(no subject)
My grandfather passed today.
I'm still a bit numb from it all. I loved him very much. And, as is too goddamn frequent, I didn't get to say goodbye. I hadn't seen him in person since August of 2004. The last time we talked on the phone was six months or more ago -- and it was manifestly obvious he only barely remembered me. Given that he raised me as much as my mother did, in some ways, that hurt. A lot. I stayed away. Now I feel guilty about it, of course. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty over these things. I'm never good with sickness, or death. I withdraw. Then I hate myself for it later. ...and it's all selfish and it comes back to me.
My grandfather ... I don't know if he was a good man. There are stories, there are myths, there are whatever. But I loved him, and he loved me. And I'll miss him. I'll miss that he won't be able to make my wedding, and that he won't get to see my college graduation (I always said he couldn't die until I had my diploma).
I really didn't think it would affect me, quite so much, but ... it does.
I'm still a bit numb from it all. I loved him very much. And, as is too goddamn frequent, I didn't get to say goodbye. I hadn't seen him in person since August of 2004. The last time we talked on the phone was six months or more ago -- and it was manifestly obvious he only barely remembered me. Given that he raised me as much as my mother did, in some ways, that hurt. A lot. I stayed away. Now I feel guilty about it, of course. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty over these things. I'm never good with sickness, or death. I withdraw. Then I hate myself for it later. ...and it's all selfish and it comes back to me.
My grandfather ... I don't know if he was a good man. There are stories, there are myths, there are whatever. But I loved him, and he loved me. And I'll miss him. I'll miss that he won't be able to make my wedding, and that he won't get to see my college graduation (I always said he couldn't die until I had my diploma).
I really didn't think it would affect me, quite so much, but ... it does.