(no subject)
well. im bored as usual. and tired. i was thinking why do i listen to the crap people tell me? why do i feel obligated to listen to my family? i cant even be how i wish i could. i just sit here waiting for every day to pass and hoping something exciting will happen. how is it that people who are so fucking undeserving get what they want in life? i have to lie and sneak around just to feel a little bit like myself. some people don't deserve what they have yet they get every thing and yes, it sounds selfish and stupid but i wish i could do what i want to do without getting yelled at or being called a disappointment. i dont even get to hang out with my friends anymore if i really even have any which i really dont besides my sister rachael. i have people i say hi to every now and then but still i have no one to really feel like their my friend besides once again my sister. i want to go to a concert for one thing that would be great i would be so happy to see cradle of filth live and just listen to the music and be happy for once. i hate my house too, yes, it covers me at night and keeps me warm but its empty and meaningless and when i wake up at 2 in the morning its quite and unwelcoming. i dont belong in a nice house with materialistic people because im not like that. i would be much happier to give it all away and enjoy whats outside of my confined home and family. i feel so damn lonely in that house, with that family and poor rachael i know feels the same we just sit smile and nod our heads when actually we usually want to hit our heads against something just to see the blood and prove we are alive. it sucks to sit feeling dead thats what i do i wait and wait but nothing happens and i continuously remain dead. the only way to feel alive is to sit in regret. i sit and remember all the things ive done and some people ive hurt and then of course crying is a way to remain alive or actually more numb than anything else. crying is empty and selfish for me i should not cry i do but i should not... some people should cry they deserve it they have a hard life or are in pain but i cry for myself mainly and i once again should not. im so tired right now i dont even know if all this makes sense to who ever is reading this but i continue rambling on, and on, and on... ok bye bye sorry for all this shit britney god i am selfish....