When You Gonna Make Up Your Mind?
I've been consciously avoiding writing about my troubles in this thing because A) it's not very entertaining to read and B) I don't want to sound self-pitying or angst-ridden, but I don't think I have much of a choice right now. I'm still having a good time, and I'm not in some severe depression or anything, but my mind just isn't as clear and happy-go-lucky as it has been for the past two months or so.
Part of this is because I've been falling into a lot of the old habits that brought me down last year. I've been going to bed way too late and consequently oversleeping. That may not sound very alarming, but my sleep schedule really does have a profound influence on my behavior. Whenever I can't regulate my bedtime, I feel like I've lost a lot of the control I have over my actions. I slept through my Chemistry class Monday, the first class I've missed since before I can even remember. I woke up around noon, and I was seriously pissed. It's not that I think this absence will affect my grade all that much, but I can just feel myself slipping. Little things I know I should be doing are starting to seem negligible, and I'm worried that if this continues, I'll be disappointed at the end of the semester.
I've always been good at standing out without doing a whole lot of work, but I can say I honestly don't know what it feels like to really apply myself, to be one of those people mature beyond his years, who has all his shit together. I'm doing well now, but I can't be satisfied with the way things are for me. I mean, I'm not. There's still a lot that's missing even with all of the new responsibilities I've given myself this semester.
Part of the problem is I don't really know where I'm going with my degree plan right now. I'm a French/Communication major at the time being, but newsflash -- I'm going to be done with my French degree after 15 more credit hours in French. That's five more classes, plus some prerequisites that will fit in easily. As for communication, I have an assload of credits still to take, and I'm not even sure that's what I want to be doing. So my options are to keep French by itself and sort of half-ass my way through the next five semesters, stick with communcation and work myself to death without much passion or interest to motivate me, or find some other major to take communication's place. Here's what I've been considering:
Creative Writing - UH has a surprisingly distinguished creative writing program, and if I want to pursue this in grad school, a good GPA from UH will look impressive. Plus, I love to write, and I don't feel like I'm getting enough of an outlet for that right now. Honestly, I just love the English department's building. I think the new major would be worth it just to take classes there. Of course, the returns for such a pursuit are slim, and without money, you're NOTHING. Nothing nothing nothing.
German - Languages are easy and fun for me, and I think I'd be able to speak German well, possibly even better than French. It will look impressive to anyone if I know three languages, and I'm not sure, but I might be required to take some secondary language courses for my French degree anyways. However, there'd be a whole lot of ground to cover before I got to the upper-level courses, and I am not about to spend more than four years at this establishment. Uh-uh.
Mathematics - I'm good at math. I'm better at math than I am in English, I think. Math will probably offer me more lucrative jobs. Math would challenge me and keep me busy. There are a lot of reasons why should be in math. But I can't imagine my life after I have a math degree. I don't want to program computers for a living. I don't want to be a math teacher. I don't want to write books about math. I think I would be an unhappy person if I had to resign myself to the life of a mathematician. So if I did get my degree in math, it would essentially be something to brag about.
Theatre - I love theatre probably more than any of the things I've listed above. If I could be involved in plays for the rest of my life, I would be a happy person, no matter how mind-bogglingly bad the play. Honestly, though, I don't think I'm all that good in theatre. Sure, I stood out in high school, but that's because I was actually audible onstage and could manage to recite lines without sounding like I was reading them off a teleprompter. Maybe I could improve if I studied it here, but even so, take the money problem cited above and multiply it numerous times, and you can understand my reservations.
So clearly I am interested in a lot of fields. But which one am I the best at? And which one is the best for me? Which one will make me the happiest, or the most successful? I have a lot on my plate right now as far as school goes, plus all of this to mull over, and it's beginning to take its toll on me. It's easy to succeed, to set goals and then fulfill them, but I have no idea what this success is working towards.
I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow morning, so maybe he will be able to help me sort things out a little better. What I really think I need is a home-cooked meal and a vacation. It's been 92 degrees here for the past couple of days. They teased us a few days with some refreshing breezes, and then brought back the heat and humidity in a shameless fake-out. It would be so wonderful to be in the harsh Colorado wind right now, bundled up in a jacket and a long-sleeve shirt. Maybe my fingers and the tip of my nose would get red when I went back inside. You really start to miss that feeling when all you experience is unseasonable warmth. The wave of brittle, windblown grasses; the placidity of a cold autumn day.