Pictures - A Series on Love and Loss (2/4)
Title: But I Wonder if I’ll Ever Change my Ways
Author: craiglockdhart
Pairings: KiChul, Eunhae
Rating: PG
Warnings: Cross-dressing, infidelity, !fail historical knowledge
Summary: Kibum and Heechul try to right some wrongs, including their own.
Author’s Note: More Kichul action, Eunhae is downplayed here because I can't write something fitting enough for them :(
Previous parts:
A Prelude - Kichul, Qmi, Eunhae, Kangteuk, Sihan
Living My Life in a Slow Hell - Qmi
We throw away too many things for love.
Our pride, our sanity, our common sense.
If we keep believing that love will see us through,
Tell me then, how long more do I need to hurt?
-K.B
“My Lord, you’re back.”
“Donghae, why did you wait up for me? I told you not to.”
“It’s alright… I was just doing some needlework. It’s good to see you back.”, The seated figure tried not to wrinkle his nose at the heavy scent of another woman’s perfume and rogue on Hyukjae, “I’ll run the bath for you.”
“Thank you Donghae.”
“It’s my duty.”, The figure stood up and gracefully made his way to the door of the bath.
“That’s Lee Donghae.”
“The woman?”
“The one dressed like a woman, yes. He’s Lee Hyukjae’s first wife - if you’d like to call him that.”, Kibum answered, “Lee Hyukjae’s just come back from a whorehouse.”
“Bastard.”
“Times are different, hyung. Men pretty much have any license to do what they wish and nobody as much as bats an eyelid. Women, on the other hand, are treated as commodities. It says here that Lee Hyukjae’s family is somewhat related to the royal family, and that puts him at a very high standing. He has three wives, Donghae being the first, and the other two simply bestowed upon him by the emperor himself.”
“If its that great being a man in this dynasty then what’s Lee Donghae doing prancing around in a woman’s get-up?”
Kibum looked at Heechul silently for a while, then went back to watching Donghae prepare Hyukjae’s bath.
“Why have you gone all silent on me, Kim Kibum?”, Heechul demanded.
“You’d just scoff at me if I told you anyway.”
“Why would I?”
“Because you’d like to think that you don’t believe in love. And you’d pretend to turn up your nose at the fact that Lee Donghae has given up all his rights to be treated as lowly as cattle, living his life in a lie because he loves Lee Hyukjae.”
“And you think you know what’s love, Kibum? Is this love when one pines while the other does things to hurt him over and over again? I haven’t read their files, but I do know that this Hyukjae guy, royalty or not, is an A class jerk for marrying him and leaving him to languish here.”
“What do you know, hyung? I do most of the pining anyway.”, Kibum retorted defiantly, “You are one to talk about A class jerks.”
“I never asked you to follow me. You could have gone on...”
“So now you admit that everything that happened between us was real? Not just a figment of my own imagination like you’ve been trying to pretend? ”
“I haven’t been pretending!”
“You’re lying! You keep pushing me away as though I’m some sort of contagious disease, you treat me coldly and you act like I don’t exist half the time.”
“Just… let’s not discuss this Kibum.”
“Yeah, yeah, why not just shelve the whole issue because we have all of eternity to deal with it, don’t we? Where is the old Kim Heechul? The one who was affectionate, loud and obnoxious but still managed to make people love him, care for him? Where…”
“Kibum.”, Heechul interjected sharply before he could go on further, “I promise you we will talk about this after we’re done here. Now tell me what’s the issue.”
“Fine.”, Kibum nodded.
They met at a countryside when Hyukjae was out on one of his trips. Donghae was but a poor orphan living in a nearby village when Hyukjae stumbled upon him. They had some good times, and Hyukjae had promised to be back for Donghae.
“And so naturally it followed that they would have passionate, rough sex on the fields and Hyukjae magically comes back with a woman and announcing that he wants to marry her?”
“Glad to see you haven’t lost some of your old wit.”, Kibum sniggered, “Truth is, they did have some wild sex after a bout of drinking, but it was after that that Hyukjae realized he had fallen for Donghae. But it was only until his mother passed away did Hyukjae propose marriage.”
“And how did he do it?”
“He’s related to the Emperor’s favorite son. And by some way he managed to get the Emperor’s consent before his own family to marry a girl who seemed to have come from nowhere, bearing no dowry and having seemingly no past.”
“Then what the fuck is he up to now?”
