A lot of run-on sentences
I feel like there is something missing, and the more I think about it, the more I feel that it is my confidence.
Since the beginning of the year, I've been extremely confident, and never doubted myself, not once. I knew that I was capable of a lot of things, if I set my mind to them, if I really wanted it badly enough.
I don't want to blame this on the breakup, but it did affect me, as much as I tried to deny that it did. I tried hiding it, playing it tough, and I did a damn good job of it for a while, but eventually I had to crack, and I knew that it was coming.
And suddenly, I'm looking at myself differently. I'm noticing every flaw, when just two months ago I thought I was pretty. In fact, I used to think I was beautiful, inside and out, but that is changing. I'm finding myself less interesting when I used to think that I could relate to anybody. I now think that I'm less appealing, and that no new person in their right mind would want to initiate a conversation with me because I just look like I have nothing of value to say. I'm starting to automatically detest any pretty, skinny girl I see walk by, any girl that lives freely, because she is happier than me, I feel that she is better than me, I feel that I cannot compete with somebody like that. Ahhh teen angst.
Lately, I'm this new person who is either too inhibited and awkward or absolutely crazy in a crowd (take last night at the show). But I don't like this new person, I don't want to be this new person. I like the crazy person. But not the inhibited person, and I feel like that's what I'm becoming more and more, every second. I couldn't fall asleep last night, and I feel that it's because I knew that there was something missing, something not quite right, and I thought about it all night, trying to figure out what it was. It was only until I opened up this webpage to start my complaints that I discovered it was something deeper than any event or a particular person.
I want to go back to those 45 minutes where I did nothing but dance to loud punk music, so loud I felt like I was underwater when they were done, because right then, at that moment, I felt like I was seventeen and alive and happy.