Dear Ex Boyfriends: A Love Letter
Dear Ex Boyfriends,
This letter could be for one of you or all of you; I feel like almost every guy I dated was a duplicate of the one before, with the exception of their name/appearance. If you aren't an ex boyfriend of mine, and you recognize some of your personal traits in this blog, you're probably pissing off your ex (or current) girlfriend(s)-just an FYI.
So what's up? How's life? I'm doing great-which, considering the fact that you still call me constantly, even though you claim to hate me-I don't even have to tell you how I'm doing. And that's perfectly okay-there's no better way to convey your hatred for an ex girlfriend than by calling her 3 or 4 times a day. Good job on that.
While I'm congratulating you for a job well done, I'd like to take a moment to thank you for being SUCH a kind, compassionate, loving person-without your "helpful" comments about how much I suck, how fat I am, how messy my house is, how crazy I am, how annoying I am, how boring I am, and how I'm "not as pretty as your last girlfriend", I wouldn't be the wonderful person I am today. If I'm so fat, ugly, and annoying, WHY THE HELL did you go out with me? That just makes YOU look bad, not me. Dumbass.
I also think it's totally awesome the way you managed to get fired from like 10 jobs in 2 years-here's a secret: It's NOT because your boss hated you. Wait, I take that back-it IS because your boss hated you-and do you know WHY he hated you? It's because you were a shitty employee who called in sick every other day, showed up drunk and high, and had a horrible attitude. Want to know why I manage to keep my jobs for a long time? I go to work and do what they ask me to do-it's that simple! Amazing!
And what's up with you still living with your mom? I moved out right before I turned 17-which I realize was a little young, but if I could do it at 16, you can do it now. Then again, I guess it's hard to move out when you can't hold down a job. If you want to live with your mom, that's your choice-but don't you dare, for once single fucking minute, come to my house and criticize ANYTHING. "Are you going to do that laundry anytime soon?". I don't know, fuckface-are YOU going to move out anytime soon? No? Then shut the hell up.
Oh-and hey, I'm "boring", eh? Listen fucker, I enjoy getting drunk and acting like a damn fool just as much as the next person, but for crying out loud, do you have ANY other hobbies? Surely there's SOMETHING you like to do besides drink, smoke weed, and lay on the couch. Wait...I remember what else you like to do! Cheat on me! How you even found a girl dumb enough to sleep with you (other than my stupid ass) is beyond me, but GO YOU! You're such a fucking pimp! Hell yeah!
Do you really think I'm sad that you got a new girlfriend/fuckbuddy/friend with benefits? I'm NOT. I'm relieved, actually-now your dumb ass will only call me 3 times a day instead of 12. I also love how you always tell your new ho (and any of our mutual friends that you happen to see) that I "just won't stop calling you" and you wish I'd just "let you move on and be happy". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Last time I checked, I didn't have any outgoing calls to YOUR number. Nice try-now fess up to your girl so she knows what a loser you are (everybody else has already caught on-in fact, they've affectionately nicknamed you Barnacle).
Here's something else I've been dying to tell you: I don't want to sleep with you anymore. Stop calling me at 2a.m. I'M ON TO YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. I didn't enjoy having sex with you when we were still together (in fact, I spent most of our "intimate" time thinking about what bills I needed to pay, how I forgot to pick up eggs at the grocery store, or how nice it would be to hook up with somebody who actually knew how to please a woman)-what makes you think I want to do it now that we've broken up? Here's another fun fact: ALL GIRLS ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL. Just because your LAST girlfriend enjoyed having her ears licked, her vagina attacked by your slobbery mouth, or her nipples practically ripped off does not mean that *I* will enjoy it. Get with the fucking program and try to figure out what I actually like-I don't just jump on YOU and go at it. I try to figure out what you want/need. That's what boyfriends/girlfriends are supposed to do. And just for the record, I'm STILL not into anal-would you want a dick shoved up YOUR ass? Then what makes you think I would? Sure, it's hot when the porn stars do it, but I'm just some "fat, ugly, annoying" chick you happened to date. You shouldn't expect much from me.
Want to know my favorite line? "You'll never find another guy like me". Playa please, don't you listen to Beyonce-"You must not know bout me"! I can have another you in a minute-but trust me, I don't WANT another you. I get so hopeful every time you text to inform me that I'll never find another guy like you-but my hopes are crushed the minute I start dating another moron. Damn the bad luck.
The relationship wasn't all bad though-I did enjoy all the times when we were drunk together. Oh-and the times you were asleep instead of slobbering all over me-those were nice. I also learned a lot from dating you-like what I don't want in a boyfriend, for example. It was fun, but all good times have to come to an end eventually, right (that's my friendly way of saying "STOP FUCKING CALLING ME")? Best of luck to you and your new lover(s)-you're sure as hell gonna need it.
