One last update on this, so you guys don't worry I'm in a psych ward.
Crossposted to my normal journal.
-
So I got a self-help book to tide me over until I can find a therapist, and I tried walking meditation yesterday. I lasted ten minutes before I couldn't handle all the "OH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENING HOW DO I SORT EVERYTHING OUT--WAIT I SHOULD BE MEDITATING, CRAP" thoughts. But I managed to finally acknowledge them and I stopped trying to "hold myself together" because I realized that's what I've been doing for the past few months.
Last night, Aengus Og showed up and told me, "Congratulations, you (finally) let go!" And I went, "What, with the walking meditation? It was five minutes." And he said, "It doesn't matter--you let go. And you'll do it again later."
Then I felt the Morrigan come up, and I asked her if I'd done a good job in her mind as well. Then I blinked, and I saw her face, and suddenly I realized that despite following her for nearly eight years, I've never actually seen her before now.
When I blinked, I saw a pale, stark woman with sunken dark eyes and a mass of black hair. She was gaunt and her skin was stretched tight over her bones. She smiled at me with her teeth, and it felt like the reflection from a knife. I knew logically that she was happy/proud/satisfied (?), but I was still on edge because she wasn't saying anything--just standing perfectly still, looking at me and smiling.
I asked, "So what does that mean?" And she started laughing. Not the "haha, that's funny" laugh or a hysterical laugh, she gave this low, throbbing chuckle that put me on edge even more.
Then I saw myself standing on a field with them, and I realized how huge they were. I'm five feet tall and I barely reached their chests, so they'd be at least six feet. For a size comparison, here's Rachel and Finn from Glee. And in addition to their physical size, they kind of... shone, but in different ways. The Morrigan's was really contained and harsh like a fluorescent light, and Aengus' was... magnetic? Like, he'd be the "flame" in "like moths to a flame."
Keep in mind that this took place in the span of a few seconds.
If I don't pay attention, I start hearing the Morrigan's laughing again, and the only thing I know is that it isn't not bad.
-
So I got a self-help book to tide me over until I can find a therapist, and I tried walking meditation yesterday. I lasted ten minutes before I couldn't handle all the "OH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENING HOW DO I SORT EVERYTHING OUT--WAIT I SHOULD BE MEDITATING, CRAP" thoughts. But I managed to finally acknowledge them and I stopped trying to "hold myself together" because I realized that's what I've been doing for the past few months.
Last night, Aengus Og showed up and told me, "Congratulations, you (finally) let go!" And I went, "What, with the walking meditation? It was five minutes." And he said, "It doesn't matter--you let go. And you'll do it again later."
Then I felt the Morrigan come up, and I asked her if I'd done a good job in her mind as well. Then I blinked, and I saw her face, and suddenly I realized that despite following her for nearly eight years, I've never actually seen her before now.
When I blinked, I saw a pale, stark woman with sunken dark eyes and a mass of black hair. She was gaunt and her skin was stretched tight over her bones. She smiled at me with her teeth, and it felt like the reflection from a knife. I knew logically that she was happy/proud/satisfied (?), but I was still on edge because she wasn't saying anything--just standing perfectly still, looking at me and smiling.
I asked, "So what does that mean?" And she started laughing. Not the "haha, that's funny" laugh or a hysterical laugh, she gave this low, throbbing chuckle that put me on edge even more.
Then I saw myself standing on a field with them, and I realized how huge they were. I'm five feet tall and I barely reached their chests, so they'd be at least six feet. For a size comparison, here's Rachel and Finn from Glee. And in addition to their physical size, they kind of... shone, but in different ways. The Morrigan's was really contained and harsh like a fluorescent light, and Aengus' was... magnetic? Like, he'd be the "flame" in "like moths to a flame."
Keep in mind that this took place in the span of a few seconds.
If I don't pay attention, I start hearing the Morrigan's laughing again, and the only thing I know is that it isn't not bad.