Case Files of Laboratory 13: #1 Zaraki Kenpachi
Hello all! While SoDanielle is laboring her poor self away on the next icon release, we bring to you our new project: Case Files of Laboratory 13. It's weird, it's cracky, it's Shinigami gossip and we hope you find the funny we put in there. SoDanielle and my conversations, evident through this, are pretty insane. One warning aside from this: this is pretty graphic heavy. None of the graphics belong to us, it's all through the lovely use of google image search. That said, commence crack!
Kenpachi Zaraki
Our Beloved Taichou of the Eleventh Division
Kenpachi Zaraki. Taichou of the notorious 11th division and the Man with the Battered Sword, [no pun intended, taichou-san]. Leadership skills include the love to fight, the love to kill, and the occasional ability to unintentionally spew a word or two that resembles personal and insightful advice.
The Man:
::Basic Profile::
a/s/l?- very old/ male/ Soul Society
occupation- making a man out of you
status- taichou. 11th division.
I am a lusting warrior, looking for a Kurosaki Ichigo.
His honorable taichou Zaraki Kenpachi is a Man. That is man with a capital M. Please note. His manliness oozes from his smile, leaks from his ears, and crawls around the floor like a tiger.
(Prowess, baby, prowess.)
His Zanpakutou:
It may not have a name. It may be unbelievably ragged, but he wields it with pride. Well, not really, but seeing the way he whips that thing out and around, there’s got to be some sort of attachment. Right?
Kenpachi’s sword is, funnily, the complete opposite of his manly aura. Big buff man with ragged sword? I think this is god, or KT’s way of saying that life is fair. You can’t have everything, man. Unless you’re Byakuya… but then you have to sacrifice your manliness. *sighs*.
Relationships With Others:
♥~!
1. Kusajishi Yachiru: With hopes of not alienating the readers, I would like to talk about Yachiru in terms of Ouran High Host Club. There’s no better way to describe it. Kusajishi Yachiru is Zaraki Kenpachi’s Lovely Item.
Notice him, Zaraki Kenpachi. Man of rawr who will beat you out of your tattered body.
He will eat you for breakfast oh yes he will.
Zaraki Kenpachi alone will make strong, grown men cry and wibble in corners, never to recover. His reiatsu is so amazingly strong that it may as well have a name of its own. [icon: got reiatsu?]. Zaraki Kenpachi has absolutely no talent with names. It’s a miracle that Yachiru’s name isn’t something incredibly obvious, like Girl With Pink Hair That I Found After I Killed Her Family. Luckily, Yachiru is a cute name.
Zaraki Kenpachi with Yachiru, though…
Instant cute!
Now, with the interaction between Zaraki and Yachiru, bystanders believe that he is deeper and more sociable than his exterior allows him to show. His grouchiness becomes endearing, his relationship with Yachiru seems nurturing.
Everything I said above, btw, is not true, but true at the same time. If Kenpachi was a noun, it would be antonyms with Nurture. Although seeing the way he leads his squadron makes me rethink that. Either way. Kenpachi is not amiable unless you like dying. He is not deep. When he looks like he wants to kill you, he probably wants to kill you. Yet at the same time, fandom finds him endearing. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s for the exact reasons I’ve mentioned above in regards to the effects of the lovely item.
* * *
2. Kurosaki Ichigo: Ichigo and Kenpachi’s relationship is the only relationship I know that can be described as Heterosexual Male Love. Contradictory? Not really. I’m going to make a comparison here, and I’m going to hope to god that I haven’t been shot by the end of it.
The difference between a Shounen novel and a Shoujo novel circles around the relationships. In Shoujo, everyone likes one girl, there will be at the very least one girl that multiple people love, thus drama. It’s annoying if overdone. It’s often overdone. In shounen, it’s not so easy. Shounen exploits Heterosexual Male Love. There is no obvious/dominant romantic relationship whatsoever. What there is, instead, is this… healthy but not so healthy obsession. I would equate it to love, but that treads into slash zone, and that is not what I’m trying to describe. Heterosexual Male Love is intense, intense obsession that is, often fighting related, dancing the line of slash, but never crossing it. Oh the blasphemy [tenipuri anyone?].
I will make a man out of you, Kurosaki Ichigo!
