cant sleep
D*con ... yea
I've got this pulsating in my head that wont go away. Came home from Dcon this morn with angela and ashley, tired as all hell, after some private time with honey bunny, we fell asleep quite content. Then i found myself in this horrible nitemare involving my father and the entire side of that fan-damn-ly, lots of yelling and blood, i cant remember who's, i also remember my cousin charles, which is funny because i've never met him, my uncle's ( fathers blood brother ) new wife wont let me near him or the other son they share. I think he's almost 4 now, Jessi, who i met once while still small enough to cradle in one arm, is about 7 or so now. Its a fucked up situation. They all hate my mother ( my fathers family that is ), but they only hate her because of the divorce, they blame her. Because she made him a workaholic, alchoholic sorry excuse for a man ( end sarcasm ). Its really sad because i can remember the friendship my mother had with them, and how she went to them and asked for help when she wanted to confront him with his alcoholism, and how they worked together to get him off of it. Now they take cheap shots at her, but only when my sister and I are around ( I've actualy confronted them and my dad about it , often ). My dad tells me that its just something that his family has always done, sort of a "protect" our own kinna thing. Which makes me feel even "better" cuz i know they do the same about me when im not around ( almost always ). My dad the award winning, own firm starting, #1 ( litteraly ) heart doctor in the greater Tampa Bay Area, my uncle Charley, Unix God, programs for US Military servers, and "helps out" with MS when he has the time, Uncle Rob ( who by the way is about the most decent out of the family, and pretty much the only one i respect, and who's company i enjoy ) Engineer for US Military ( programmed the guidence systems for the patriot's used in gulf war ) ... Step mom , and Charley's wife = tropheys, cept my step mom is begining to rust already, dumb as a pile of bricks, and her legs are starting to look like em too, Tami ( chuck's wife ) all around bitch, hates my guts, cant blame her. ( rob's wife, Nancy, Is by far the coolest member of that family, she cant stand my grandparents behavior twords my sister , my mother, and my other 2 cousins < daughters of chuck, from first wife > and chucks first wife ). In any case, i dont want what they chose, thats not the point. I dont care if i make unspendable ammounts of money, I dont want to change the world, hell i barely want to be in the world. I wanna do what i wanna do, and that'll never change. What bothers me is that i cant even do it right, I used to have goals, by the time i hit 18 i only had one left, by the time i hit 20, i had fucked it up. Now my only goal is to not fail, to at least break even with life, and my worst fear is that i'll just fuck that up too.
Angela is leaving for AL on tues, for a week. this "wanna-be noble" part of me wants her to go, if it works at least 50% of the way it planned, it will be good for her, and she deserves that chance. She's greater than she will ever admit, mabye even know, i admire her, and am sometimes jealous of some of her strengths, some of which are my weaknesses. But the truth is i can already feel the sickness growing in my stomach, the feeding lonliness which i have been preparring for, but dont stand a chance against, ready to reach up from within and gnarl my emotions and senses with carnivoric brutality. And it scares me shitless. I havnt had many relationships, and all but 1 before this was a bad one, but it was my first, and it was good, it was damn good. I figure the other one just fucked me up, but this one is good, i'm un-teaching myself what i shouldn't have learned in the bad ones. Im not clingy. But AL, thats not like a " see ya next friday, cuz im going to the movies with the girls tommorrow, and got dinner with my grams on Thurs. And its not fear that we'll break up. Its fear of lonliness. A fear of lack of happiness. A knowing that i think something about her every 2 minutes, which in 2 days will lead my thoughts to " she's 400 miles away ", and I cant do a damn thing about it, because im a fuck up ( see above paragraph )
I hate thinking, that old question, we all ask ourselves durring that whole depressed adolesnce thing ( btw, sorry about that mom ); " If you could become one of those people who just follow the leader through life, but dont feel this ever present demon ( manic depression, depression, ADD, ADHD, insanity, a stick up ur ass, whatever you wanna call it ), would you?"
No, i suppose not, but goddamn it would be nice to just be able to switch it on every now and then.
On a side note, my previously mentioned dream actualy conjured up a memory for me ( if you dont know, dont ask ). I remembered being at my grandma's house ( my mom's mom, great lady, stereotypical loving southern grandmother ) * died of lung cancer about 8 years ago *, and i was screaming. I think i had had a bad dream ( dont have to be freud to realize how i had the memory ), i was young, old enough to be sleeping alone in a guest room, but just barely, mabye 4 or so. And everyone ( my mom, dad, gram-ma, gram-pa, uncle CL, and uncle Monte ) all came running in to make sure i was ok. and then just as fast as it came, it went, but it'll be swirling in my head for a few days, desperatly searching my brain for the puzzle piece in fits next to, in my ever present attempt to remember my childhood.
