Just wanted to make a few things clear.
I’m not fishing for people to feel bad for me, and I’m not asking for any help. If I want or need help, I am a big boy, and I will ask for help directly, and as for feeling bad for me, that’s not going to do any good at all. Some of the posts I make in this journal are a way for me to just get things off of my chest so that the pressure of life doesn’t build up to a point that it becomes unhealthy. Some of them are posted so that if anyone still cares to know what’s going on in my life they can see. This post is going to be a bit of both.
First things first where I am at in life the facts.
1. I do not have a job. Although I have been to many interviews and had many call backs, none of them seem to go anywhere in the end. part of this can be blamed on the fact that the economy isn’t the best ever, part of it can be blamed on my work history, and part of it can just be blamed on me. I want a job, and I want to be able to pay my bills, but that’s all I really want out of it. I don’t want a job that has a ton of responsibility attached to it, I am not looking for a career, and I don’t want to have to work full time right now. Compromises need to be made, I know this just as well as anyone else knows it.
2. My growing debt has become an issue. We are going to loose the apartment, there is nothing that can be done about that at this point, My cell phone has been shut off, and I’m not going to be able to get it turned back on. But these things don’t bother me much. As far as the apartment goes, even if I had money and could pay the rent I'm not sure that I would. I hate it here. It has its pros and cons, but in the end I don’t like where I am living enough to stay here. as for the rest of the bills I would love to have my cell phone back and if I had the money I would have it turned back on, but in the end its just a fucking phone it doesn’t define me in any way. It isn’t me, and it isn’t important.
3. On to more important things. Tiffany and I. We are still insane for one another. Looking back on what little life I have lived thus far, I can honestly say that I have loved every girl I have ever been with, Even those that I was only with for a few hours one fateful night. But I have never been in love with anyone the way that I am in love with her. I have been close before, but nothing this magical. and after two years the magic hasn’t faded at all. Our relationship is perfect. I cant imagine anyone else that I would ever want to share my life with the way I want to share my life with her, and I know she feels the same about me.
4. Where will we go? What will we do? .... I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t know where Tiffany and I will stay till we can get back on our feet again. I don’t know what we will do to get back on our feet again. These are hard times for us, but I have seen hard times before, and I always come out Triumphant. Over the past few months I have talked with allot of people about allot of things that I could do with my life, and I have crunched allot of numbers and done allot of homework, and there are many businesses that I could start up, some small and cheap, others big and expensive, but none of which I have the money for right now. I will look into some of them in great detail over the times to come, and maybe when things are looking good, I will even start one or more of them up. But as for now, We are going to stay with family for a while (maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks) till we can find a friend that we can stay with for a while, and then we will couch surf till we have jobs and money saved up. After that we will get another apartment, or maybe rent a house (I vote for house) for a while (less than a year) while we save up even more money. Then after the money is saved up, I plan on using my religious influences (some of you know, some of you don’t, but I am a minister) and starting a monastery. I have always wanted to open a monastery and teach faith and art to those who truly want to learn and devote themselves to the life, and I have looked into it many times in the past, and its cheap to do such.
5. Bridges burned and roads not yet crossed. I have done allot of soul searching over the past few months, and this is the truth about me. It isn’t easy for me to face the truth, and in the end I am going to need help from everyone I know in order to conquer my demons but here it is. I have no faith. I have no faith in my family, in my friends, in my religion, my government or the world I live in, but most of all I have no faith in myself. Deep inside I know that the world is not shit, and I know that the people in the world are not fuck stains, and I know that I am a good person. But I can’t see any of it. I hate people and I hate the world, and I am abusive to the world and the people in it, and I think that it might stem from the fact that I hate myself. But how can I hate myself when I don’t even know who I am. Why do we all hate one another so much, why do we shit on each other anytime we get the chance? Why do we feel a need to fuck over anyone that comes within reach? There are allot of people out there that I have fucked over in life, and allot of people who have fucked me over. As for the people that I have fucked over, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you..... you know what actually I did, and I am even more sorry for that. I wish I could make it better but I don’t know of any way how, If any of you know of a way let me know I will do whatever I can. As for those of you who have fucked me over, its ok, I forgive you. I know that it is human nature and that sickens me a bit, but I hold no grudges against anyone, even Athrite, and anyone who knows that story knows how much that means. I am going to wipe the slate clean and start over. Starting now the only people I know are those in my family, Tiffany, Nick, and Heffner. Anyone else who wants to get to know one another let me know. I see what we can do.