“He’s an official… and a man. It’s supposed to be normal.”
“And Donghae?”
“Tonight is the night that he commits suicide, and Hyukjae doesn’t know Donghae is dead because Donghae hurries out in male clothing and drowns himself in the river. The next day some people find the body, but the news goes unnoticed because the whole town is in a frenzy over the disappearance of the Lee household’s first wife.”
“How do we fit in here, Kibum? I’m not seeing the point.”
“The complication here, hyung, is that Lee Hyukjae is an undiagnosed schizophrenic. His illness is unheard of in this time, and you’re seeing him on a good day here.”
“What’s a bad day then?”
“Bonds, whips and a lot of bruises. Generally he comes home drunk and smelling worse than he does now - tonight he’s only been entertaining, not fucking random girls he has no recollection of in the morning.”
“So in that twisted mind of his he doesn’t realize he’s a man-slut?”
“Lee Hyukjae believes that he’s only faithful to his first wife and regards the other two with only respect, never affection.”
“How long has this been going on for?”
“They’ve been married three years now.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand you.”, Hyukjae looks at Kibum with puzzlement, “You’re saying there’s someone else living inside me?”
Kibum nods, trying not to notice the fact that he’s standing in front of a buck naked Hyukjae soaked in a tub while trying to convince him that no, he isn’t an assassin, and neither is he mad. The other man seems convinced of the possibility that someone could come from the future and first listens to what Kibum has to say with interest, then utter horror which faded away to disbelief.
“So what am I supposed to do? Kill him?”
“You can’t kill him without killing yourself.”
“And what if I don’t believe you? I can get my guards to… Wha… Where are you?”
“Right here.”, Kibum reappears behind him, “You see, your guards can’t do anything to me. I come and go as I please, and if you want proof, watch -”
The scene that unfolds before Hyukjae’s eyes, as though magically in the air, makes Hyukjae sick to the stomach. He sees himself with tools of all sorts - tools he never even knew he owned, that hurt Donghae so badly as blood and bruises begin to form on the body he loved so much. He hears Donghae’s pleas for mercy as he strains against the bonds that bind him, and he hears his own cruel voice laughing maniacally and moving forward to claim Donghae, tearing into him as he screams and cries. He sees the burns and the scars that Donghae hides under the cumbersome maiden’s attire, and Hyukjae feels like he is about the empty the contents of his dinner onto the floor.
“I’m here to offer you a way out.”
“And what may that be?”, Hyukjae asks in a weak voice.
“I can’t tell you. But tonight Donghae will finally decide that enough is enough. He’s going to fling himself off the South bridge as soon as he sees you’re asleep.”
“He can’t…”
“Would staying alive be better, Lee Hyukjae? Staying alive, pretending to be a woman, living with you and your illness? And imagine him having to go off somewhere to die just so nobody realizes the truth when they pick up his body.”, Kibum answers cruelly, “And its not like you’re going to treat him any better if we stop him from killing himself.”
“I…”, Hyukjae falls silent as he realizes that there is nothing he can do to control himself when the illness hits.
“These, are called sleeping pills. There’s nobody in your time that can possibly remedy its effects. Taking two will give you a good night’s rest.”, Kibum hands Hyukjae a small packet, “You can take two, pretend this is a bad dream, and have a good night’s sleep, or you could…”, Kibum’s voice fades away as he too disappears.
“Hey!”
Donghae jumps as he sees an orange haired man sitting on the bridge. He is dressed extremely strangely and his locks make him look almost effeminate, but the way he sits, upright with legs spread, and his low voice, says otherwise.
“Mighty fine night to be dying, don’t you think?”
“How did you…”
“Kim Heechul, alien from the future”, Heechul winks at him, “Lee Donghae.”
“Are you here to die too?”
Heechul can’t help but let out a small laugh at Donghae’s innocent question, “Die? I can’t even remember when was the last time I was human. And aren’t you going to ask me anything else?”
“There’s no point. You’re mad too. The whole world’s gone mad. I’m just here to get away from it.”
“I’m here to let you know that it doesn’t end here.”, Heechul moves closer to Donghae, “It continues. And it might be worse.”
“There’s nothing worse than the life I’m leading now.”, Donghae replies.
“You seem ready to go then?”
“Almost… Just almost.”
“You miss him already, don’t you?”, Heechul stretches out a hand to help Donghae up to where he’s sitting, and Donghae readily accepts, “Sometimes I miss him too, even though he’s with me all the time. But we’re not the same anymore.”
