DS-Musings: Apocalypta - I Reveal
He's sprawled on his bed, fast asleep. The stress of the last few days, while mostly bled away with River's help, is still enough to have him passed out, trying to cope. It would have been better if this had been a dreamless endeavour, but life was never kind to him like that.
So it was, he dreamed. He dreamed of Inara, of how they had almost lost her. He wasn't sure at what point he had failed her as a Captain, but he realizes that he failed her as a man the day that River Tam stepped on board.
"You were just deluding yourself, Captain," the Dream-Inara says with that smile of hers. "My sway over you was only insofar as my...feminine wiles...could hold onto you. It was my fault for falling in love with you, when it was obvious your affection for me wasn't genuine."
Mal smiles at her. "Wish it were different, 'Nara," he tells. "I really do. Maybe then things wouldn't have gotten so gummed up."
"You really think so? Or maybe you'd still fall in love with River, despite being with me?"
A shake of his head. "No. Don't think so. Wouldn't be a terrible kindness to you, if I went and did that. Mighta played, but never loved."
The Dream-Inara smiles at that before fading away, and he's left alone. For once in his life he feels a sense of peace.
A peace that shatters as he turns and is face-to-face with River.
"You love me," she states with a crazy-smile.
Mal snorts. "Do not."
"Oh, but you do. Don't want to admit it, because it means you have to admit that Wash wasn't your fault."
Stare. "Gorrammit, Wash was my fault. It was my idea to go in and fuck up the Alliance by broadwaving their biggest secret. Wash died 'cause of that."
The stringy hair dances around her face as she shakes her head. "Miranda was my fault. If I hadn't heard the secret, I would never have brought us there. I started it. My Fault."
"You listen to me, River-girl, it was my fault for believin'..."
"No!" She steps back. "Stop stealing things...no claiming things that don't belong to you...stop it, stop it, stop it!"
Mal has nothing to say to that. So he doesn't.
River looks up at him pitifully. "You love me," she says, that insane look on her face. "You blame yourself, think you're unworthy, but you're not. I'm unworthy. Unworthy to be loved, which is why I take it." A pause as she swallows. "Always taking, only giving when it's needed. Only giving to you. You make me feel worthy...let me do the same for you..."
Which is where he snaps awake, the threads of the dream evaporating and leaving him unsettled.
[ooc: there were two comments that went with this, but they weren't really RP-ish. At least it was never something we pursued. I include them here for posterity only:
River wakes as he does but decides to give him a moment to settle, to breathe... So she keeps her body still and her breath even as if she's sleeping.
((*shiver*this is soooo... perfect, and exactly how I've imagined the scene will go when she does decide to confront him with it. *bouncebounce*))
He swallows hard, blinking away the sleep, trying to get the cotton outof his head. He pushes himself up and sits on the edge of the bed, headbured in his hands, elbows propped on his knees.
Slowly,he looks up at his room, unsure of how he got there, not caring in theleast. He sighs heavily and then looks over his shoulder at River.Something niggles at the back of his brain, something that has to dowith her and the dream that had pulled him from sleep.
As he grasps for it, he loses it. Drats.
[Hee :) Glad you liked :) And I look forward to that thread.]]
So it was, he dreamed. He dreamed of Inara, of how they had almost lost her. He wasn't sure at what point he had failed her as a Captain, but he realizes that he failed her as a man the day that River Tam stepped on board.
"You were just deluding yourself, Captain," the Dream-Inara says with that smile of hers. "My sway over you was only insofar as my...feminine wiles...could hold onto you. It was my fault for falling in love with you, when it was obvious your affection for me wasn't genuine."
Mal smiles at her. "Wish it were different, 'Nara," he tells. "I really do. Maybe then things wouldn't have gotten so gummed up."
"You really think so? Or maybe you'd still fall in love with River, despite being with me?"
A shake of his head. "No. Don't think so. Wouldn't be a terrible kindness to you, if I went and did that. Mighta played, but never loved."
The Dream-Inara smiles at that before fading away, and he's left alone. For once in his life he feels a sense of peace.
A peace that shatters as he turns and is face-to-face with River.
"You love me," she states with a crazy-smile.
Mal snorts. "Do not."
"Oh, but you do. Don't want to admit it, because it means you have to admit that Wash wasn't your fault."
Stare. "Gorrammit, Wash was my fault. It was my idea to go in and fuck up the Alliance by broadwaving their biggest secret. Wash died 'cause of that."
The stringy hair dances around her face as she shakes her head. "Miranda was my fault. If I hadn't heard the secret, I would never have brought us there. I started it. My Fault."
"You listen to me, River-girl, it was my fault for believin'..."
"No!" She steps back. "Stop stealing things...no claiming things that don't belong to you...stop it, stop it, stop it!"
Mal has nothing to say to that. So he doesn't.
River looks up at him pitifully. "You love me," she says, that insane look on her face. "You blame yourself, think you're unworthy, but you're not. I'm unworthy. Unworthy to be loved, which is why I take it." A pause as she swallows. "Always taking, only giving when it's needed. Only giving to you. You make me feel worthy...let me do the same for you..."
Which is where he snaps awake, the threads of the dream evaporating and leaving him unsettled.
[ooc: there were two comments that went with this, but they weren't really RP-ish. At least it was never something we pursued. I include them here for posterity only:
River wakes as he does but decides to give him a moment to settle, to breathe... So she keeps her body still and her breath even as if she's sleeping.
((*shiver*this is soooo... perfect, and exactly how I've imagined the scene will go when she does decide to confront him with it. *bouncebounce*))
He swallows hard, blinking away the sleep, trying to get the cotton outof his head. He pushes himself up and sits on the edge of the bed, headbured in his hands, elbows propped on his knees.
Slowly,he looks up at his room, unsure of how he got there, not caring in theleast. He sighs heavily and then looks over his shoulder at River.Something niggles at the back of his brain, something that has to dowith her and the dream that had pulled him from sleep.
As he grasps for it, he loses it. Drats.
[Hee :) Glad you liked :) And I look forward to that thread.]]