Zaraki-Ichigo to Orihime-Ichigo.
Please don’t kill me.
The obsession level is comparable, you see. They’ve both pretty much dedicated their lives to something Ichigo centered. The lucky-or unlucky-bastard. I bet if you shout “KUROSAKI ICHIGO” into a crowd of Bleach characters, the two people other than Ichigo himself (and, debatably, Rukia), would be those two. I anticipate a similar first response. It’s called the Treat? look that puppies get. Of course after the initial realizations, they’ll break into something different: Kenpachi would start muttering to himself and don his famous iwantyouLeer, while Orihime goes off and be emo. However the heck they allow their respective obsessions manifest.
Treat? Did someone say Ichigo?
Zaraki Kenpachi and Kurosaki Ichigo are Heterosexual Male Love.
* * *
3. The 11th Division: Kenpachi is like the crazy grandfather that snarls at everyone while he tells war stories to himself. Except he’s not old, and he’ll probably ask you to reenact the scenes with him, play by play, with real guns and real deaths. However, over long years of forced visits and multiple trips to the hospital from gun wounds, you come to find that really, he’s very loveable and cares about you. Kind of. When the planets are properly aligned.
Zaraki Kenpachi came into 11th Division, slaughtered their captain, and brainwashed the squadron. They love him, they really do. That always baffles me. He comes and slaughters their captain and they love him. Ouch, brain. But then KT gives us scenes between him with Ikkaku. Look at him, Zaraki Kenpachi, sword master extraordinaire and the world’s greatest counselor. Over time, this side of him, this side that gives amazingly insightful advice and awing inspiration conquers them all. [I mean… even Ichigo sees him in his HIchigo-fighting visions.] Zaraki Kenpachi, Inspirational Man. What I find the greatest about this is that he never intends to be insightful, and deep, and inspirational. That would be out of character, you know, to have ZK have… godforbid… obvious emotional expressions [other than that lusty leer to beat the shit out of you].
The 11th Division is MTA, or the Male Testosterone Arena. If you take a group of guys with high levels of testosterone and stuff them into an arena, you get the 11th Division. They’re loveable though, I’m not going to lie. I love the 11th Division probably much more than I should. 11th Division, however, gets their adorable factor from their utter dorkiness how it’s completely mismatched with their RAWRIAMAMAN aura. Interestingly, another Kenpachi trait.
Things you would wonder about Zaraki Kenpachi, but not really:
Crayola color? Okay, admit it, you knew something like this was coming. I mean come on. This community is call crackinfusion. After debate, we’ve decided that Kenpachi’s crayola crayon color would be raw sienna. Raw Sienna is the type of pigment used when you do sketches.
Does it not reek of a prowessing man?
When you look at the word you think… raw… sienna? Man, that’s got to be the manliest and womanliest name I’ve ever seen. I’m not saying that Kenpachi is a hermaphrodite. I’m saying Zaraki Kenpachi can be very feminine.
Pour example. His hair.
How many children starve everyday in Rukongai for his hair to jingle properly? You’ve seen the Shinigami Picture Book, that guy spends hours and hours on his hair. And he’s anal about it. Every spike has to be perfect; every bell has to be donned properly.
His hair used to be fairly normal. (Midlife crisis?)
After: "No peble! Hand me the bronze ones!"
Regardless, it’s canon that he’s got a vain streak in him. What other man spends hours upon hours in front of the mirror ornamenting his hair (other than Yumichika…)? I bet you he’s this anal about everything. Like those tatters on his captain uniform. It’s probably tailored to perfection, every rip and tear done with artistic precision. [icon: Zaraki Kenpachi: Artist at Heart] There are two people with Very Ripped Clothes. Zaraki Kenpachi and Kurosaki Ichigo…
Zaraki Kenpachi: The Artist
And just to put it a little further and slaughter symbolism, maybe Kenpachi was right in that Ichigo and him were the same. Not in the way he thinks though, fight? Nah. Kenpachi and Ichigo are fashion buddies. I bet Ishida’s crying in a corner right now, but in their world, tears are always in. You can go through battles upon battles, but unless you’re coming out naked [not likely] or missing limbs [likely, but at this point your clothes aren’t the things of concern], no one can tell if your clothes are a mess. Practical too. Take that, Uryuu.
