Because giggling is sooooo much fun...
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man's license and registration. Then the cop said, "Listen, Mac, it's Friday, I'm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."
The man thought for a minute, then replied, "My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."
The cop nodded and said, "Have a nice day."
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she inisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged she immediately calls the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell ANYONE about my operation!"
The surgeon told her that he had indeed carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him, "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some thime ago."
And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Two blondes are taking a walk at night, admiring the full moon.
One blonde says to the other "which is closer, the moon or London ?"
The other blonde says "helllllooooooo, can you even see London from here?"
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So, another two blondes are going for a walk, when they see tracks on the ground, and they start arguing as to what kind of tracks they are
They're deer tracks.
They're moose tracks
These are deer tracks !!!
These are MOOSE tracks !!!!
Anyway, they were still arguing when the train hit them
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A Bear goes up to a Rabbit in the woods and says "Does your fur stick to your ass after you shit?" and the Rabbit replies "No", so the Bear wiped his ass with the Rabbit.
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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No, I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant named Billy, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, Billy came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
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A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. But it was too late to hit the delete button and nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, 'You got Male!'"
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The man thought for a minute, then replied, "My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."
The cop nodded and said, "Have a nice day."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she inisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged she immediately calls the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell ANYONE about my operation!"
The surgeon told her that he had indeed carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him, "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some thime ago."
And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes are taking a walk at night, admiring the full moon.
One blonde says to the other "which is closer, the moon or London ?"
The other blonde says "helllllooooooo, can you even see London from here?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, another two blondes are going for a walk, when they see tracks on the ground, and they start arguing as to what kind of tracks they are
They're deer tracks.
They're moose tracks
These are deer tracks !!!
These are MOOSE tracks !!!!
Anyway, they were still arguing when the train hit them
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Bear goes up to a Rabbit in the woods and says "Does your fur stick to your ass after you shit?" and the Rabbit replies "No", so the Bear wiped his ass with the Rabbit.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No, I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant named Billy, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, Billy came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. But it was too late to hit the delete button and nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, 'You got Male!'"
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