well lookie here, i made a real post, yup, its deffinatly D*con weekend
I've got this pulsating in my head that wont go away. Came home from Dcon this morn with angela and ashley, tired as all hell, after some private time with honey bunny, we fell asleep quite content. Then i found myself in this horrible nitemare involving my father and the entire side of that fan-damn-ly, lots of yelling and blood, i cant remember who's, i also remember my cousin charles, which is funny because i've never met him, my uncle's ( fathers blood brother ) new wife wont let me near him or the other son they share. I think he's almost 4 now, Jessi, who i met once while still small enough to cradle in one arm, is about 7 or so now. Its a fucked up situation. They all hate my mother ( my fathers family that is ), but they only hate her because of the divorce, they blame her. Because she made him a workaholic, alchoholic sorry excuse for a man ( end sarcasm ). Its really sad because i can remember the friendship my mother had with them, and how she went to them and asked for help when she wanted to confront him with his alcoholism, and how they worked together to get him off of it. Now they take cheap shots at her, but only when my sister and I are around ( I've actualy confronted them and my dad about it , often ). My dad tells me that its just something that his family has always done, sort of a "protect" our own kinna thing. Which makes me feel even "better" cuz i know they do the same about me when im not around ( almost always ). My dad the award winning, own firm starting, #1 ( litteraly ) heart doctor in the greater Tampa Bay Area, my uncle Charley, Unix God, programs for US Military servers, and "helps out" with MS when he has the time, Uncle Rob ( who by the way is about the most decent out of the family, and pretty much the only one i respect, and who's company i enjoy ) Engineer for US Military ( programmed the guidence systems for the patriot's used in gulf war ) ... Step mom , and Charley's wife = tropheys, cept my step mom is begining to rust already, dumb as a pile of bricks, and her legs are starting to look like em too, Tami ( chuck's wife ) all around bitch, hates my guts, cant blame her. ( rob's wife, Nancy, Is by far the coolest member of that family, she cant stand my grandparents behavior twords my sister , my mother, and my other 2 cousins < daughters of chuck, from first wife > and chucks first wife ). In any case, i dont want what they chose, thats not the point. I dont care if i make unspendable ammounts of money, I dont want to change the world, hell i barely want to be in the world. I wanna do what i wanna do, and that'll never change. What bothers me is that i cant even do it right, I used to have goals, by the time i hit 18 i only had one left, by the time i hit 20, i had fucked it up. Now my only goal is to not fail, to at least break even with life, and my worst fear is that i'll just fuck that up too.
Angela is leaving for AL on tues, for a week. this "wanna-be noble" part of me wants her to go, if it works at least 50% of the way it planned, it will be good for her, and she deserves that chance. She's greater than she will ever admit, mabye even know, i admire her, and am sometimes jealous of some of her strengths, some of which are my weaknesses. But the truth is i can already feel the sickness growing in my stomach, the feeding lonliness which i have been preparring for, but dont stand a chance against, ready to reach up from within and gnarl my emotions and senses with carnivoric brutality. And it scares me shitless. I havnt had many relationships, and all but 1 before this was a bad one, but it was my first, and it was good, it was damn good. I figure the other one just fucked me up, but this one is good, i'm un-teaching myself what i shouldn't have learned in the bad ones. Im not clingy. But AL, thats not like a " see ya next friday, cuz im going to the movies with the girls tommorrow, and got dinner with my grams on Thurs. And its not fear that we'll break up. Its fear of lonliness. A fear of lack of happiness. A knowing that i think something about her every 2 minutes, which in 2 days will lead my thoughts to " she's 400 miles away ", and I cant do a damn thing about it, because im a fuck up ( see above paragraph )
I hate thinking, that old question, we all ask ourselves durring that whole depressed adolesnce thing ( btw, sorry about that mom ); " If you could become one of those people who just follow the leader through life, but dont feel this ever present demon ( manic depression, depression, ADD, ADHD, insanity, a stick up ur ass, whatever you wanna call it ), would you?"
No, i suppose not, but goddamn it would be nice to just be able to switch it on every now and then.
On a side note, my previously mentioned dream actualy conjured up a memory for me ( if you dont know, dont ask ). I remembered being at my grandma's house ( my mom's mom, great lady, stereotypical loving southern grandmother ) * died of lung cancer about 8 years ago *, and i was screaming. I think i had had a bad dream ( dont have to be freud to realize how i had the memory ), i was young, old enough to be sleeping alone in a guest room, but just barely, mabye 4 or so. And everyone ( my mom, dad, gram-ma, gram-pa, uncle CL, and uncle Monte ) all came running in to make sure i was ok. and then just as fast as it came, it went, but it'll be swirling in my head for a few days, desperatly searching my brain for the puzzle piece in fits next to, in my ever present attempt to remember my childhood.
well lookie here, i made a real post, yup, its deffinatly D*con weekend