies like that, Bless the Child, Stigmata. All should see if they have not.
I now know that it is better to be hurt by someone because they do not want what you want even though you want them to have what they want, than to be hurt by someone who cares more about getting what they want and is willing to hurt you to do so. Although it is easier to do the latter.
I get so tired of pain. Not physical pain, emotional and heart-pain. It's so worthless when it doesn't get you anywhere. I know the age-old saying: "what doesn't kill ya, makes ya stronger," but all it feels like is that it is breaking me down.
Most people will never see how bitter-angry I am. I keep it bottled up inside, because I almost did some very bad things when I let it out. And at work which would've made it that much worse.
Anyway I don't hold my breath anymore, for much of anything. And I hate that I do that, but I do. Why have faith in something when it has never proved itself, even though I've tried a thousand times.
I have experienced so much of my life alone. Even in the presence of others, and I know that other people feel this way. I wish that I could look back at all those times and see someone next to me. I remember walking on the beach at the night, hearing the crash of the waves and just letting go. Running through the rain. Dancing even though I cannot and there is no music. No one can tell me what I cannot do. And concerts.
Speaking of which I will hopefully be going to D/C concert up North-ish in one of the few days I will be in port at the end of this month. We'll see. Dashboard is to die for.
I DDR today, I still suck even after years, but then I don't do it regularly at all and that's my excuse. Anyway I really do enjoy the same songs over and over so I'm okay with it. The significance of this is that my knees seem to be doing okay. I wear a knee brace on and off, and my right knee is still supersensitive if you know where to touch it.
-Ben