Donghae stares at Heechul for a while, then opens his mouth to speak, “Is he mad too?”
“Mad?”, Heechul thinks for a while, “I don’t know. I suppose we all are.”
“I really wonder sometimes if any good comes out of our job.”, Kibum says as he watches Hyukjae stare at the pills, seemingly dumbfounded.
“We make things better. We offer them the prospect of an eternal life in bliss.”
“We simply help them to die, as though death were the answer to everything.”
“Would there be a better solution? Can you leave them to roam aimless all alone?”, Heechul asks the younger man, “Maybe you’re right, we should be called grim reapers, not angels of any sort. Angel - that’s too beautiful a name for people like us who do such dirty jobs.”
“Hyung, you hardly sound so sensible.”, Kibum manages a small laugh.
“Hey, it takes balls to die you know.”
“I know. Thank you hyung.”
“What are you thanking me for?”
“For having the balls… for me.”
Heechul fights the urge to both slap and cuddle the younger man. He had warned Kibum not to talk about this, ever, and they had avoided the subject as much as possible. But somehow in the course of today something changed, and Heechul can’t pinpoint what.
“Alright young man, get up. We have a rainbow to paint and four more to kill before we get down to serious business…”, Heechul stands up and makes his way to the South bridge.
Kibum doesn’t miss the hidden meaning in Heechul’s words as he hurries after him.
The heat of the summer sun beats down upon a young man picking strawberries and tossing them into a basket. Still, the sun doesn’t seem to get to him as he whistles merrily, stopping to admire a flower or two. Mentally, he ponders whether to make a strawberry pie or keep it for jam and cookies.
“Donghae!”, a familiar warm presence at his neck shocks the man out of his reverie.
“Hyukjae.”, He answers, enjoying his lover’s affections.
“Strawberry pie?”
“Yes, strawberry pie.”, Donghae decides, “And you’re helping me!”
“Anything for you, my love.”
Hyukjae thinks he sees a familiar figure lingering behind the bushes, watching the two lovers walk to their shared cottage, fingers interlacing with each other. Two men - there’s no need to hide now, for there is no one watching, no one judging, no one ready with cruel words and misguided intentions.
Only them, and perhaps a guardian angel watching their backs.
Author: craiglockdhart
Pairings: KiChul, Eunhae
Rating: PG
Warnings: Cross-dressing, infidelity, !fail historical knowledge
Summary: Kibum and Heechul try to right some wrongs, including their own.
Author’s Note: More Kichul action, Eunhae is downplayed here because I can't write something fitting enough for them :(
Previous parts:
A Prelude - Kichul, Qmi, Eunhae, Kangteuk, Sihan
Living My Life in a Slow Hell - Qmi
We throw away too many things for love.
Our pride, our sanity, our common sense.
If we keep believing that love will see us through,
Tell me then, how long more do I need to hurt?
-K.B
“My Lord, you’re back.”
“Donghae, why did you wait up for me? I told you not to.”
“It’s alright… I was just doing some needlework. It’s good to see you back.”, The seated figure tried not to wrinkle his nose at the heavy scent of another woman’s perfume and rogue on Hyukjae, “I’ll run the bath for you.”
“Thank you Donghae.”
“It’s my duty.”, The figure stood up and gracefully made his way to the door of the bath.
“That’s Lee Donghae.”
“The woman?”
“The one dressed like a woman, yes. He’s Lee Hyukjae’s first wife - if you’d like to call him that.”, Kibum answered, “Lee Hyukjae’s just come back from a whorehouse.”
“Bastard.”
“Times are different, hyung. Men pretty much have any license to do what they wish and nobody as much as bats an eyelid. Women, on the other hand, are treated as commodities. It says here that Lee Hyukjae’s family is somewhat related to the royal family, and that puts him at a very high standing. He has three wives, Donghae being the first, and the other two simply bestowed upon him by the emperor himself.”
“If its that great being a man in this dynasty then what’s Lee Donghae doing prancing around in a woman’s get-up?”
Kibum looked at Heechul silently for a while, then went back to watching Donghae prepare Hyukjae’s bath.
“Why have you gone all silent on me, Kim Kibum?”, Heechul demanded.
“You’d just scoff at me if I told you anyway.”
“Why would I?”
“Because you’d like to think that you don’t believe in love. And you’d pretend to turn up your nose at the fact that Lee Donghae has given up all his rights to be treated as lowly as cattle, living his life in a lie because he loves Lee Hyukjae.”
