late night thinking
a year ago i was at home from ballet school, not knowing what i wanted to DO or how i wanted to be. i spent the summer staying up all night watching david lynch films, drinking busch light and smoking american spirit cigarettes. i swam in the glory hole every day with my mother and sisters. i learned how to cut down trees with my stepfather. it was a weird time for me.
you know those moments that make your whole being seem to ache? maybe it's part of being young. those nights where you did stupid things with your friends and ended up having a connection with someone or some place and it resonates so strongly within yourself that you want to scream and cry and laugh at the same time.
i rarely have those moments anymore.
instead of those short sporatic highly intense moments, its more spread out. as if it were a blanket instea of a jolt. the blanket comforts me and wraps me up in the knowing.
in the knowing. in the knowing of how infinite everything is. in the knowing of how utterly perfect and wonderful the world is.
why do i only feel content when i know i'm headed towards something?
i'm not living in a foreign country anymore. i'm no longer part of the elite ballet dancer mentality. i don't spend thousands and thousands of my grandmother's money on tuition and airfare to go home for christmas. anymore.
now i live in a house with three other college students. i go to a smaller university where i study modern dance. every now and then i enjoy a tasty $5 burrito from taco del sol. i'm not doing anything big and grand. i'm just living.
i dont know why it feels so strange and good to say that but i am. i'm just living right now. nothing more nothing less. i just am right now. i feel so content with that even if most days i pretend i'm not content.