Depression and stuff
I suffer from pretty serious depression and anxiety. I used to think that, y'know, I would get seriously depressed about the same as other people. But recently something happened. I started to take something for anxiety and depression and . . . for a while I felt a little weird, and then I felt better. Indeed, the change was so profound that . . . I've been spending a lot of time evaluating my life in light of this change. All of the social anxiety, anger and depression I've felt since, well, a little kid. As a child some of my clearest memories are of me grinding my teeth in rage and frustration, or equally sapping feelings of utter hopelessness and sourceless sorrow. In my current state, I see all of that as me being sick, but in a subtle and horrible way. I was sick in such a way that I couldn't even see the sickness.
So, sucks for me that for many years I was caught up in all of this, and no doubt will be for the rest of my life in some way or another. But, hey, at least I can take something to get the edge off - and, at least equally important, I know that this sickness is a sickness and not some personal or moral failing (as various people, including some former close friends of mine and family members have told me).
For years, I've wholeheartedly believed in the reality of mental illness. I've wholeheartedly believed that you can't blame the victims of mental illness any more than you can blame the victim of a cold, or cancer, for their sickness. I've openly wondered how prevalent, even dominant, mental illness has been in decisions both personal and public (how many kings were mentally ill, how many politicians today are?). Largely, I never extended this reasoning to include me. Which is, in retrospect, pretty goofy. But each of us exist only in our minds - I have no idea what other people think or feel, and I presumed that everyone was about the same. Maybe they are, I still don't know, but now what I do know is that wasn't really working for me. In me, those feelings were just awful depression that has consistently paralyzed me in doing many of the things I want to do most. The difference between knowing something and feeling it is still pretty vast.
So I'm saying this, openly and generally, so people will know that I'm suffer depression. And am taking something for it. ;)
So, sucks for me that for many years I was caught up in all of this, and no doubt will be for the rest of my life in some way or another. But, hey, at least I can take something to get the edge off - and, at least equally important, I know that this sickness is a sickness and not some personal or moral failing (as various people, including some former close friends of mine and family members have told me).
For years, I've wholeheartedly believed in the reality of mental illness. I've wholeheartedly believed that you can't blame the victims of mental illness any more than you can blame the victim of a cold, or cancer, for their sickness. I've openly wondered how prevalent, even dominant, mental illness has been in decisions both personal and public (how many kings were mentally ill, how many politicians today are?). Largely, I never extended this reasoning to include me. Which is, in retrospect, pretty goofy. But each of us exist only in our minds - I have no idea what other people think or feel, and I presumed that everyone was about the same. Maybe they are, I still don't know, but now what I do know is that wasn't really working for me. In me, those feelings were just awful depression that has consistently paralyzed me in doing many of the things I want to do most. The difference between knowing something and feeling it is still pretty vast.
So I'm saying this, openly and generally, so people will know that I'm suffer depression. And am taking something for it. ;)