The Forgotten Stepchild
I didn't realize it had been over a year since I'd posted here. Remember how I once said I was going to post more often? I guess that fell apart somewhere. I think about LiveJournal often though and try to check in to make sure my blog hasn't been hacked.
So my reason for posting is the subject.
I'm feeling very much forgotten lately. So much has happened since I last wrote. I got a promotion at work, I lost my office mate and my only office friend, my aunt tried to connect with me again, a bunch of medical stuff.
This perimenopause crap is the worst thing in my life right now. I'm missing periods, my hormones are all over the place, sometimes I feel like sobbing and somethings I feel like I'm standing under a heat lamp. The hot flashes I can handle. In the summer they are frustrating, but the rest of the time it's tolerable. However, the depression and anxiety I go through is unbearable. I've already talked to my doctor and nothing can really be done right now. She's reluctant to put me on any hormones and I don't blame her. I don't know that I want to be on them until I have an episode that is so extreme that I feel like curling up on the floor and dying. It's almost a daily struggle. I'm in the midst of the downswing right now and I'll be glad to feel slightly normal again.
I stepped into my new role at work January 1st. There's a lot of different things happening, but I like it. I like it a lot more than what I used to do. I'm working with a database and working on how it works and the best way to utilize it. Data entry and running reports. There are a few hitches I'm noticing with my position and haven't really resolved them yet.
My office mate, Deb, left a few months ago for another job. My new office mate is nice, but not Deb. I miss having an office friend. I really don't have that anymore. It makes for a lonely day sometimes.
My uncle passed away a while ago, in 2018 I think, and my aunt sent me a crazy card inviting me to the funeral (which was in Portland on a work day) and outlined all of this stuff about my leaving the family. She sent it to my work (she doesn't know where I live) and I had Deb read it. Deb gave me this look like, "WTF?!" She outlined what she thought and it was all I was thinking too. My aunt is nuts. I then took it to my counselor and told her I wanted her to keep the card in my file because I want to "evidence," but I don't want it in my house. She thought the card was crazy too by the way. And I didn't even attempt to go to funeral because I was working.
I was diagnosed with sleep apnea at the beginning of the year and I had to do about 4 sleep studies. In office sleep studies are really awkward and weird, by the way. However the accommodations are very nice. Kind of like a Holiday Inn, but with medical equipment. After all of the studies, I was told I had about 9 instances of apnea per hour which means I stop breathing 9 times per hour while sleeping. Usually it's obstructive. I was given a CPAP machine which delivers oxygen constantly through the night to help you sleep. Basically, what happens, is if you have apnea you never make it to a full cycle of sleep and you are always tired. My clinician told me one of my tests showed that I never once made it to REM sleep all night. That scared me. I've been on my machine for almost 90 days and there are good and bad days. This week with the hormone crap, it's been pretty bad. I downloaded and app that connects to my machine (freaky Big Brother stuff there) and it tells me how I did giving me a score from 1-100. I was told I can also download a program that will take that data and turn it into more detailed info about when I had an episode and for how long. I continue to wait for my bill for this machine. I have to money in an FSA account (Flexible Spending through my employer) just waiting. I haven't been spending anything just waiting for the big bill telling me how much I have to shell out for this machine. I was quoted $250 at the beginning of all of this, but I'm worried it's more. Keep in mind that I have to pay 10% and insurance pays the rest. That is an expensive freaking machine! But it may keep me from never sleeping again.
Overall I'm just tired and sad. I wish I had friends. I mean more friends close by. I don't really have anyone to talk to. When I have questions about life stuff, I go to Facebook and find a group. I am a member of a Depression and Bipolar support group, Sleep Apnea support, Menopause, and a million cat groups. I realized the other day that I have not one female figure I can go to and say, these things are happening to my body, is this normal? I just feel alone right now.
I'm also super paranoid lately. The other night Chester had an episode of something I have no idea. He acted like he couldn't breath and I just held him and patted his back thinking he had a hairball. It passed and he seemed fine. I've been watching him closely ever since. Every little odd thing I grab him and look him over. I check him for any injuries. I decided to start closing the toilet lid in case he's playing in the toilet (as he was starting to do last night). But I also get really jumpy about people being around my house. I don't know why. And I'm afraid my landlord is going to evict me. All stuff that apparently weighing on my subconscious. Nothing I actually need to worry about.
