Playing my Cello in the Woods
So, in keeping with my reputation for watching movies no one else has seen/heard of (like The Tie That Binds, Cord, and Trapped, where Daryl Hannah, Jennifer Tilly and Courtney Love all play homicidal child/fetus kidnappers!), today I watched three horror movies that weren't scary. I was having artist's block, so I stopped my art project and tried to get inspired by pop culture. Plus...Crispin Glover's live showing of What is it? was sold out...
First up was Cello. It's an "Asia Extreme" horror movie. Meaning it's 85 minutes but plays out like 114. It was ok, but I kinda wanted it to be as schlock-tastic as the cover, with a bloody, rope covered cello and a bloody chick looking around for her bow. But, it was actually decent, kind of like The Ring or The Eye, but with actual bloodshed. There's the cutest little girl in it, but she's also kind of annoying in her cuteness, so her sister kills her. The female body count outways the male, I guess because cellos are more of a feminine instrument?
Venom is a Voodoo slasher film. It's Voodoo because it's in a swamp town and they throw around words like 'Loa' and 'Mambo' and light an insane amount of candles. The villain is a zombie who runs fast, but uses a crowbar and a towtruck as his weapons. Yeah. Only interesting part was the two mallrats imploring their gay friend to go to the mall with them: "Come on, Ricky: we'll drop you off at Abercrombie!" Being gay, he's dead within 10 minutes.
The Woods is by someone who was responsible for May, the weird little film about a girl with doll and scissor fetishes. This movie is also little and weird. I'd watch Patricia Clarkson act in anything, and this was way better than her crappy Native-American-wooden-Reindeer-monster flick, Wendingo (NEVER rent that!). Bruce Campbell actually acts, but he's still funny just by being in the movie. There's a good cat fight, and lots of catty snipes all around ("How many football players stuck it in you before your mother decided she didn't want a tramp around the house any more?"), since it's in a girls school that's in a haunted woods. And one woman has a creepy head twitch.
So, yeah. None of 'em really added up to a whole lot. I wouldn't recommend them, really. I'd recommend The Tie That Binds, Cord(as in umbilical) and Trapped! They're not scary, either, but at least were memorable in some way.
First up was Cello. It's an "Asia Extreme" horror movie. Meaning it's 85 minutes but plays out like 114. It was ok, but I kinda wanted it to be as schlock-tastic as the cover, with a bloody, rope covered cello and a bloody chick looking around for her bow. But, it was actually decent, kind of like The Ring or The Eye, but with actual bloodshed. There's the cutest little girl in it, but she's also kind of annoying in her cuteness, so her sister kills her. The female body count outways the male, I guess because cellos are more of a feminine instrument?
Venom is a Voodoo slasher film. It's Voodoo because it's in a swamp town and they throw around words like 'Loa' and 'Mambo' and light an insane amount of candles. The villain is a zombie who runs fast, but uses a crowbar and a towtruck as his weapons. Yeah. Only interesting part was the two mallrats imploring their gay friend to go to the mall with them: "Come on, Ricky: we'll drop you off at Abercrombie!" Being gay, he's dead within 10 minutes.
The Woods is by someone who was responsible for May, the weird little film about a girl with doll and scissor fetishes. This movie is also little and weird. I'd watch Patricia Clarkson act in anything, and this was way better than her crappy Native-American-wooden-Reindeer-monster flick, Wendingo (NEVER rent that!). Bruce Campbell actually acts, but he's still funny just by being in the movie. There's a good cat fight, and lots of catty snipes all around ("How many football players stuck it in you before your mother decided she didn't want a tramp around the house any more?"), since it's in a girls school that's in a haunted woods. And one woman has a creepy head twitch.
So, yeah. None of 'em really added up to a whole lot. I wouldn't recommend them, really. I'd recommend The Tie That Binds, Cord(as in umbilical) and Trapped! They're not scary, either, but at least were memorable in some way.