Zaraki Kenpachi and the 11th Division: Bad but Beautiful.
If he knew his sword’s name: There’s Zaraki’s main fault, he doesn’t know the name of his sword. But let’s say if, if he knew, what would it be? What kind of shape would a person who carries little girls on his back and wears bells in his hair have his sword become? Just when you thought you’ve seen the weird [snake!monkey avec pelt, Renji? Unohana and your… flying thing? And what kind of shape is a tree?]. You start to realize that KT is on a certain level of crack. Sometimes… shinigami can have the most random sword shape. You get cool ones like haineko and Hitsugaya’s ice dragon thing, and then you get Kurotsuchi Mayuri and his… yeah.
So basically, Zaraki’s sword shape can be anything, anything.
Let’s play.
Zaraki Kenpachi and his sword, who is:…
… a tiger? (prowess, prowess)
… a LIVING LIGHTNING BOLT!
… a griffin?
… a butler?
… a vampire?
… a tulip?
… Yachiru?
THERE I SAID IT! Zaraki Kenpachi’s sword is Yachiru! He carries her with him everyday, they’re like THIS CLOSE, and it is the most fitting and unfitting thing in the world. Unless you really want the tulip. But that’s not manly. Maybe it can eat people?
[icon: Zaraki Kenpachi and his Man-eating Tulip Sword]
If he could write his own character haiku: Someone once made a post like this before, about Byakuya. It was brilliant. Let's say, for example, if characters can write the own haiku. Let's also suppose that the only requirements for said haiku is a 5-7-5 stanza style. Zaraki's poem would be:
"Where the hell are we...--
Yachiru, don't touch the bells!
D'you say Ichigo?
If he read porn:
This is a zone we don't tamper with often with characters like Kenpachi. But it needs to be written.
I do not believe Kenpachi is the type that likes soft or gay pr0n. Sorry to all of you who are anticipating the things I just denied. I believe that if ZK were to read anything, it would be S&M, something hardcore and can end with death.
Kenpachi: I'm supposed to do what with what?! Can't I just... can't I just cut off her arms?
I take that back. It's hard trying to picture him with pr0n. But I mean, he's a man isn't he? Wait no, a Man. Remember his manliness that prowesses on the ground like a tiger? And he even has that leer thing going on. Let's see if we can piece the picture together:
+
= ?
I'll let you do the math...
Zaraki Kenpachi. Man of Mystery.
Kenpachi Zaraki
Our Beloved Taichou of the Eleventh Division
Kenpachi Zaraki. Taichou of the notorious 11th division and the Man with the Battered Sword, [no pun intended, taichou-san]. Leadership skills include the love to fight, the love to kill, and the occasional ability to unintentionally spew a word or two that resembles personal and insightful advice.
The Man:
::Basic Profile::
a/s/l?- very old/ male/ Soul Society
occupation- making a man out of you
status- taichou. 11th division.
I am a lusting warrior, looking for a Kurosaki Ichigo.
His honorable taichou Zaraki Kenpachi is a Man. That is man with a capital M. Please note. His manliness oozes from his smile, leaks from his ears, and crawls around the floor like a tiger.
(Prowess, baby, prowess.)
His Zanpakutou:
It may not have a name. It may be unbelievably ragged, but he wields it with pride. Well, not really, but seeing the way he whips that thing out and around, there’s got to be some sort of attachment. Right?
Kenpachi’s sword is, funnily, the complete opposite of his manly aura. Big buff man with ragged sword? I think this is god, or KT’s way of saying that life is fair. You can’t have everything, man. Unless you’re Byakuya… but then you have to sacrifice your manliness. *sighs*.
Relationships With Others:
♥~!
1. Kusajishi Yachiru: With hopes of not alienating the readers, I would like to talk about Yachiru in terms of Ouran High Host Club. There’s no better way to describe it. Kusajishi Yachiru is Zaraki Kenpachi’s Lovely Item.
Notice him, Zaraki Kenpachi. Man of rawr who will beat you out of your tattered body.
He will eat you for breakfast oh yes he will.
Zaraki Kenpachi alone will make strong, grown men cry and wibble in corners, never to recover. His reiatsu is so amazingly strong that it may as well have a name of its own. [icon: got reiatsu?]. Zaraki Kenpachi has absolutely no talent with names. It’s a miracle that Yachiru’s name isn’t something incredibly obvious, like Girl With Pink Hair That I Found After I Killed Her Family. Luckily, Yachiru is a cute name.