Well, I think my lunch is over and I should get back to work. I feel a little better that I could vent some.
So my reason for posting is the subject.
I'm feeling very much forgotten lately. So much has happened since I last wrote. I got a promotion at work, I lost my office mate and my only office friend, my aunt tried to connect with me again, a bunch of medical stuff.
This perimenopause crap is the worst thing in my life right now. I'm missing periods, my hormones are all over the place, sometimes I feel like sobbing and somethings I feel like I'm standing under a heat lamp. The hot flashes I can handle. In the summer they are frustrating, but the rest of the time it's tolerable. However, the depression and anxiety I go through is unbearable. I've already talked to my doctor and nothing can really be done right now. She's reluctant to put me on any hormones and I don't blame her. I don't know that I want to be on them until I have an episode that is so extreme that I feel like curling up on the floor and dying. It's almost a daily struggle. I'm in the midst of the downswing right now and I'll be glad to feel slightly normal again.
I stepped into my new role at work January 1st. There's a lot of different things happening, but I like it. I like it a lot more than what I used to do. I'm working with a database and working on how it works and the best way to utilize it. Data entry and running reports. There are a few hitches I'm noticing with my position and haven't really resolved them yet.
My office mate, Deb, left a few months ago for another job. My new office mate is nice, but not Deb. I miss having an office friend. I really don't have that anymore. It makes for a lonely day sometimes.
My uncle passed away a while ago, in 2018 I think, and my aunt sent me a crazy card inviting me to the funeral (which was in Portland on a work day) and outlined all of this stuff about my leaving the family. She sent it to my work (she doesn't know where I live) and I had Deb read it. Deb gave me this look like, "WTF?!" She outlined what she thought and it was all I was thinking too. My aunt is nuts. I then took it to my counselor and told her I wanted her to keep the card in my file because I want to "evidence," but I don't want it in my house. She thought the card was crazy too by the way. And I didn't even attempt to go to funeral because I was working.
I was diagnosed with sleep apnea at the beginning of the year and I had to do about 4 sleep studies. In office sleep studies are really awkward and weird, by the way. However the accommodations are very nice. Kind of like a Holiday Inn, but with medical equipment. After all of the studies, I was told I had about 9 instances of apnea per hour which means I stop breathing 9 times per hour while sleeping. Usually it's obstructive. I was given a CPAP machine which delivers oxygen constantly through the night to help you sleep. Basically, what happens, is if you have apnea you never make it to a full cycle of sleep and you are always tired. My clinician told me one of my tests showed that I never once made it to REM sleep all night. That scared me. I've been on my machine for almost 90 days and there are good and bad days. This week with the hormone crap, it's been pretty bad. I downloaded and app that connects to my machine (freaky Big Brother stuff there) and it tells me how I did giving me a score from 1-100. I was told I can also download a program that will take that data and turn it into more detailed info about when I had an episode and for how long. I continue to wait for my bill for this machine. I have to money in an FSA account (Flexible Spending through my employer) just waiting. I haven't been spending anything just waiting for the big bill telling me how much I have to shell out for this machine. I was quoted $250 at the beginning of all of this, but I'm worried it's more. Keep in mind that I have to pay 10% and insurance pays the rest. That is an expensive freaking machine! But it may keep me from never sleeping again.
Overall I'm just tired and sad. I wish I had friends. I mean more friends close by. I don't really have anyone to talk to. When I have questions about life stuff, I go to Facebook and find a group. I am a member of a Depression and Bipolar support group, Sleep Apnea support, Menopause, and a million cat groups. I realized the other day that I have not one female figure I can go to and say, these things are happening to my body, is this normal? I just feel alone right now.
I'm also super paranoid lately. The other night Chester had an episode of something I have no idea. He acted like he couldn't breath and I just held him and patted his back thinking he had a hairball. It passed and he seemed fine. I've been watching him closely ever since. Every little odd thing I grab him and look him over. I check him for any injuries. I decided to start closing the toilet lid in case he's playing in the toilet (as he was starting to do last night). But I also get really jumpy about people being around my house. I don't know why. And I'm afraid my landlord is going to evict me. All stuff that apparently weighing on my subconscious. Nothing I actually need to worry about.
Well, I think my lunch is over and I should get back to work. I feel a little better that I could vent some.