“And you think you know what’s love, Kibum? Is this love when one pines while the other does things to hurt him over and over again? I haven’t read their files, but I do know that this Hyukjae guy, royalty or not, is an A class jerk for marrying him and leaving him to languish here.”
“What do you know, hyung? I do most of the pining anyway.”, Kibum retorted defiantly, “You are one to talk about A class jerks.”
“I never asked you to follow me. You could have gone on...”
“So now you admit that everything that happened between us was real? Not just a figment of my own imagination like you’ve been trying to pretend? ”
“I haven’t been pretending!”
“You’re lying! You keep pushing me away as though I’m some sort of contagious disease, you treat me coldly and you act like I don’t exist half the time.”
“Just… let’s not discuss this Kibum.”
“Yeah, yeah, why not just shelve the whole issue because we have all of eternity to deal with it, don’t we? Where is the old Kim Heechul? The one who was affectionate, loud and obnoxious but still managed to make people love him, care for him? Where…”
“Kibum.”, Heechul interjected sharply before he could go on further, “I promise you we will talk about this after we’re done here. Now tell me what’s the issue.”
“Fine.”, Kibum nodded.
They met at a countryside when Hyukjae was out on one of his trips. Donghae was but a poor orphan living in a nearby village when Hyukjae stumbled upon him. They had some good times, and Hyukjae had promised to be back for Donghae.
“And so naturally it followed that they would have passionate, rough sex on the fields and Hyukjae magically comes back with a woman and announcing that he wants to marry her?”
“Glad to see you haven’t lost some of your old wit.”, Kibum sniggered, “Truth is, they did have some wild sex after a bout of drinking, but it was after that that Hyukjae realized he had fallen for Donghae. But it was only until his mother passed away did Hyukjae propose marriage.”
“And how did he do it?”
“He’s related to the Emperor’s favorite son. And by some way he managed to get the Emperor’s consent before his own family to marry a girl who seemed to have come from nowhere, bearing no dowry and having seemingly no past.”
“Then what the fuck is he up to now?”
“He’s an official… and a man. It’s supposed to be normal.”
“And Donghae?”
“Tonight is the night that he commits suicide, and Hyukjae doesn’t know Donghae is dead because Donghae hurries out in male clothing and drowns himself in the river. The next day some people find the body, but the news goes unnoticed because the whole town is in a frenzy over the disappearance of the Lee household’s first wife.”
“How do we fit in here, Kibum? I’m not seeing the point.”
“The complication here, hyung, is that Lee Hyukjae is an undiagnosed schizophrenic. His illness is unheard of in this time, and you’re seeing him on a good day here.”
“What’s a bad day then?”
“Bonds, whips and a lot of bruises. Generally he comes home drunk and smelling worse than he does now - tonight he’s only been entertaining, not fucking random girls he has no recollection of in the morning.”
“So in that twisted mind of his he doesn’t realize he’s a man-slut?”
“Lee Hyukjae believes that he’s only faithful to his first wife and regards the other two with only respect, never affection.”
“How long has this been going on for?”
“They’ve been married three years now.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand you.”, Hyukjae looks at Kibum with puzzlement, “You’re saying there’s someone else living inside me?”
Kibum nods, trying not to notice the fact that he’s standing in front of a buck naked Hyukjae soaked in a tub while trying to convince him that no, he isn’t an assassin, and neither is he mad. The other man seems convinced of the possibility that someone could come from the future and first listens to what Kibum has to say with interest, then utter horror which faded away to disbelief.
“So what am I supposed to do? Kill him?”
“You can’t kill him without killing yourself.”
“And what if I don’t believe you? I can get my guards to… Wha… Where are you?”
“Right here.”, Kibum reappears behind him, “You see, your guards can’t do anything to me. I come and go as I please, and if you want proof, watch -”
The scene that unfolds before Hyukjae’s eyes, as though magically in the air, makes Hyukjae sick to the stomach. He sees himself with tools of all sorts - tools he never even knew he owned, that hurt Donghae so badly as blood and bruises begin to form on the body he loved so much. He hears Donghae’s pleas for mercy as he strains against the bonds that bind him, and he hears his own cruel voice laughing maniacally and moving forward to claim Donghae, tearing into him as he screams and cries. He sees the burns and the scars that Donghae hides under the cumbersome maiden’s attire, and Hyukjae feels like he is about the empty the contents of his dinner onto the floor.
