straight up now tell me ..
rawwrr ..
mkay .. it's like fucking venting time or something.
i'm sick of complaining about the same old thing all the time .. so don't read this if you don't want to 'hear' [ok, read] me complain about something. robyn offered to hear me out, but i just don't want to put anyone through annoying complaint kind of stuff .. even though it's not really annoying, just it's old ..
OK .. now ..
all i ever really wanted was just a relationship. but i don't think i would know how to handle one. no, spending time with robyn and joe and seeing their perfect fairy-tale relationship doesn't effect me and make me feel uncomfortable and depressed, but later on it sometimes does. sometimes i'll come home or they'll leave and i'll be really sad. or just i'll think of them and i'll want to cry. i just want someone to hug me because they like me a lot, and someone to call me to say goodnight, and listen to the silence on the phone when they do call and we both have nothing to say even though we're just bored but we both feel better that we know the other person is just on the other end of the phone. i want someone to be nice to me all the time, unless of course there was a bad mood involved or a fight or something. I DON'T WANT TO BE CONFUSED ABOUT THINGS. i want to know where we stand, i want to know where i stand and where they stand. i want to be missed when i'm not seen or spoken to for a day, and i want someone to want to impress me, wether they actually try to or not it doesn't matter. it may seem like so much but it's just simple little things that i have never have. i don't want to settle for what i can get. i don't want a knight in shining armour either. i jsut want someone who can make me happy and be proud and feel special that they do, and of course in return i would do everything back that i ask for, anything that they wanted if it was in line of course. a simple squeeze of the hand to show that holding my hand isn't routine and they know they're holding it and they acknowledge the fact that i'm there and that they're HAPPY i'm there. and if i ask for these things and it's really too much or too obsessive or just too overwhelming i want someone to tell me that. so far i have had no one. no boyfriends. no anything. and i don't want to rush things and i know i'll find someone but it's like a standard already to tell girls and boys that don't have anyone to love them that they'll find someone eventually, and when the time comes it'll be amazing and everything. but what's love if you start late ? wheres the experience and the mistakes ? i dont even want love i just want to feel like someone, like someone special .. i'm making no sense and no one is going to read this and i'm never going to prove i am worth anything and that i could be a great person to be with if only someone shows me that they care and that i make their life the slightest bit better by living everyday. i want to be more than a friend to SOMEONE. but i want that someone to be a good, kind person. i want someone to try and compromise with me. i don't FEEL like i'm asking for a lot or anything at all, really .. but now that it's down .. in writing .. i feel dumb and selfish, more selfish than i want to be.
and then i'm reminded that no guy, especially ones my age, would ever go for me because blah blah they all want the perfect girl and blah blah blah blah fucking blah. but i mean if im not going to be able to get the constant feeling of being wanted than i think it's evil to let me have it for a second and then be taken away from me. and i doubt anyone would possibly understand what i just said. whatever, i want to cry but i don't need to and i can't cause my mind knows i don't need to. i'm overdramatic or something, but i'm serious about everything i just wrote. a waste of space and entry probably.
mkay .. it's like fucking venting time or something.
i'm sick of complaining about the same old thing all the time .. so don't read this if you don't want to 'hear' [ok, read] me complain about something. robyn offered to hear me out, but i just don't want to put anyone through annoying complaint kind of stuff .. even though it's not really annoying, just it's old ..
OK .. now ..
all i ever really wanted was just a relationship. but i don't think i would know how to handle one. no, spending time with robyn and joe and seeing their perfect fairy-tale relationship doesn't effect me and make me feel uncomfortable and depressed, but later on it sometimes does. sometimes i'll come home or they'll leave and i'll be really sad. or just i'll think of them and i'll want to cry. i just want someone to hug me because they like me a lot, and someone to call me to say goodnight, and listen to the silence on the phone when they do call and we both have nothing to say even though we're just bored but we both feel better that we know the other person is just on the other end of the phone. i want someone to be nice to me all the time, unless of course there was a bad mood involved or a fight or something. I DON'T WANT TO BE CONFUSED ABOUT THINGS. i want to know where we stand, i want to know where i stand and where they stand. i want to be missed when i'm not seen or spoken to for a day, and i want someone to want to impress me, wether they actually try to or not it doesn't matter. it may seem like so much but it's just simple little things that i have never have. i don't want to settle for what i can get. i don't want a knight in shining armour either. i jsut want someone who can make me happy and be proud and feel special that they do, and of course in return i would do everything back that i ask for, anything that they wanted if it was in line of course. a simple squeeze of the hand to show that holding my hand isn't routine and they know they're holding it and they acknowledge the fact that i'm there and that they're HAPPY i'm there. and if i ask for these things and it's really too much or too obsessive or just too overwhelming i want someone to tell me that. so far i have had no one. no boyfriends. no anything. and i don't want to rush things and i know i'll find someone but it's like a standard already to tell girls and boys that don't have anyone to love them that they'll find someone eventually, and when the time comes it'll be amazing and everything. but what's love if you start late ? wheres the experience and the mistakes ? i dont even want love i just want to feel like someone, like someone special .. i'm making no sense and no one is going to read this and i'm never going to prove i am worth anything and that i could be a great person to be with if only someone shows me that they care and that i make their life the slightest bit better by living everyday. i want to be more than a friend to SOMEONE. but i want that someone to be a good, kind person. i want someone to try and compromise with me. i don't FEEL like i'm asking for a lot or anything at all, really .. but now that it's down .. in writing .. i feel dumb and selfish, more selfish than i want to be.
and then i'm reminded that no guy, especially ones my age, would ever go for me because blah blah they all want the perfect girl and blah blah blah blah fucking blah. but i mean if im not going to be able to get the constant feeling of being wanted than i think it's evil to let me have it for a second and then be taken away from me. and i doubt anyone would possibly understand what i just said. whatever, i want to cry but i don't need to and i can't cause my mind knows i don't need to. i'm overdramatic or something, but i'm serious about everything i just wrote. a waste of space and entry probably.