la la la slut

[cracked_]

so this may have been the way it went:
him: so when am i coming over?
me: youre not

or it may have been:
him: so when are we hanging out?
me: were not.

i think it was the first way. whatever.
but either way, it still somehow makes me hate MYSELF even more. wow .. gee. mkay

i think this weekend may have to be documented as the first time i discovered this new-found hatred i have for myself, and the new-found-semi-hatred for everyone and everything else. i'm really insane and nuts, and id really be worried about me if i were someone else. but its a good thing no one is, cause theres nothing to worry about.

i am completely and utterly in love with the book im reading though. thank you, erica, for letting me read this book.
this may be the first book i ever want to re-read.
im just .. in love with him and how he writes and how he just ignores all the rules of writing and kind of laughs at them. and at the same time its so beautiful and wonderful and lovely, and i just want to hug him and laugh with him over coffee, of which i do not drink.

ahh. but i hate how certain conversations can just make me want to cry. and yet im so dramatic and so .. sad lately. and its really pathetic cause no one else would cry and normally id make fun of anyone who cried over anything i have been crying over, but just everything that makes me unhappy leads back to me, its all my fault to begin with, so the person to blame is me, and everyone hates the person to blame, and since im blaming myself and at the same time hating the one to blame, im hating me.
if someone stops being interested in my every moment, theres something wrong with me.
if someone has had a bad day, theres something wrong with me.
theres something wrong with me.
in general.
its like a fucking fact in a book somewhere, it has to be.
or else i wouldnt live.
cause theres something wrong with me.

- screams -