Sorry for the long post but it needed to be said.
First things first where I am at in life the facts.
1. I do not have a job. Although I have been to many interviews and had many call backs, none of them seem to go anywhere in the end. part of this can be blamed on the fact that the economy isn’t the best ever, part of it can be blamed on my work history, and part of it can just be blamed on me. I want a job, and I want to be able to pay my bills, but that’s all I really want out of it. I don’t want a job that has a ton of responsibility attached to it, I am not looking for a career, and I don’t want to have to work full time right now. Compromises need to be made, I know this just as well as anyone else knows it.
2. My growing debt has become an issue. We are going to loose the apartment, there is nothing that can be done about that at this point, My cell phone has been shut off, and I’m not going to be able to get it turned back on. But these things don’t bother me much. As far as the apartment goes, even if I had money and could pay the rent I'm not sure that I would. I hate it here. It has its pros and cons, but in the end I don’t like where I am living enough to stay here. as for the rest of the bills I would love to have my cell phone back and if I had the money I would have it turned back on, but in the end its just a fucking phone it doesn’t define me in any way. It isn’t me, and it isn’t important.
3. On to more important things. Tiffany and I. We are still insane for one another. Looking back on what little life I have lived thus far, I can honestly say that I have loved every girl I have ever been with, Even those that I was only with for a few hours one fateful night. But I have never been in love with anyone the way that I am in love with her. I have been close before, but nothing this magical. and after two years the magic hasn’t faded at all. Our relationship is perfect. I cant imagine anyone else that I would ever want to share my life with the way I want to share my life with her, and I know she feels the same about me.
4. Where will we go? What will we do? .... I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t know where Tiffany and I will stay till we can get back on our feet again. I don’t know what we will do to get back on our feet again. These are hard times for us, but I have seen hard times before, and I always come out Triumphant. Over the past few months I have talked with allot of people about allot of things that I could do with my life, and I have crunched allot of numbers and done allot of homework, and there are many businesses that I could start up, some small and cheap, others big and expensive, but none of which I have the money for right now. I will look into some of them in great detail over the times to come, and maybe when things are looking good, I will even start one or more of them up. But as for now, We are going to stay with family for a while (maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks) till we can find a friend that we can stay with for a while, and then we will couch surf till we have jobs and money saved up. After that we will get another apartment, or maybe rent a house (I vote for house) for a while (less than a year) while we save up even more money. Then after the money is saved up, I plan on using my religious influences (some of you know, some of you don’t, but I am a minister) and starting a monastery. I have always wanted to open a monastery and teach faith and art to those who truly want to learn and devote themselves to the life, and I have looked into it many times in the past, and its cheap to do such.
5. Bridges burned and roads not yet crossed. I have done allot of soul searching over the past few months, and this is the truth about me. It isn’t easy for me to face the truth, and in the end I am going to need help from everyone I know in order to conquer my demons but here it is. I have no faith. I have no faith in my family, in my friends, in my religion, my government or the world I live in, but most of all I have no faith in myself. Deep inside I know that the world is not shit, and I know that the people in the world are not fuck stains, and I know that I am a good person. But I can’t see any of it. I hate people and I hate the world, and I am abusive to the world and the people in it, and I think that it might stem from the fact that I hate myself. But how can I hate myself when I don’t even know who I am. Why do we all hate one another so much, why do we shit on each other anytime we get the chance? Why do we feel a need to fuck over anyone that comes within reach? There are allot of people out there that I have fucked over in life, and allot of people who have fucked me over. As for the people that I have fucked over, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you..... you know what actually I did, and I am even more sorry for that. I wish I could make it better but I don’t know of any way how, If any of you know of a way let me know I will do whatever I can. As for those of you who have fucked me over, its ok, I forgive you. I know that it is human nature and that sickens me a bit, but I hold no grudges against anyone, even Athrite, and anyone who knows that story knows how much that means. I am going to wipe the slate clean and start over. Starting now the only people I know are those in my family, Tiffany, Nick, and Heffner. Anyone else who wants to get to know one another let me know. I see what we can do.
Sorry for the long post but it needed to be said.