“I’m here to offer you a way out.”
“And what may that be?”, Hyukjae asks in a weak voice.
“I can’t tell you. But tonight Donghae will finally decide that enough is enough. He’s going to fling himself off the South bridge as soon as he sees you’re asleep.”
“He can’t…”
“Would staying alive be better, Lee Hyukjae? Staying alive, pretending to be a woman, living with you and your illness? And imagine him having to go off somewhere to die just so nobody realizes the truth when they pick up his body.”, Kibum answers cruelly, “And its not like you’re going to treat him any better if we stop him from killing himself.”
“I…”, Hyukjae falls silent as he realizes that there is nothing he can do to control himself when the illness hits.
“These, are called sleeping pills. There’s nobody in your time that can possibly remedy its effects. Taking two will give you a good night’s rest.”, Kibum hands Hyukjae a small packet, “You can take two, pretend this is a bad dream, and have a good night’s sleep, or you could…”, Kibum’s voice fades away as he too disappears.
“Hey!”
Donghae jumps as he sees an orange haired man sitting on the bridge. He is dressed extremely strangely and his locks make him look almost effeminate, but the way he sits, upright with legs spread, and his low voice, says otherwise.
“Mighty fine night to be dying, don’t you think?”
“How did you…”
“Kim Heechul, alien from the future”, Heechul winks at him, “Lee Donghae.”
“Are you here to die too?”
Heechul can’t help but let out a small laugh at Donghae’s innocent question, “Die? I can’t even remember when was the last time I was human. And aren’t you going to ask me anything else?”
“There’s no point. You’re mad too. The whole world’s gone mad. I’m just here to get away from it.”
“I’m here to let you know that it doesn’t end here.”, Heechul moves closer to Donghae, “It continues. And it might be worse.”
“There’s nothing worse than the life I’m leading now.”, Donghae replies.
“You seem ready to go then?”
“Almost… Just almost.”
“You miss him already, don’t you?”, Heechul stretches out a hand to help Donghae up to where he’s sitting, and Donghae readily accepts, “Sometimes I miss him too, even though he’s with me all the time. But we’re not the same anymore.”
Donghae stares at Heechul for a while, then opens his mouth to speak, “Is he mad too?”
“Mad?”, Heechul thinks for a while, “I don’t know. I suppose we all are.”
“I really wonder sometimes if any good comes out of our job.”, Kibum says as he watches Hyukjae stare at the pills, seemingly dumbfounded.
“We make things better. We offer them the prospect of an eternal life in bliss.”
“We simply help them to die, as though death were the answer to everything.”
“Would there be a better solution? Can you leave them to roam aimless all alone?”, Heechul asks the younger man, “Maybe you’re right, we should be called grim reapers, not angels of any sort. Angel - that’s too beautiful a name for people like us who do such dirty jobs.”
“Hyung, you hardly sound so sensible.”, Kibum manages a small laugh.
“Hey, it takes balls to die you know.”
“I know. Thank you hyung.”
“What are you thanking me for?”
“For having the balls… for me.”
Heechul fights the urge to both slap and cuddle the younger man. He had warned Kibum not to talk about this, ever, and they had avoided the subject as much as possible. But somehow in the course of today something changed, and Heechul can’t pinpoint what.
“Alright young man, get up. We have a rainbow to paint and four more to kill before we get down to serious business…”, Heechul stands up and makes his way to the South bridge.
Kibum doesn’t miss the hidden meaning in Heechul’s words as he hurries after him.
The heat of the summer sun beats down upon a young man picking strawberries and tossing them into a basket. Still, the sun doesn’t seem to get to him as he whistles merrily, stopping to admire a flower or two. Mentally, he ponders whether to make a strawberry pie or keep it for jam and cookies.
“Donghae!”, a familiar warm presence at his neck shocks the man out of his reverie.
“Hyukjae.”, He answers, enjoying his lover’s affections.
“Strawberry pie?”
“Yes, strawberry pie.”, Donghae decides, “And you’re helping me!”
“Anything for you, my love.”
Hyukjae thinks he sees a familiar figure lingering behind the bushes, watching the two lovers walk to their shared cottage, fingers interlacing with each other. Two men - there’s no need to hide now, for there is no one watching, no one judging, no one ready with cruel words and misguided intentions.
Only them, and perhaps a guardian angel watching their backs.