Well, how did I get here?
Two weeks left in the semester.
I guess it's a fair assessment to say my life has been in disarray now for a long time - years? I felt I mistreated the person I cared about the most, and I had no idea how I did it - how I became cold, apathetic, unable to communicate - and even less of an idea of how to fix it - and like many things, I don't think it can be fixed. This has caused suffering - it's also caused learning.
How to explain - when you're sitting face to face with another human being, the one who knows you better than any and you can't even force yourself to say a thing. Like the mind was removed and a shell of a body remains, blankly looking at this other person.
So I had to leave. I need to find a reason for being alive.
To go up, you must go down first. Tear everything apart and rebuild. Don't hold on to anything -
I've been reading:
suffering is directly related to the clinging to of transients.
Everything fades, everything dies. Contentedness is key - acceptance.
I'm afraid I may have lost some special people in the process - I've made friends, and I've maybe scared a few of them. I've been scared. And scarred. I've been reckless. And foolish.
One thing I've learned - you should not ever rely on anyone but yourself. Relying on others is the path to emptiness. Work together, lend hands, share only kind words. You should be a pillar of strength to yourself, and then lend the strength to your best friends, your family, your lover.
I spent the weekend in New York City. Between that and the last 24 hours I've had a major catharsis. I don't know where it will take me. I've finally really indulged and really broke some barriers and I feel the weight of the words I've spoke. I'm left with it's bitter fruits. I don't believe I'm a gluten for punishment - but I've been finding the meaning of wisdom first hand, rather than absorbing the words of those who have come before. One thing I've always known about myself is that I learn best by experience. It is one thing to read the path to Enlightenment, it is another to know first hand. I hope I can break this habit.
I'd approached my life like it was a spiritual lab experiment. Hypothesis - indulgent behavior, benevolence, narcissism, and harboring ill feelings will cause suffering. Conclusion - Yeah, but EXPERIENCE is ADDICTING.
I guess it's a fair assessment to say my life has been in disarray now for a long time - years? I felt I mistreated the person I cared about the most, and I had no idea how I did it - how I became cold, apathetic, unable to communicate - and even less of an idea of how to fix it - and like many things, I don't think it can be fixed. This has caused suffering - it's also caused learning.
How to explain - when you're sitting face to face with another human being, the one who knows you better than any and you can't even force yourself to say a thing. Like the mind was removed and a shell of a body remains, blankly looking at this other person.
So I had to leave. I need to find a reason for being alive.
To go up, you must go down first. Tear everything apart and rebuild. Don't hold on to anything -
I've been reading:
suffering is directly related to the clinging to of transients.
Everything fades, everything dies. Contentedness is key - acceptance.
I'm afraid I may have lost some special people in the process - I've made friends, and I've maybe scared a few of them. I've been scared. And scarred. I've been reckless. And foolish.
One thing I've learned - you should not ever rely on anyone but yourself. Relying on others is the path to emptiness. Work together, lend hands, share only kind words. You should be a pillar of strength to yourself, and then lend the strength to your best friends, your family, your lover.
I spent the weekend in New York City. Between that and the last 24 hours I've had a major catharsis. I don't know where it will take me. I've finally really indulged and really broke some barriers and I feel the weight of the words I've spoke. I'm left with it's bitter fruits. I don't believe I'm a gluten for punishment - but I've been finding the meaning of wisdom first hand, rather than absorbing the words of those who have come before. One thing I've always known about myself is that I learn best by experience. It is one thing to read the path to Enlightenment, it is another to know first hand. I hope I can break this habit.
I'd approached my life like it was a spiritual lab experiment. Hypothesis - indulgent behavior, benevolence, narcissism, and harboring ill feelings will cause suffering. Conclusion - Yeah, but EXPERIENCE is ADDICTING.