Zaraki Kenpachi with Yachiru, though…
Instant cute!
Now, with the interaction between Zaraki and Yachiru, bystanders believe that he is deeper and more sociable than his exterior allows him to show. His grouchiness becomes endearing, his relationship with Yachiru seems nurturing.
Everything I said above, btw, is not true, but true at the same time. If Kenpachi was a noun, it would be antonyms with Nurture. Although seeing the way he leads his squadron makes me rethink that. Either way. Kenpachi is not amiable unless you like dying. He is not deep. When he looks like he wants to kill you, he probably wants to kill you. Yet at the same time, fandom finds him endearing. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s for the exact reasons I’ve mentioned above in regards to the effects of the lovely item.
* * *
2. Kurosaki Ichigo: Ichigo and Kenpachi’s relationship is the only relationship I know that can be described as Heterosexual Male Love. Contradictory? Not really. I’m going to make a comparison here, and I’m going to hope to god that I haven’t been shot by the end of it.
The difference between a Shounen novel and a Shoujo novel circles around the relationships. In Shoujo, everyone likes one girl, there will be at the very least one girl that multiple people love, thus drama. It’s annoying if overdone. It’s often overdone. In shounen, it’s not so easy. Shounen exploits Heterosexual Male Love. There is no obvious/dominant romantic relationship whatsoever. What there is, instead, is this… healthy but not so healthy obsession. I would equate it to love, but that treads into slash zone, and that is not what I’m trying to describe. Heterosexual Male Love is intense, intense obsession that is, often fighting related, dancing the line of slash, but never crossing it. Oh the blasphemy [tenipuri anyone?].
I will make a man out of you, Kurosaki Ichigo!
Zaraki-Ichigo to Orihime-Ichigo.
Please don’t kill me.
The obsession level is comparable, you see. They’ve both pretty much dedicated their lives to something Ichigo centered. The lucky-or unlucky-bastard. I bet if you shout “KUROSAKI ICHIGO” into a crowd of Bleach characters, the two people other than Ichigo himself (and, debatably, Rukia), would be those two. I anticipate a similar first response. It’s called the Treat? look that puppies get. Of course after the initial realizations, they’ll break into something different: Kenpachi would start muttering to himself and don his famous iwantyouLeer, while Orihime goes off and be emo. However the heck they allow their respective obsessions manifest.
Treat? Did someone say Ichigo?
Zaraki Kenpachi and Kurosaki Ichigo are Heterosexual Male Love.
* * *
3. The 11th Division: Kenpachi is like the crazy grandfather that snarls at everyone while he tells war stories to himself. Except he’s not old, and he’ll probably ask you to reenact the scenes with him, play by play, with real guns and real deaths. However, over long years of forced visits and multiple trips to the hospital from gun wounds, you come to find that really, he’s very loveable and cares about you. Kind of. When the planets are properly aligned.
Zaraki Kenpachi came into 11th Division, slaughtered their captain, and brainwashed the squadron. They love him, they really do. That always baffles me. He comes and slaughters their captain and they love him. Ouch, brain. But then KT gives us scenes between him with Ikkaku. Look at him, Zaraki Kenpachi, sword master extraordinaire and the world’s greatest counselor. Over time, this side of him, this side that gives amazingly insightful advice and awing inspiration conquers them all. [I mean… even Ichigo sees him in his HIchigo-fighting visions.] Zaraki Kenpachi, Inspirational Man. What I find the greatest about this is that he never intends to be insightful, and deep, and inspirational. That would be out of character, you know, to have ZK have… godforbid… obvious emotional expressions [other than that lusty leer to beat the shit out of you].
The 11th Division is MTA, or the Male Testosterone Arena. If you take a group of guys with high levels of testosterone and stuff them into an arena, you get the 11th Division. They’re loveable though, I’m not going to lie. I love the 11th Division probably much more than I should. 11th Division, however, gets their adorable factor from their utter dorkiness how it’s completely mismatched with their RAWRIAMAMAN aura. Interestingly, another Kenpachi trait.
