First Story
Title: The President's Dilemma Pt. 1
Characters: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: A few curses?
Summary: Jon Stewart, in a reality where he is the president, faces a difficult decision that affects our country, our freedom, or more specifically, Stephen Colbert.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Washington D.C.,
The White House,
April 9, 2014
The Oval Office- Late Afternoon
Jon Stewart looks upon the stacks of paper that litter his desk in dismay. "I can't believe I have to read all of these bills within a hour!" Jon exclaimed, running a hand through his graying hair. "Why did I become president?" he groaned.
He was just beginning to read a bill when he was interrupted by a knock on his door. "What?" he groaned.
"Mr. President! Open the door! It's an emergency!" a voice said from beyond the door. Jon got up quickly and opens the door, revealing a disheveled Jimmy Fallon.
"Seriously Jimmy, call me Jon," Jon said.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll do that next time," Jimmy said distractedly. "You have to come to the kitchen! The vice president is harassing the cooks again! I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't listen!"
"It's okay, Jimmy, there's no need to worry. This happens all the time," Jon said reassuringly.
Jimmy sighed. "I know, but I should have stopped it." He looks down dejectedly. "I'm terrible at my job."
"No you're not!" said Jon, "You are a great personal assistant."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Jimmy said, but he didn't seem convinced. "The vice president is in the kitchen, by the way."
"Right. Thanks," Jon patted Jimmy on the back, then ran out the door. "See you later!" he threw over his shoulder.
Jimmy, used to this, looked over Jon's schedule and checked his watch. "It seems like this incident will affect Jon's meeting at four. I guess I'll have to tell Craig Ferguson to reschedule. Again."
***888***888***
The White House Kitchen- Late Afternoon
The kitchen was filled with shiny appliances, cabinets, and counters- all wiped down to perfection. In the midst of it all were the cooks, dressed in plain white and cowering in fear from Stephen Colbert, whose freshly pressed striped suit was covered in flecks of flour.
"It's two cups of sugar, get it right!" Stephen yelled at a cook, whose eyes were wide with fear and whose hands were shaking as he held a cup full of sugar.
Stephen grabbed a bowl another cook was hesitantly stirring and threw the bowl on the floor. It shattered and most of the cooks stepped back from Stephen, whose hands were balled up in fists. "Why can't you guys ever get it right?" Stephen half pleaded, half growled at them.
Before Stephen could go any farther, clanging was heard and the door flew open. Jon peeked in and glanced at the shattered remains of the once fine bowl and shouted, "What the hell Stephen? I know you used to harass people in the Senate, but you're the vice president now!"
"I know, but they have to bake it perfectly, it's my world famous pumpkin pie we're talking about!" Stephen said defensively.
"Why are you baking a pie?" Jon said, confused.
All of a sudden angry Stephen was gone and he was back to his whiny self again. "Because I'm booored!"
Jon sighed. "You've been bored since we got elected!"
"No one pays attention to me!" Stephen exclaimed angrily, and the cooks took a step back. Jon, however, kept put. "At least on the campaign trail I had my Nation nipping at my heels,but as soon you went into office, you've been ignoring me! You always have bills to sign and people to meet and you have no time for me! I have to harass people, Jon! It's the only thing I can do around here!"
There was an awkward pause as Jon analysed the situation. He wanted to spend time with Stephen, but with all the bill signings and meetings they really have no time to be alone. So Jon offered the next best thing.
"Why don't you hang around with the other staff members?"
"What? No!" Stephen said, shocked. "Jimmy's girly, Conan hates me and the other Jimmy's busy all the time."
"Oh," Jon said sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Stephen. I wish I knew how to make it up to you."
"Hug me," Stephen said simply.
Jon stared at him. "What?"
"Just hug me," Stephen said, holding out his arms.
"...okay," Jon said hesitantly. He stepped forward and was about to hug Stephen when he was interrupted by a beeping sound. He looked down at his watch and frowned.
"Oh man, I have a meeting in five minutes!" Jon said.
"Reschedule," Stephen begged.
Jon shook his head. "Can't. I told Craig I won't." He sighed and walked to the door. "Sorry Stephen, but I have to go."
"I know," Stephen responded quietly, but Jon was already gone. Stephen stared longingly at where Jon was a minute ago. "Why doesn't Jon notice me?"
