new shit, different day...
ok...so lots since the last post. major thingy nbr 1..i got the Training Internship. i start monday, and as of 8 o'clock this evening i am no longer a CA. i am now officially a Training Assistant. so that's exciting. i've bought the business clothes and everything. i look all professional and stuff. i'm Corporate Dyke Barbie! i'm really looking forward to this...i'm a little scared i'm going to screw it up, but i guess i won't know until i try. and my final thought on this...HOLY CRAP I GOT THE JOB!!!!
in other major news stuff, my surgery is in less than 2 weeks. july 6th, so everyone send some positive mojo my way. part of me hopes they don't find anything because finding something means there is actually something wrong with me. but a bigger part of me wants them to find something because i know that there is something wrong. i know this isn't in my head, and it's not just normal stuff that i have to live with and get used to. it's amiss, and i want to know what it is. then another part of me is convinced they are going to get in there and find absolutely nothing and then i'm going to go on the medicine anyways and it's not going to help and then i'm not going to have any more options and all the doctors are going to think i'm nuts. a smaller part of me is convinced they are going to get in there and find something major and i'm going to get massively cut open and it's going to be really serious and it's going to take weeks to recover and Verizon is going to say, "well, since u are on leave we're going to give your internship to someone else who can actually come to work and when u get back it's straight to the phones with you!!" i'm just freaking out for no reason and i know that, but freaking out is what happens after 9 months of medical run around.
i'm in a really transitional phase right now. i'm officially running for the board of the MGLCC, i've got the new job, the impending "cut and run", and i'm getting really deep in trans stuff and queer stuff for the first time in several years. it feels like coming home...but it's also kind of stressful. it's easy to be oblivious. it's easy to assume that someone else will fight your battles for you. it's not so easy to bust your ass for a grassroots movement that often times seems to be standing still.
oh and did i mention my car got broken into last night? yep, and it just makes a person feel like shit. like i matter so little as to be taken advantage of without the courtesy of face to face humiliation. they took my brand new kim richardson cd that i got last night at the kim richardson/garrrison starr show. they also took my favorite (and only) tori amos cd, my cd player (which was a piece of craphola some times, but got the job done), a brand new carton of cigarettes that was supposed to last me till i get paid, and my bottle of Curve (i f-ing loved that cologne, you bastards!). so i filed a police report and let my building manager know. she informed me that i'm the second person in 1 week to be broken into at in our parking lot. they apparently slim-jimmed the passenger side door and took whatever was in arms length. thank god my car is so messy. even i had trouble finding my cd case this morning. they didn't get it because it was wedged under my seat and covered in empty cigarette boxes. see...there is a benefit to having a junky car.
so yeah, big place of change...dreaming a lot about water and that always mean change for me in the very near future. so this is me having faith. faith that the change upon me is good. and that if it seems to not be good, i have the ability to recognize that even things that suck are good. they teach us something. we grow somehow. you may not see it when it's sticking to your skin, but we're better off for all that we let in.
-in love and revolution
kelly cole
p.s. my frog for this emotion is AWESOME!!