Things you would wonder about Zaraki Kenpachi, but not really:
Crayola color? Okay, admit it, you knew something like this was coming. I mean come on. This community is call crackinfusion. After debate, we’ve decided that Kenpachi’s crayola crayon color would be raw sienna. Raw Sienna is the type of pigment used when you do sketches.
Does it not reek of a prowessing man?
When you look at the word you think… raw… sienna? Man, that’s got to be the manliest and womanliest name I’ve ever seen. I’m not saying that Kenpachi is a hermaphrodite. I’m saying Zaraki Kenpachi can be very feminine.
Pour example. His hair.
How many children starve everyday in Rukongai for his hair to jingle properly? You’ve seen the Shinigami Picture Book, that guy spends hours and hours on his hair. And he’s anal about it. Every spike has to be perfect; every bell has to be donned properly.
His hair used to be fairly normal. (Midlife crisis?)
After: "No peble! Hand me the bronze ones!"
Regardless, it’s canon that he’s got a vain streak in him. What other man spends hours upon hours in front of the mirror ornamenting his hair (other than Yumichika…)? I bet you he’s this anal about everything. Like those tatters on his captain uniform. It’s probably tailored to perfection, every rip and tear done with artistic precision. [icon: Zaraki Kenpachi: Artist at Heart] There are two people with Very Ripped Clothes. Zaraki Kenpachi and Kurosaki Ichigo…
Zaraki Kenpachi: The Artist
And just to put it a little further and slaughter symbolism, maybe Kenpachi was right in that Ichigo and him were the same. Not in the way he thinks though, fight? Nah. Kenpachi and Ichigo are fashion buddies. I bet Ishida’s crying in a corner right now, but in their world, tears are always in. You can go through battles upon battles, but unless you’re coming out naked [not likely] or missing limbs [likely, but at this point your clothes aren’t the things of concern], no one can tell if your clothes are a mess. Practical too. Take that, Uryuu.
Zaraki Kenpachi and the 11th Division: Bad but Beautiful.
If he knew his sword’s name: There’s Zaraki’s main fault, he doesn’t know the name of his sword. But let’s say if, if he knew, what would it be? What kind of shape would a person who carries little girls on his back and wears bells in his hair have his sword become? Just when you thought you’ve seen the weird [snake!monkey avec pelt, Renji? Unohana and your… flying thing? And what kind of shape is a tree?]. You start to realize that KT is on a certain level of crack. Sometimes… shinigami can have the most random sword shape. You get cool ones like haineko and Hitsugaya’s ice dragon thing, and then you get Kurotsuchi Mayuri and his… yeah.
So basically, Zaraki’s sword shape can be anything, anything.
Let’s play.
Zaraki Kenpachi and his sword, who is:…
… a tiger? (prowess, prowess)
… a LIVING LIGHTNING BOLT!
… a griffin?
… a butler?
… a vampire?
… a tulip?
… Yachiru?
THERE I SAID IT! Zaraki Kenpachi’s sword is Yachiru! He carries her with him everyday, they’re like THIS CLOSE, and it is the most fitting and unfitting thing in the world. Unless you really want the tulip. But that’s not manly. Maybe it can eat people?
[icon: Zaraki Kenpachi and his Man-eating Tulip Sword]
If he could write his own character haiku: Someone once made a post like this before, about Byakuya. It was brilliant. Let's say, for example, if characters can write the own haiku. Let's also suppose that the only requirements for said haiku is a 5-7-5 stanza style. Zaraki's poem would be:
"Where the hell are we...--
Yachiru, don't touch the bells!
D'you say Ichigo?
If he read porn:
This is a zone we don't tamper with often with characters like Kenpachi. But it needs to be written.
I do not believe Kenpachi is the type that likes soft or gay pr0n. Sorry to all of you who are anticipating the things I just denied. I believe that if ZK were to read anything, it would be S&M, something hardcore and can end with death.
Kenpachi: I'm supposed to do what with what?! Can't I just... can't I just cut off her arms?
I take that back. It's hard trying to picture him with pr0n. But I mean, he's a man isn't he? Wait no, a Man. Remember his manliness that prowesses on the ground like a tiger? And he even has that leer thing going on. Let's see if we can piece the picture together:
+
= ?
I'll let you do the math...
Zaraki Kenpachi. Man of Mystery.