Mass quote post
B.L.T.
Bacon Lettuce Tomato
Bacon AND Lettuce AND Tomato
Bacon Lettuce NOT Tomato
Bears AND Dead
Bears AND Kill
Bear Survival Tips
Anti-Bear Legislation
Bear Bacon
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
Steve Colbert
Stefan Kolbare
Stepan Coldbear
I Love Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Fan Club
Stephen Colbert Is Sexy
Stephen Colbert Fanfiction
Stephen for President
Stephen for Pope
Charlene
Charlene AND Stephen
Charlene AND Stephen 4-Ever
Fetish AND Stephen Colbert
Fetish AND Tall Women Lifting Heavy Things
Some quotes I didn't put dates for:
"After a contentious debate on the Senate floor and months of fiery rhetoric, Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. All you need to know? Stock up on Trojans."
On Dirty Dancing: "That film bastardizes the time-honored dance teacher-student relationship. Nobody puts Baby in the corner? but more importantly, nobody should put anything in Baby either, Mr. Swayze."
"Take a look at this sentence: 'Timmy and me went to the store to buy milk.' Wouldn't the correct grammar really be, 'Timmy and me and Jesus went to the store to buy milk?' Because Jesus is with Timmy and I wherever us go."
"Now there's nothing wrong with being gay -- some of my best friends are going to hell."
On the Golden Globes: "I've got the list of winners here; I don't know which of these guys are forwarding the homosexual agenda, but I'm going to guess it was Steve Carell, who won for his performance in a TV show called "The Orifice." Steve and I are old friends, we used to share an office back at the Daily Show. In retrospect, I appreciate his restraint - I was looking pretty good back then."
On Pat Robertson's Age Defying Pancakes: "It's the same as the [Pat Robertson's Age Defying] shake mix, only you fry it. If healthy eating means a healthy mind, just imagine what these'll make you think. (takes a bite) Mmmm? we should assassinate a foreign leader! Let me get another taste of that. (another bite) Ahhh. Feminism makes women kill their children! Ooh, I'm full. I couldn't eat another thought."
On assisted suicide: "A tip of the hat to the Supreme Court for upholding Oregon's assisted suicide law. You've got the right idea -- let's get rid of as many of those tie-dyed tree-hugging wusses as we can. I've said it before: Oregon is California's Canada."
"Now, I've never played Poker, but if its anything like Dungeons & Dragons, I'll be up to my baldrics in scimitars before you can say, 'cure light wounds!'"
And in the style of kari_marie, The Word, 3/16/06 with (some) caps.
SC: So, a lot of talk...which way you wanna do it, Jimmy? Which camera? This one?
Jimmy: Yeah.
SC: This is where I pump the truth?
Jimmy: Absolutely.
SC: Okay. Lotta talk this week about the sleeping pill Ambien. Apparently it causes some people to binge eat while they're sleeping, consuming thousands of calories, making them gain hundreds of pounds, all without remembering a thing. Take a look at this footage from CNN.
There she is, doped up on Ambien, eating potato chips, chocolate cake, and chugging a two liter bottle of what I'm going to assume is Cherry Coke, because that's what I keep on my bedside table. Really refreshes me before going to sleep.
Which brings us to tonight's word:
Sweet Dreams.
Bullet: Sweet Dreams
Now, I'm a big fan of the pharmaceutical industry. Without it, we never could have cured Restless Leg Syndrome.
Bullet: Or Discovered It
Everyday, I take a cocktail of Somazone,
Bullet: For Dry Mouth
Thalmadrac,
Bullet: For Side Effects of Somazome
Narcanol,
Bullet: For Side Effects of Thalmadrac
And Fagajiz.
Bullet: Massive Doses
And, I think this latest news about Ambien is fantastic. You know the old parable where the man dreams of eating a giant marshmallow and wakes up to find his pillow gone? It's in the Bible.
Bullet: Stay-Puft 3:16
Now, thanks to Ambien, you can polish off an entire 800-thread-count goosedown duvet
Bullet: Nature's Broom
I've never trusted sleep, it seems unAmerican. It's just wasting a third of your life that could be used eating and shopping.
Bullet: And Shopping for Something to Eat
But, the thing is, Ambien gives us back that missing third.
Bullet: And a Third Chin
And, when we consume while we're asleep, we're not burdened with the guilty feeling we're consuming too much. And where does that guilt come from?
Bullet: Mom?
Thoughts. And thoughts are not natural.
Bullet: Especially Thoughts About Mom
Consuming is natural. Watch any nature video.
Bullet: Stephen Recommends "Girls Gone Wild"
Ambien just brings us back to our basest, most animal state.
Bullet: Florida?
Now, we've been doing our best to act like animals already.
Bullet: Hunting Burgers, Gathering Fries
But, it's time to take it up a notch.
Bullet: On Our Belt
So Nation, go out and ask your daughter - your doctor for Ambien. Just rub some charcoal under your eyes and tell 'em you can't sleep. That's what I did. Truth be told, I'm on Ambien right now. Sound asleep!
*snaps fingers on either side of his face* Nothin' there. Helps me do the show, because it brings me back to my primal instincts.
Bullet: Show = Mating Dance
As I say this, I am hungry, horny, and having a fabulous dream that I'm playing catch with an alligator. Best of all, because I'm asleep I can't be responsible for anything I'm saying right now.
Bullet: Screw You, Les Moonves!
After all, I'm medically unconscious. And so can you. So, bravo to the pharmaceutical industry for your courageous side effects. Thanks to you, it's morning in America, and we have no idea what we did last night.
*picks up bag of marshmallows* Ahh. *stuffs his mouth*
Bullet: Sweet Dreams
And that's the Word.