The cooks looked at the man who they were once- and still- afraid of in sympathy. Once he noticed these looks Stephen glared back at them. "Stop looking at me like that and get cooking! With two cups of sugar this time!"
The cooks nodded and scurried away.
***888***888***
Hallway- Late Afternoon
Jon was about to pass Jimmy Fallon on the way to his office but stopped him. "Jimmy, did you reschedule Craig's appointment?"
Jimmy shakes his head. "I tried, but he refused. He told me that he would wait a millenium for you instead of going back on your waiting list." He smirked. "He must be really pissed at you."
Jon runs a hand through his hair. "I know," he groaned.
"Craig is probably not that angry at you," Jimmy reassured him. "He'll just yell his head off at you and might kill you in your sleep," he added jokingly and giggled.
Jon rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that makes me feel loads better."
"Sorry," Jimmy apologetically. "He'll be less angry if you get to your office faster," he advised.
"Yeah, he would," Jon agreed. "I should really go."
Before Jon could leave, Jimmy grabbed his shoulder. "How's Stephen?"
"Really bored," said Jon. "He feels like I don't pay attention to him."
Jimmy, fully informed of Jon's dilemma, said, "I know you won't be able to spend some time with him, so maybe I could instead?"
Jon smiled but shook his head. "Not a chance. He thinks you're too silly. Anyway, bye!" He ran down the hall and disappeared into the Oval Office.
Jimmy stood where he was, still in shock. "Stephen thinks I'm girly?"
***888***888***
The Oval Office- 4:05
Craig Ferguson leaned against his chair, his feet splayed across Jon's desk. He began to hum a soft tune and stared at the empty seat across from him. "Jon's late again, I see," he said in a Scottish accent.
Suddenly the door opens and Jon hurries into the room, locking the door quickly and leaning against it heavily.
"Hi," Craig said simply, glad that Jon was finally here.
"Wait a minute will you?" Jon asked, short of breath. Craig nodded and Jon spent a minute catching his breath. "I'm fine now," Jon said finally.
"Good. So, what made you late again this time? Stephen again, isn't it?" Craig asked knowingly.
Jon nodded as he slipped into his chair. "This time he was harassing the cooks."
Craig rolled his eyes. "Not again. By now the cooks must be scared to death of him." He added offhandedly, "You should fire him."
Jon was so shocked he almost fell off his seat. "What?"
"Stephen," Craig elaborated, "Is a pain in the ass. Jon, he pisses off everyone in the room by just opening his mouth. How can that guy be the vice president?"
Jon raised an eyebrow, still shocked. "It seems like you really don't want Stephen in office," he said suspiciously.
"I don't hate him personally, but I've seen the polls!" Craig protested. "Half of America doesn't know why you know each other, much less like each other. The two of you even don't agree on most of the issues!"
"I know, I know," Jon sighed. "We met in the Senate and we were friends ever since. It seemed obvious to choose him as my running mate back in 2008 but now I'm not so sure."
"I know what you mean," Craig said. He stared up at the ceiling. "Geoff said hello, by the way."
"The robot's still running?" Jon asked, surprised. He giggled. "You're that lonely?"
Craig rolled his eyes. "I know, I know, it's sad." He rummaged through his pockets and pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. "Want one?" he asked.
Jon shook his head. "I quit a long time ago."
"Really?" Craig asked. "Suit yourself." He lights his cigarette. "So, what do you think of Colbert? Stay or go?"
Jon sighed. "I really don't know. I'll have to think about it."
"Good luck with that Jon," Craig said. "I really don't want to be the one to tell him the bad news. You know he has a gun, right?"
"I know. He reminded me of it on several occasions," Jon said. Jon didn't want to fire Stephen, but for the safety of his staff, his career, and the country he might have to. But Stephen was his best friend. He couldn't betray him like this, it would hurt Stephen's feelings and he'll probably express his anger...physically. Jon frowned. "Sometimes I wish I became a comedian instead of a politician."
"I told you not to run for president but nooo! You had to go out there and 'change the world'! And look what happened!"
"I know," Jon said. "But being the president isn't easy."
"So is being a comedian," Craig said. "But you don't see me complaining." He looked at Jon, who has put his head in his hands and said, "I'm sorry, but the decision is yours."
Jon sighed. "When can the four years be over?"