Abandon hope yadda, yadda, yadda...
You know, I listen to the strangest things when I get in one of my "You know, everything really is going to be alright" kind of moods. This usually follows an hour or two (or an entire late night/early morning as was the case last night/today) of me crying and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life, why I'm so unhappy and just what the hell is wrong with me, why haven't I figured my life out yet, and the like. Take for instance the lovely song I'm listening to right now (on a loop). 'Kom, Susser Tod', which translates to 'Come, Sweet Death' if I'm not mistaken. Maybe it's the choir at the end. They sound so damned hopeful. Before that it was 'Bittersweet Symphony' and before that it was 'Hey Jupiter'.
What do I listen to when I'm not feeling that great, then? My pillow, usually. :) Or the sound of mouse clicks and keyboard clacks until I find something suitably strange or brilliant or fucking unbelievable to take my mind off of myself. Or a piece of shit movie I've seen one to many times that I can't quite focus on.
I didn't go to class today, and I couldn't give less of a fuck. I didn't sleep at all and crying to my mother (for the first time in a long time) was pretty exhausting. Have a test and a paper due today, but I'm not going to let myself feel too bad about it (explanatory e-mails/phone calls being prepared as I type this). Made the realization this morning that majority of my problems was in the form of me expecting perfection in everything I do. For instance, I'm a smart girl, but because I'm not a genius, it's just not good enough. And I wanted to be a genius. I wanted very much to be amazing and spectacular in every way that I possibly could. And having to work too hard at it meant I was a worthless. Why bother if I wasn't going to come close to me own standards? Why continue being a graphic designer if what I was designing was simply 'good' or 'passable' instead of fucking genius? I'm strong, but not strong enough, so who gives a shit? Both me and my mother finally realized why I quit or lost interest in so many things I tried.
I need to let myself off the hook a little bit (or a whole lot). I stayed home today, not because I didn't have the energy to leave my bed, or because I was too scared, too embarrassed, too apathetic to attend class, but because I decided to give myself this day off, because I don't give myself anything. Oh, I run around and play video games and read comics, but that's more escapism than me giving myself something. I buy all kinds of shit for the temporary feel good, and I eat when I'm upset to have something better to focus on (that and food is fucking good). I exhaust myself on the internet reading shit so I don;t have to think before I go to sleep.
I hate school and I want to quit. I'm not going to, though. It's about time I stopped doing things because I think I should and start doing them for me. I could give a shit about management and owning a business at this point, but I'm not quitting. I want to know that I could finish. After this, no matter what I do, I need to find a way to work creative activity back into my life. I'm my own worst critic, but I'm worse off for not writing/drawing/painting than I was when I was doing it and hating the results. I plan to try and do it now, too, if I can. Maybe after I've had a steady job for a while, I'll go back to school for Art, which is what I wanted to do in the first place. Fuck money. I want to be happy.