I'm glad it's your birthday. Happy birthday to you.
Dear Severus,
It has recently come to my attention that you have a highly specific taste in women. More like one woman, actually. Unlike the rest of our companions, I sympathize with your condition. I intend to assist in relieving it at least in part.
I have contacted an associate of mine. Enclosed, please find her address and Muggle telephone number. She looks close enough according to all the pictures I have seen. She has been provided for several sessions in advance and has been instructed to respond to the name "Lily" or "Evans" or "Mudblood" or whatever you'd like to call her. More sessions can be arranged through me or her at your convenience.
Enjoy. Happy birthday.
Sincerely,
Evan Rosier, Esq