(Untitled)

[cracklesnap]

Things change so quickly... I've always feared change because it means an end. An end to something we thought we knew. An end to something we may never have again. On thursday, my brother was born 18 years ago. On December 28, 2002 my brother died. I used to have a brother... now I don't remember what it felt like. I remember a few things,

Comments

[ericad00]

Wow! Reading thing was like reading my own life. I know exactly what you are talking about. I remember the night that Dallas died, my neighbor came over to my house and I had been too numb to cry at that point but then I fell to pieces, "What am I gonna do, Ms. Barbara?" I sobbed, I wanted to be consoled, "You'll be strong for your mom and dad," that was my consolation. So at that point I dried my eyes and I was strong. The only time that I got to morn was when I was alone, in the shower, locked away in my room, at the park when I could sneak away, or in my bed at night. Everyone kept telling me to be strong and somewhere along the line I just learned to smile and not produce any tears and fool those around me (sometimes I try to fool myself). I've told my mom time and again that it hurts for me to talk about it and I don't feel that I can share it with her but yet I endure the same comments, "Dallas would have done that wouldn't he? Dallas would have liked that wouldn't he? Did Dallas watch that show?" I DON"T KNOW! "I wish Dallas was here." so do I, but he's not. And If I hear someone try and tell me that he is in a better place one more time I'll scream! I know that he is in my heart, but to me his place is here. I'm sure that you also had to endure people asking how your parents were (before they did split), I know I did, "How are your parents doing? Ya know the death of a child is usually the end of a marriage," well thanks for that, so you are telling me that what I have left of my family and all I know will be torn apart too? I'm so sorry that it did happen to you, sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen to me. Mom tries to hold it together but dad, I think, has gone off the deep end. Ever so often I see glimpses of MY DAD, instead of the man I have come to know over the last 4 years, I miss him. You asked me once if I were happy, the truth is I was happy at that moment, but when you asked why, I couldn't come up with a convincing answer mainly 'cause I'm not, I have not been happy for 4 years now. Do you remember a long time ago when I asked if I could talk to you? Way before we started hanging out? Lori told me that you had lost your brother very similar to the way that I lost mine and I wanted to offer you someone to talk to, but not just for you. It makes everyone so uncomfortable and I can't blame them because I suppose that it would me too if things were different. But I thank God everyday that I found someone that I can relate to. Your friendship means so much to me. Maybe we could grieve together and maybe even be happy again.