hmmm
Life feels as though it's lacking purpose atm, i'm not sure how to really describe how i'm feeling. I'm getting those pangs again that so many of my friends are off at uni and I miss them all so much, being in a routine where I just get up, go to work, come home and then do nothing until about 11:30 or 12 when I go to sleep, its the same day in day out and it feels hollow, it feels dumb, it makes me feel dumb. I've been thinking back to past times, LJ, memory and the such and it just hits me that although most of my posts seem completely inane with optimism, they promise little. I exude fickleness and I look back and see how I can't stick things through, things get too hard for me and I ALWAYS bury my head in the sand and ignore it as if it's not going to come back and bite me in the arse, I put things off and still put up that happy exterior as if everything is great, but it's little more than fine. I can't talk about my problems easily, i find myself always not knowing why i'm upset or why i'm down so i never come to feel it, I bottle things up and glaze over and forget, the problems never go away they just build and build until one day a certain thing will hit you and the whole lot gets triggered, you're quiet for a week and people sometimes realise, but after time you're still sad but you don't fully know why, the barriers come back up, you appear happy all the time shrugging off questions with 'yeah i'm fine' changing subjects. you feel stuck in a rut where the highlights of your day are taking home a piston head and a german electric fence sign. Nothing fills the lonely hours, no matter what you're doing, you find something funny for a short while but you know its not going to make any difference to your day and will be forgotten within the next 15 minutes. I lack purpose and I seem to lack future, not knowing what i'm doing half the time, I feel left behind.
All my life i've wanted to better myself so I don't have to live with someone i've hated all these years, but I just don't think he's clever enough.
All my life i've wanted to better myself so I don't have to live with someone i've hated all these years, but I just don't think he's clever enough.