♥Love Always♥,
Missy
This letter could be for one of you or all of you; I feel like almost every guy I dated was a duplicate of the one before, with the exception of their name/appearance. If you aren't an ex boyfriend of mine, and you recognize some of your personal traits in this blog, you're probably pissing off your ex (or current) girlfriend(s)-just an FYI.
So what's up? How's life? I'm doing great-which, considering the fact that you still call me constantly, even though you claim to hate me-I don't even have to tell you how I'm doing. And that's perfectly okay-there's no better way to convey your hatred for an ex girlfriend than by calling her 3 or 4 times a day. Good job on that.
While I'm congratulating you for a job well done, I'd like to take a moment to thank you for being SUCH a kind, compassionate, loving person-without your "helpful" comments about how much I suck, how fat I am, how messy my house is, how crazy I am, how annoying I am, how boring I am, and how I'm "not as pretty as your last girlfriend", I wouldn't be the wonderful person I am today. If I'm so fat, ugly, and annoying, WHY THE HELL did you go out with me? That just makes YOU look bad, not me. Dumbass.
I also think it's totally awesome the way you managed to get fired from like 10 jobs in 2 years-here's a secret: It's NOT because your boss hated you. Wait, I take that back-it IS because your boss hated you-and do you know WHY he hated you? It's because you were a shitty employee who called in sick every other day, showed up drunk and high, and had a horrible attitude. Want to know why I manage to keep my jobs for a long time? I go to work and do what they ask me to do-it's that simple! Amazing!
And what's up with you still living with your mom? I moved out right before I turned 17-which I realize was a little young, but if I could do it at 16, you can do it now. Then again, I guess it's hard to move out when you can't hold down a job. If you want to live with your mom, that's your choice-but don't you dare, for once single fucking minute, come to my house and criticize ANYTHING. "Are you going to do that laundry anytime soon?". I don't know, fuckface-are YOU going to move out anytime soon? No? Then shut the hell up.
Oh-and hey, I'm "boring", eh? Listen fucker, I enjoy getting drunk and acting like a damn fool just as much as the next person, but for crying out loud, do you have ANY other hobbies? Surely there's SOMETHING you like to do besides drink, smoke weed, and lay on the couch. Wait...I remember what else you like to do! Cheat on me! How you even found a girl dumb enough to sleep with you (other than my stupid ass) is beyond me, but GO YOU! You're such a fucking pimp! Hell yeah!
Do you really think I'm sad that you got a new girlfriend/fuckbuddy/friend with benefits? I'm NOT. I'm relieved, actually-now your dumb ass will only call me 3 times a day instead of 12. I also love how you always tell your new ho (and any of our mutual friends that you happen to see) that I "just won't stop calling you" and you wish I'd just "let you move on and be happy". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Last time I checked, I didn't have any outgoing calls to YOUR number. Nice try-now fess up to your girl so she knows what a loser you are (everybody else has already caught on-in fact, they've affectionately nicknamed you Barnacle).
Here's something else I've been dying to tell you: I don't want to sleep with you anymore. Stop calling me at 2a.m. I'M ON TO YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. I didn't enjoy having sex with you when we were still together (in fact, I spent most of our "intimate" time thinking about what bills I needed to pay, how I forgot to pick up eggs at the grocery store, or how nice it would be to hook up with somebody who actually knew how to please a woman)-what makes you think I want to do it now that we've broken up? Here's another fun fact: ALL GIRLS ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL. Just because your LAST girlfriend enjoyed having her ears licked, her vagina attacked by your slobbery mouth, or her nipples practically ripped off does not mean that *I* will enjoy it. Get with the fucking program and try to figure out what I actually like-I don't just jump on YOU and go at it. I try to figure out what you want/need. That's what boyfriends/girlfriends are supposed to do. And just for the record, I'm STILL not into anal-would you want a dick shoved up YOUR ass? Then what makes you think I would? Sure, it's hot when the porn stars do it, but I'm just some "fat, ugly, annoying" chick you happened to date. You shouldn't expect much from me.
Want to know my favorite line? "You'll never find another guy like me". Playa please, don't you listen to Beyonce-"You must not know bout me"! I can have another you in a minute-but trust me, I don't WANT another you. I get so hopeful every time you text to inform me that I'll never find another guy like you-but my hopes are crushed the minute I start dating another moron. Damn the bad luck.
The relationship wasn't all bad though-I did enjoy all the times when we were drunk together. Oh-and the times you were asleep instead of slobbering all over me-those were nice. I also learned a lot from dating you-like what I don't want in a boyfriend, for example. It was fun, but all good times have to come to an end eventually, right (that's my friendly way of saying "STOP FUCKING CALLING ME")? Best of luck to you and your new lover(s)-you're sure as hell gonna need it.
♥Love Always♥,
Missy